My Relationship With Food

When anyone tries to talk to me while I’m waiting for my food:

When my food arrives:

Realizing I have a lot in common with Fergie:

When people tell me that I’m lucky I’m tall because I can eat more without it showing:

First thing I do after we buy groceries:

Me, when Paul gets upset that I ate all of the chips:

When I make pizza at home:

Me, debating on how to cook anything:

Whenever Paul says “Let’s just make something to eat at home.”:

When I eat ice cream and accidentally get some on our furniture:

When the waiter or waitress asks if we’re all done:

My response to people who “forget” to eat meals because they’re SO busy:

Kate’s Mistake

I think we’ve all heard about Kate Middleton’s topless photos by now, haven’t we? The reason it’s a big story is because, well, that’s not how a princess should act. At least in my opinion.

Here’s the scoop, Kate and Wills were on vacation in France and a photographer snapped some pictures of the couple while Kate was topless (to be fair, William was topless too!). The photographer gave the pictures to the French tabloid, Closer, and they were published for all the world to see. William was livid and took action, suing Closer for their nice spread of Kate’s boobies.

Kate, your boobs are EVERYWHERE.

Many people would say, “Isn’t Kate allowed to be topless on her private vacation? She’s only human!” Yes, she is allowed! But if she wants to be seen in a certain, professional and royal light, then she has to watch herself when she forgets to wear a top. Not to sound harsh, but it’s no one’s fault but Kate’s. Look, I’m all for Kate having fun and living it up. But she should know by now that photographers are everywhere, professional, or not. She will always be one of the most photographed people ever, and if she thinks that she can take off her top and no one will be the wiser, she is sorely mistaken.

I don’t think it’s fair that William and Kate took action against the magazine. After all, they were only doing their job. If you don’t want to be featured in scandalous pictures, don’t invite scandal. If you don’t care, then be free! Go topless! And bottomless for that matter.

You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back. So I decided to find the pictures, because I wanted to be fully informed on the issue. What a disappointment. If only Kate would put on a little weight, then she might have some crowd-pleasing breasticles, but alas, her slight frame proved to be a letdown. Perhaps that was the reason that William was so upset? He didn’t want everyone to see Kate’s invisible boobs?

Kate may be royalty, but now I have a one-up on her. Or maybe a two-up?

TRX More Like TR Death

It’s hard to explain why I put myself into these situations. My friends asked me to workout, I agreed and before I knew it I was in a ball on the floor crying into a floor mat. Okay, that’s not true. There weren’t any mats around.

TRX is a fairly new type of workout. I’m sure pros would tell you that it’s been around for hundreds of years, like yoga or something. I can totally imagine Gandhi doing TRX.

Basically, what you do is use these long resistance straps that are attached to the ceiling, to help you workout your entire body. It’s an extremely good workout, but it has an extremely painful aftermath. And duringmath as well.

Look at that guy on the far left. Who does he think he is? Only Gandhi is allowed to do that move.

Every TRX teacher that I’ve come across (2 teachers total), have 0% fat on their bodies. It’s frightening. But at least you know that TRX gets results, right? I would try to keep up with the instructors (and the rest of the class), but it was close to impossible for me. I preferred any and all poses that had to do with laying down on the floor. Those are usually towards the end, unfortunately. And once you get up from the floor, your legs want to fall off. Truthfully, I just want to put my feet in the handles and use the bands as a rope swing. How fun would that class be?

It’s weird though, because after my first class I was super sore for the first two days and then on the third day I took another class. Trust me, it wasn’t my idea. But now this morning, I’m not half as sore as I was the first day I did it. So what’s the dealio? Am I getting used to constantly being in pain? Was it like some hair of the dog thing where the only cure to my pain was more pain? Are the teachers wizards?

I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’ll never be able to do this pose. Ever ever ever. When my teacher did that, I just looked at her and said, “Yeah, no I’m not doing that.”

Don’t Pick It Up

I don’t know what it is about society today, but people are under the impression that not picking up dog poop is a bad thing. (I’m really going to be a hard-hitting reporter today.)

Aren’t we making more work for ourselves? And who actually wants to pick up poop? We already have to scoop out litter boxes! Isn’t that enough responsibility? And maybe our dogs are feeling shameful because of this whole thing. Nowadays people roll their eyes when their dogs squat down. Geeze! Just let them do their business! If someone came in the bathroom and rolled their eyes when you were pooping, I’m assuming that you wouldn’t like that.

Dog poop is biodegradable and good for the earth. How else will the earth get it’s nutrients if we don’t let them sink in? This is the reason that all of those natural disasters keep happening. It’s true. Look it up. I’ve actually seen people pick up poop in biodegradable bags, and just leave the bags on the ground! Good logic.

I believe that the main reason we’re told to pick up after our dogs is because people don’t want to step in poop. That’s understandable. I just find it weird that people have decided they don’t like looking at the ground. Like, honestly, how hard is it to look where you’re walking? The fact that police men can give you tickets for not picking up your dog’s poop is absurd to me. This is a free world! Let dogs poop where they please!

One of my friends once told me about a woman she knew that was taking her dog outside in her front lawn. When the dog went to the bathroom, a jogger ran by and said, “I hope you’re going to pick that up.” Personally, I would’ve been like, “Sure, yeah, I’ll pick it up.” And then I probably would’ve smeared it on the jogger’s back. I don’t know, maybe I have a lot of angst today. I just feel like this is a pressing issue in today’s world and Romney and Obama better be talking about it during their debates.

The Benefits of Being Online

The world has changed incredibly in the span of twenty years. When I was little, my family didn’t have a computer. I don’t remember having one until I was at least 9. Even then I don’t think I ever went “online”. The only activity that I did on the computer was typing my name over and over again in different fonts. I still do that on occasion.

Now it seems that I can’t go a day without being online. I have to check my “stuff” which consists of email, twitter, blogs, facebook, tumblr, pinterest…the list goes on. Of course there are times when I’m away and can’t check my stuff. Those are the times when I’m sitting in a corner and rocking myself back and forth.

One might look at this scenario and think my online life is unhealthy. Fortunately, I’m one of the light cases. I know for a fact that teenagers stay online for hours and hours on end. Even if they aren’t physically at a computer, they can still go online with their phones. I know I’m painting an extreme picture, but the internet, despite being a big time-waster, is actually an amazing thing.

We are able to connect with people around the world without leaving our homes (or beds…in my case). We are able to meet friends, share stories, and fall in love online. Some would even say it’s easier to meet people online because no one is judging you by your appearance, just by what you say.

Personally, I am more relaxed when I’m talking to people online than in real-life. Online, you can choose to respond to a conversation whenever and however you want to. You can take the time to think about what you want to say before your say it. You can eloquently word your input instead of trying to come up with the right words in your head. Everything is smoother and thought out. We can really be our best selves online for that reason.

Will we turn into drones that don’t know how to talk in the future? Possibly. Will we go blind from the light of our computers constantly being shone into our eyes? Most likely. But we’ll have many more acquaintances than we ever could have met in our own day to day lives. We can relate to others and realize that others can relate to us. We can comfort and be comforted. We can laugh and share thought-provoking stories. And that might be worth something in the long run.

 

Extreme Makeover: Canada

So I think Canada finally looked in the mirror and said, “Wow we’re like, a super gross country. Let’s fix ourselves!” I knew it would be baby steps after I heard the news about the Canadian introduction of Target, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that Canada would take their country’s makeover to the next level. Friends and family, may I have the pleasure of being the first to announce that Nordstrom is coming to Canada!

I heard the news when I was volunteering, and I thought I was going to faint. My supervisor asked me if I’d ever been to Nordstrom. That’s like asking me if I’ve ever breathed air. I told him it was only my favorite store in the world, duh. And our conversation pretty much ended after that.

It’s like God keeps answering all of my really important shopping prayers. I’m so blessed. There’s just one problem. I don’t have any money. And in order to even look at a Nordstrom parking lot you have to have some dough. I might be exaggerating a bit.

The sad thing is, I’ve almost gotten used to not spending money here. I never buy clothes for myself anymore. I never have the urge to. See what happens when you move to Canada? It changes you.

Maybe the new introduction of Nordies will light a fire within me to shop more. Even though the closest one to me will be in Vancouver. So basically I’ll have to take a ferry or plane to get there. How rude. Clearly they didn’t have my best interests in mind. Actually, I don’t think they had anyone’s interests in mind since there will only be 4 locations in all of Canada (Toronto, Ottawa, Calgary, and Vancouver).

Canadian Nordstrom Pros: More shopping for me, more street cred for Canada, I will feel a sense of normalcy in Canada, and thousands of new jobs for Canadians.

Canadian Nordstrom Cons: Canadians working in Nordstrom and ruining everything, no actual Nordstrom close to where I live, I have no money so nothing even matters.

Vengeance Is Mine, Inc.

This is the title of one of Roald Dahl’s short stories. It’s about two men who read the gossip column in the paper every morning. One writer in particular often slanders the names of high society members. The two men reading the column feel bad for those trapped in the fire of words written against them. Long story short, they devise a plan to help the people that the columnist wrote badly about. They decide to beat up, scare, or embarrass the columnist for a reasonable fee. Why not make it a business? This same situation happens to people every day! And so they did.

One reason why I love Roald Dahl is because he makes me think about a story long after I’ve finished it. Another reason is that, in most of his stories, everyone gets what’s coming to them. There’s nothing better than karma, whether it’s instant, or in the case of Vengeance Is Mine, Inc., man-made.

If you could seek vengeance on someone that did you wrong and no one would ever know it was you, would you? It’s hard to say for me personally. The idea is so tempting. There are plenty of times I’ve wanted to punch someone in the face. Well, maybe not plenty, but a handful of times for sure.

Here is the list of punishments you would be able to choose from by Vengeance Is Mine, Inc.:

1. Punch in the nose, once, hard–$500

2. Black eye — $600

3. Punch in the nose and a black eye — $1000

4. Introduce a rattlesnake (with venom extracted) into his car, on the floor by the pedals, when he parks it –$1500

5. Kidnap him, take all his clothes away except his underpants, his shoes and socks, then dump him out on Fifth Ave. in rush hour — $2500

Which would you choose (if money wasn’t a factor, obviously)? I feel like it would depend on how much the person bothered me. The rattlesnake one is pretty genius, I must admit. And depending on the enemy, I wouldn’t always opt for the venom to be extracted…if ya know what I mean.

Do you think an act like this is worth the money? I hate to say that I do. I actually think the business idea is great! I might steal it for myself. My occupation at the moment is sleeping so I bet I could get more money this way. And punch more people in the face.

A Post About Nothing

I haven’t been feeling very inspired to write anything recently. Sometimes I feel like I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. Sometimes I can’t even remember if I’ve written about a certain topic already or if I just dreamed that I did.

These days if you have writer’s block (or any kind of block at all really) you go onto Google and see what there is to write about. I typed “what should I blog about?” into Google, clicked on the first entry, and this is what it said:

1. What is your expertise? Readers want to read about what you know and your special experiences. Really!

Okay, geeze. I believe you. Problem is, I don’t have an expertise. Unless you count being able to name every Pokemon an expertise, I’ve got nothin. Are most people experts in a certain area? Is this some sort of life requirement that I missed out on? Should I look into something? I guess history would be my expertise because I got my degree in it, but we all know that’s a lie and I forgot everything I learned right after the final exam.

2. What’s the news? While you don’t have to necessarily be a news breaker, you can give your view on what’s happening in your industry and how it relates to your hobby, life, etc.

Am I supposed to have an industry? I don’t even know what day of the week it is, never mind what my industry should be. I feel like I break the news occasionally, but I usually sway towards celebrity gossip more than newsy news. Can we call it newsy news from now on? The reason I didn’t write about the newest celebrity news is because my heart is broken and talking about it just makes it hurt more.

I’ll give you a hint: It has to do with these two.

3. What is your personality? Do you like to take a stance? Are you funny? Do you like being a contrarian? These insights can help you to write about your topic.

Can’t I just be everything? Why do I have to choose just one of those things? Can’t I be a funny contrarian that likes to take a stance? Maybe I don’t want to be defined by one personality type. I think there are sides of me that are soft and kind and other parts that are funny and playful and other parts that are deep and thoughtful. Notice how I didn’t name any character flaws? It’s because I don’t have any, in case you’re wondering.

4. What are your hopes and fears? Things that you can’t stop thinking about or what keeps you up at night could be good things to share with others.

I would say one of my hopes is trying to live a good solid life. A life I can look back at and feel proud of. A lot of the time I get caught up in trying to make other people proud, but I think I should just be focusing on making myself proud. I try to be the best example to others that I can be.

My fear is that I’ll go to a restaurant and they won’t have my favorite thing on the menu anymore. This scenario has happened to me multiple times and it’s scarred me for life.

5. What are your hobbies? Things that you like to do on your free time are often great topics to discuss.

Um let’s see here. Sleeping is a big hobby of mine. Eating is also another big one. Going online. Driving and listening to music. Walking and listening to music. Just listening to music in general. Traveling to new places. Did I say eating? Um petting soft animals. Laughing at people. Laughing at myself. Not exercising. Shopping. Painting my nails (but only when they’re grown out). Going to movies. Eating popcorn. Eating chocolate. Eating.

I think that’s about it.

Were those prompts supposed to solve my writer’s block? Because I think they made it worse. And they made my self esteem plummet because I don’t have an industry or an expertise.

I guess technically you can’t have writer’s block if you’re not a writer, so I probably have nothing to worry about, right?

Let Me Introduce The Wiggle Lady

This YouTube video has been floating around the internet for some time and hasn’t received as much recognition as I would like. So let me introduce to you, The Wiggle Lady.

I’m sure her official title isn’t the Wiggle Lady, but this is my blog and that’s what we’re calling her. She’s the spokesperson for the amazing and unique Rainbow Sponge. It’s the perfect gift for kids under 5 years old or for your crazy grandma. Personally, I know that my crazy grandma would be entertained for hours. And she would probably make the same noises, unfortunately.

So what can we learn from the Wiggle Lady?

1. Squeezing Rainbow Sponges will improve your arm strength.

2. The Army Arts and Crafts department can apparently send people anywhere they please.

3. Earth tones are super in this year.

4. Oh My Gosh!

5. Rainbow Sponges are insanely addictive.

I really admire the Wiggle Lady because she gets joy out of the smallest things. If we were all like her, maybe the world would be a better place. For the upcoming election, I’ll be entering the Wiggle Lady for President on my ballot.

Luna, The Whale.

I watched an amazing movie last weekend called The Whale. It’s a true story that takes place right of the coast of Vancouver Island (that’s where I live!) in Nootka Sound. The story is narrated by my lover Ryan Reynolds because he comes from the land up north and knows the story of Luna the whale well.

All Orca whales travel in pods. It’s true, ask them. The Whale, however is a story about an orca that gets separated from it’s pod at the age of two years old. In the movie they compare Luna’s situation to a child that’s meandering around a store, turns around and realizes that their family is no where in sight. Luna was all alone.

He would call into the night looking for his family. When no one answered his calls, he did the next best thing. He made friends. But not just any friends. Human friends. Luna hung around the passing boats, looking for attention. Lots of people gave him attention, too. It’s pretty hard to resist playing with an orca whale.

The Fisheries and Oceans Department was upset about Luna hanging around boats and people. It was dangerous for both sides involved. I don’t know about you, but I would’ve risked getting arrested and dove in the frigid water to play with Luna. Way too tempting!

Luna was teaching people that orcas were not killers by heart. He helped people recognize that whales needed interaction–he was lonely, he wanted to play and have fun! One lady in the film said that Luna would look you right in the eye as if he was saying, “I see you.”

The story of Luna is awesome. I’m jealous that I wasn’t living here during Luna’s reign. I would fully suggest looking up this movie and giving it a watch. Even if it’s only to hear Ryan Reynolds tell you a story.