Love Your Fellow Beast

In recent Canadian news, two young brothers (ages 5 and 7) were strangled to death by a python that found it’s way into their home through ventilation shafts of a reptile pet store next door. The store owned many animals illegally, and the breed of python (African Rock) that killed the children was not on the radar of the specialists who moderate the sales of exotic pets. It was unknown that Reptile Ocean (the store) had this type of animal in their company.

It’s sad when animals make a bad name for themselves by simply living their lives. I know that people will look at snakes in a negative light after this tragedy. If they didn’t already. I mean, they’ve pretty much had a rough time ever since Satan appeared as one. Imagine Satan appearing a panda bear or something. Life would be so different. And hell would be such a cuddly place. I digress…

Take Steve Irwin’s death. He was a lover of life–all forms of life. He died doing something that he loved. However, there was a lot of hate being put on sting rays. The sting ray was just chillin’ and got scared by Steve’s crazy nature and accidentally stung him in the heart. HIS BAD. You shouldn’t hate sting rays because of it. I have spent many a vacation petting the rubbery, floppy skin of rays, and let me tell you, they are the happiest creatures ever. So loving. I know it sounds crazy, but I love me some sting rays. Also, I know for a fact that Steve Irwin would never want people to hate on rays.

The point I’m trying to make is that it’s not fair to hate on creatures who kill humans. Animals aren’t malicious. They’re innocent and trying to survive. So many animals get caught off guard or scared and end up attacking people when they’re only trying to protect themselves. Some animals just want to eat you. Some want to protect they’re young. That doesn’t mean that you should hate an entire species because they’re wild and undomesticated.

No, I don’t hate the snake that killed those two boys. I’m sad that the boys died, yes. Totally. I’m sad that exotic animals are being pulled from their normal habitats and sitting in pet shops in New Brunswick, Canada too. Next time you’re ready to judge an animal that maims a human, make sure you take into account of why that animal acted that way. Was it trained to attack? Was it scared? Was it outside of it’s natural habitat? There are plenty of reasons why animals hurt people–none of which they should be blamed for.

I’d rather see an animal hurt a human than a human hurt an animal.

I Am The Cat Whisperer

Recently, not one, but two people have asked me to watch their cats. I have an undeniable gift of making cats love me. People trust me with their cats because I’m basically a cat myself.

Whenever Paul and I walk through our neighborhood and pass a house with a cat in the yard, I bend down a coax the cat over to me. Sometimes Paul will lose faith and say “Oh, he wont come” but they always do! Cats always like a good rub. If you are willing to give them a good rub, they will love you.

Cats aren’t as talented with vocabulary as dogs are. They don’t recognize too many words and most of them scare easily. So if I see a cat, I’ll slow my roll, squat down, and say “Come here kitty kitty” in a really high pitched voice. This always works for me for some reason. I think cats prefer higher pitched noises. Take it from me, I’m the cat whisperer.

One time I met a cat in my neighborhood and I gave him a nice long rub. He rolled onto his belly on the sidewalk–it was pretty obvious that he was having an amazing time. When I was done massaging him I said “Okay bye” and started walking. He followed me for 3 blocks. I was like, “Umm okay BYE.” But there was no arguing with him. I gave him the most rubs ever. He finally stopped following me once he knew I wasn’t going to turn around again. So greedy!

I can easily relate to cats. I like to sleep. A lot. I like to eat. I don’t like getting wet. I judge people. I like when people do things for me. I like being pampered and getting massages. My Chinese Zodiac sign is the rabbit, but in Vietnamese is translates to cat. What I’m trying to say is that I’m basically a cat in a woman’s body.

Man’s Best Friend

I was on Pinterest the other day when I came across a family featured in Life Magazine for having a lion as a pet. Right when I was about to “pin” the amazing pictures on my Animals board, my iPad shut itself off. I think I would’ve been less mad if my finger got chopped off. I cannot trust my iPad for the life of me. Today I began to research the pictures again and found out that the family pictured wasn’t just any old family with a pet lion. It was Tippi Hedren’s family! If you are unaware of who Tippi Hedren is, she starred in the movie The Birds, among others, and is the mother to actress Melanie Griffith. If you still don’t know who she is, I honestly don’t blame you.

Apparently Tippi was engaged in a film set in Africa when she fell in love with lions. She wanted to start her own pride of lions and in order to do that, she decided to learn everything she could about them by living with one. I’m giving you the condensed version of the story. If you want to learn more about it, I found all of my information on this blog.

*These are not my pictures, I do not take credit for them. Obvs.*

Don’t Pick It Up

I don’t know what it is about society today, but people are under the impression that not picking up dog poop is a bad thing. (I’m really going to be a hard-hitting reporter today.)

Aren’t we making more work for ourselves? And who actually wants to pick up poop? We already have to scoop out litter boxes! Isn’t that enough responsibility? And maybe our dogs are feeling shameful because of this whole thing. Nowadays people roll their eyes when their dogs squat down. Geeze! Just let them do their business! If someone came in the bathroom and rolled their eyes when you were pooping, I’m assuming that you wouldn’t like that.

Dog poop is biodegradable and good for the earth. How else will the earth get it’s nutrients if we don’t let them sink in? This is the reason that all of those natural disasters keep happening. It’s true. Look it up. I’ve actually seen people pick up poop in biodegradable bags, and just leave the bags on the ground! Good logic.

I believe that the main reason we’re told to pick up after our dogs is because people don’t want to step in poop. That’s understandable. I just find it weird that people have decided they don’t like looking at the ground. Like, honestly, how hard is it to look where you’re walking? The fact that police men can give you tickets for not picking up your dog’s poop is absurd to me. This is a free world! Let dogs poop where they please!

One of my friends once told me about a woman she knew that was taking her dog outside in her front lawn. When the dog went to the bathroom, a jogger ran by and said, “I hope you’re going to pick that up.” Personally, I would’ve been like, “Sure, yeah, I’ll pick it up.” And then I probably would’ve smeared it on the jogger’s back. I don’t know, maybe I have a lot of angst today. I just feel like this is a pressing issue in today’s world and Romney and Obama better be talking about it during their debates.

Luna, The Whale.

I watched an amazing movie last weekend called The Whale. It’s a true story that takes place right of the coast of Vancouver Island (that’s where I live!) in Nootka Sound. The story is narrated by my lover Ryan Reynolds because he comes from the land up north and knows the story of Luna the whale well.

All Orca whales travel in pods. It’s true, ask them. The Whale, however is a story about an orca that gets separated from it’s pod at the age of two years old. In the movie they compare Luna’s situation to a child that’s meandering around a store, turns around and realizes that their family is no where in sight. Luna was all alone.

He would call into the night looking for his family. When no one answered his calls, he did the next best thing. He made friends. But not just any friends. Human friends. Luna hung around the passing boats, looking for attention. Lots of people gave him attention, too. It’s pretty hard to resist playing with an orca whale.

The Fisheries and Oceans Department was upset about Luna hanging around boats and people. It was dangerous for both sides involved. I don’t know about you, but I would’ve risked getting arrested and dove in the frigid water to play with Luna. Way too tempting!

Luna was teaching people that orcas were not killers by heart. He helped people recognize that whales needed interaction–he was lonely, he wanted to play and have fun! One lady in the film said that Luna would look you right in the eye as if he was saying, “I see you.”

The story of Luna is awesome. I’m jealous that I wasn’t living here during Luna’s reign. I would fully suggest looking up this movie and giving it a watch. Even if it’s only to hear Ryan Reynolds tell you a story.

My Strange Addiction

Okay, so I don’t actually have an addiction per se, but I am interested in some strange stuff.  You see, it all started because I’m a picker.

No, not a nose picker. Well, at one point I think we were all nose pickers. It’s like a cave of wonders in there. I’m a picker in the sense that I can’t leave things alone. If I have a scrape or a scab, consider it picked and prodded at all angles. Hangnails? Ripped off. Dead skin? Pshh gone in seconds. Pimples? Well, I wasn’t blessed with pimples to keep me occupied. Other people’s pimples? Poked, squeezed, and extracted thanks to moi. I don’t even see earwax on my Q-tips any more because I use them that often.

The thing is, I’m not addicted to any of those things. They just, entertain me and keep me busy. There was one day when I was all out of things to pick. Nothing left. So I went on YouTube and watched a video compilation of people popping pimples. I WATCHED STRANGERS POP ZITS. I love seeing puss being drained out. I don’t know why. You can stop reading now, if you’re getting grossed out. For some reason this all makes sense in my brain, but when it’s written out, it’s actually really weird.

Come here, troubled soul. I’ll get that for you.

The pimple videos were great and everything, but I started to get bored of them. So I found something new and more exciting. Bot fly removal. You need to hear a little background story before you truly understand what going on.

In South America, bot flies lay their eggs on mosquitoes because they’re too big to get close enough to hosts. The mosquitoes sting the hosts and the eggs fall off onto the host and, because of the body temperature of the host, the eggs hatch and the larvae burrow into the host’s flesh.

Just for the record, if science class was like this, I would’ve received an A+++.

The larvae grow and grow until they need to be extracted from the skin. You can’t pull them out easily though. They have teeth that hook them into your flesh. You have to put tape over their breathing hole and then they’ll come up for air. That’s the magic moment when you pull them out.

Here’s a video saying exactly what I just said, but better. Also, I don’t know why it says “sex maniacs” on it. Are bot flies sex maniacs?

It’s pretty exciting. I would be lying if I said I haven’t watched every human bot fly removal video on YouTube. I won’t watch them be removed from animals though. Even I have standards.

Also, if you’re looking to watch other extractions that aren’t as gruesome, may I suggest teeth being pulled? The one on Green Day’s Geek Stink Breath music video is a good one. Very rewarding at the end.

What have we learned? Don’t ever ever ever go to South America. And Lily is super gross.

 

Animals That Don’t Get Enough Street Cred

I’m always keeping animal’s best interests at hand. Well, not always. One time my dog bit me and then I bit him back, but like, he started it so, I don’t really know what he expected. DO NOT CROSS ME.

Today I want to take a deeper look at the animals that are under appreciated and overlooked. These animals deserve more credit. More street cred, if you will. Even though most of these animals don’t know what streets are. Okay, none of them know what streets are.

Let’s start with peacocks. Peacocks are frickin sweet. They’ve been around forever, so maybe we aren’t as impressed by their beauty for that reason. There’s a petting zoo nearby my house here in Victoria. Like all good zoos, there are peacocks strutting around aimlessly. Often times, they escape and chill in the park outside of the petting zoo’s gates. So badass. I’m always amazed at the small reaction that peacocks get. Like, people should be freaking out that these beautiful birds are walking among us. Their feathers are iridescent for crying out loud! I’m lucky enough to have seen the rare albino peacock that resides in my little corner of Canada. Maybe because I appreciate them so much?

The pistol shrimp. Have you ever heard of this guy? Probably not because I have to teach you guys everything. The pistol shrimp has been perfectly named. Watch this video and be amazed.

Snakes in general need more street cred. They literally have no arms or legs and society lives in fear of them. If I saw a human with no appendages, I would stare, sure. But I definitely wouldn’t be scared. Like, what are they gonna do? Wink at me? Frightening. Yet snakes are in this same situation and are huge predators! Serious snaps for snakes.

Narwhals are the closest thing we have to unicorns…I mean, besides horses. Narwhals deserve some credit because they live in frigid temperatures and rarely complain about it. And they also have like, a built in sword for fighting other narwhals and for charging in battle.

Tally ho, gents.

Consider the lemming–they look like chipmunks/hamsters. There’s a misconception that lemmings commit a mass suicide during their migratory season. Even though that would be rad, it’s not true. Lemmings just have crazy urges to jump in water. They’re actually perfectly good swimmers, but they usually jump in too much water, making it unable for them to swim out successfully. I think lemmings could conquer the world. They have good self esteem and they believe they can accomplish whatever they set their minds to. They just need to stop jumping into water and accidentally killing themselves.

Koala bears are animals after my own heart. They sleep between 16 and 20 hours a day. Just living the dream.

Catchin some zzz’s for a quick 20 hours.

Strange Characters

I feel like I’m an observant person. Since moving to Victoria, I’ve seen some pretty colorful folks. Some of them I see every day! Or at least once a week. These “characters” set the scene in my normal, everyday life in Victoria. It’s like I’m Belle from Beauty and the Beast, “There goes the baker with his tray like always–the same old bread and rolls to sell. Every morning just the same, since the morning that we came to this poor Provincial town…” I guess our town isn’t poor, but it is part of a province! I can relate to Beauty and the Beast on a whole new level now.

But seriously. Where’s the baker? I’m starving.

Lets start with Crazy Dachshund Guy. This guy has 3 dachshunds and he walks them all at the same time. Thus making him “crazy”. He’s pretty hard to miss. He never trips over his pups. It’s surprising how graceful he is, really. I would never own a dachshund solely because I cannot, for the love of all that is holy, figure out how to pronounce the word dachshund. I usually say docks-hund really fast and hope that no one calls me out on it. Apparently it’s pronounced dahks-huunt. I guess I’m not that far off. It still gives me anxiety so I just call them wiener dogs and hope that I don’t offend anyone. Plus, I get the pleasure of bringing the word wiener into the conversation.

The Moka House Coffee Crew and The Starbucks Coffee Crew. I’m referring to the people who sit outside of these coffee shops and people watch. I’m almost certain that these people have no jobs. They will eyeball you for the duration that it takes to walk past each establishment. We all know Starbucks is a chain that everyone loves. People at SBucks love to judge. People at Moka House are even worse. They want people to see them judging you. At least people at Starbucks are secretive…kinda. Basically, in Victoria you’re either a Moka House-r or a Starbucks-er. I play both sides. Can’t everyone just get along? Moka House is definitely the worst though because they have an awning to sit under and judge passersby even when it’s raining. You can’t beat that.

Schizophrenic “The World Is Ending” Guy. Twice a week this guy stands on the corner of our street covered in signs that casually mention the Earth being melted by lava. Where is this lava coming from? All of his signs have to do with either fire or lava. I think he does a lot of research because he always cites a Bible verse at the bottom of each one. “The Universe will be engulfed in flames. John 10 :2” Ummm, Crazy Face? I’m pretty sure John didn’t say that. He shouts at cars a lot. Whenever I see him , I make sure to walk to the other side of the street. If I didn’t, I’d probably end up getting in a Bible fight with him. Which would consist of me, throwing a Bible at his head.

“I’ll show you fire” Leviticus 21:5

Prance-y Jogger Guy/Girl. There’s this jogger that literally trots around like he’s a Lipizzan stallion. I’m 75% sure it’s a guy. Short hair, petite, really tan. It could go either way. Let’s just pretend it’s a guy because it’s funnier that way. He prances a lot. I study his method whenever I see him “jogging”. And by study, I mean that I drop whatever I’m doing and literally stare him down. It’s fascinating. Paul and I have tried to re-create the majestic way in which he dances along, but it cannot be copied. It’s almost too perfect. Also, it seems to work as a really good weight loss program since this guy has little to no body fat. I would try his approach, but I have this thing called dignity. And not to mention a reputation to uphold.

Those are just some of the characters that I see everyday. It’s perfectly normal to be jealous of my life.

Potential Jobs

I’ve never really had a real job before. I’ve done a lot of babysitting and my fair share of volunteering, but never a real, certified job. People often ask me what it is that I do and I usually say “nothing” or “sit around” and that ends the conversation. And all future interest in my life.

The only person that would understand my position is Hugh Grant’s character, Will, from About A Boy. In the movie, Will lived off the royalties of his father’s one-hit music career. His love interest asked him what he did for a living, to which he answered “nothing.” I have to keep reminding myself that people are super jealous of me every time someone looks unamused when I say that I don’t have to get up at 7 am. Or ever.

So here’s a list of potential jobs that I actually would be interested in. I’m hopeful that something related to the following list will pop up in my area.

Laser Tag Patrol. If you’ve never played laser tag, you can just get outta my face because you clearly don’t understand the meaning of life. For those of you who have partaken in the sweet enterprise that is laser tag, you know that there are people who hold you in a room and explain how to use your guns and tell you not to run. Being a seasoned tagger, I know that you simply cannot explain to people that they can’t run. They won’t obey you. If I were an employee, I would not only tell the players not to run, but I would trip them if they did. Serves them right for being disobedient. See, if I worked there, not only would you end up getting a good game of laser tag, you would be taking away life lessons as well.

Even if he wasn’t running, I would trip this guy just for the hell of it.

Making movie soundtracks. I’m really good at making mixes. It’s like a gift. One of my friends asked me to make her a mix the other day because she knows that my skills are that good. See, I’m already being commissioned! I haven’t done it yet, but that’s not the point. I really have an ear for what sets a certain mood or scene or time period. I like to think that I know what songs compliment each other. No one wants a soundtrack that doesn’t flow. Maybe I could work in Apple’s Genius division in deciding which bands would go well together. You know that trick on itunes when you buy something and it’s like, “Oh you’ll probably like this band too!” I wonder how many people go on crazy itunes shopping sprees because Apple keeps leading them to music that they might like. Whenever Apple recommends something for me I ignore it. You don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, APPLE.

Professional Animal Playtime Specialist. I really love animals. I love playing with them and rolling around with them. They make life so much better. I love big cats like lions and tigers. I hope to someday hug a lion. If it hugs me before I get mauled, it still counts right? I think in heaven we’ll get to live freely with all of the animals in the world. That’s the only  drive I have for going to heaven. I know that animals will be there. Being a Professional Animal Playing Specialist means that I would get to play with the animals and do nothing else. No cleaning up after them, or studying their behavior. Just playtime. I would definitely deem myself a professional AND specialist because I’m just that good.

I’ve used this picture almost 100 times in this blog. Okay 3 times.

Sleep Study Guinea Pig. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that being paid to nap would be awesome. Napping is the best thing ever. The little girl I babysit doesn’t like naps. I wish I could say “Okay, I’ll take a nap for you, and you can go take care of your brother.” Apparently that’s not the way it works. I have nothing in my brain to hide. It wouldn’t bother me if someone studied my brain and took pictures of it while I slept soundly. Sounds like a dream. No pun intended. Puns are gross.

If you hear of any openings of the type of jobs I described, please contact me. I would be willing to move everything for a job that I love and that I excel in.

Being A Tour Guide

Let me just start off by saying that I have no experience in being a tour guide. I got my degree in History (it’s useless) and one of the jobs that people recommended to me was tour guiding. Really? That’s the job you think I should do? I mean, yeah I’m funny and entertaining, and people would definitely pay to follow me around for the day, but having people depend on me for a good time is just way too much pressure.

My p-rents are coming into town tonight. And by tonight I mean midnight. So I don’t have to worry about planning anything today. Whew! I know that their main reason for coming is to see me, but I also want them to have a good time as well. Luckily Victoria has a lot of coolio activities for us to do. What I’m really dreading though, is the weather. Weather is so scary. You just have to hope for the best. Unless you’re Storm. I feel like Storm kind of got gypped out of a good super power. Like, whooo you can make lightning! I don’t know, I just think she’s kind of lame. Plus her hair is white and she’s only in her 30’s. Yikes Storm, yikes. Invest in some hair dye and get that under control.

Does she make any other weather besides lightning?

Like any good tour guide, I’ll take my parents to my apartment. I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m with a tour guide I always wonder what their living conditions are like. I mean, they can’t make that much dough. They’re pretty much like starving artists without actually being artists. Hopefully my parents will marvel at how nicely my husband and I have made our place look. I’m sure they’ll be full of awe that I haven’t burnt the place down yet.

Next, I’ll probably take them around the little village by my house. Once you walk down the street that the village is on, you’ll be at the ocean. There’s a dog park there, so that should take up some time as well. My family can be distracted by animals for hours on end. Dogs are awesome. Especially other people’s dogs. You get to enjoy them, without taking care of them! It’s pretty much a win-win.

I think only doing two activities per day is good. Not too many, but not too few. Plus, with lunch and dinner, and then some relaxation time, the day is pretty much over. The next day should be spent downtown methinks. I know how much my parents have missed buying me things, so it’ll be my treat to pick out some things for them to purchase.

I also want to take them to Fisherman’s Wharf to feed the seals. Seriously guys, it’s all about the animal activities! Seals are awesome to look at because they have cute faces and they’re all blubbery. And they’re super selfish. Which is always entertaining. Getting to feed animals is even better because then you really feel like you’re part of the circle of life. I swear the circle consists of me buying smelly fish and tossing it to those wide-eyed seals. Afterwards we can get fish and chips and pretend that we live in house boats.

Look at his body. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Sooner or later I’ll have to take them to my place of work, the museum. And if you think the museum pays me, you’re sorely mistaken. This seems like a rainy day activity. No one wants to walk around a museum while the sun is shining. Unfortunately, my rents are coming between exhibitions so they won’t even see anything super unique. We just had a wildlife photography exhibit that was awesome (it literally filled me with awe) but it ended a couple weeks ago. And our dinosaur exhibit doesn’t start until mid-May. Too bad I couldn’t continue my animal trend.

And lastly I might throw in a trip to Butchart’s Gardens. It’s a super beautiful place full of flowers and trees and ponds…okay full of gardens. I’ve only been there during Christmas for their light-show, but I’ve heard great things about their flowers! Flowers make people feel like life really has a purpose (which it does!). I imagine it to play out like some scene from Alice in Wonderland where all the flowers start singing “On a Golden Afternoon” or something of the like.

I forgot how scary the flower's faces were! The back left one is going to haunt my dreams.

Sounds like my parents are in for an eventful trip! What do you like to do when you tour people around your home town?