Doorknobs are Out

I haven’t blogged about how ridic Canada is for a long time. Which is kind of ridic of myself since my blog is called Lily in Canada. So misleading. I should just rename my blog Lily in Lush and get it over with. However, I finally have some great Canadian news.

Recently, Vancouver has made the executive decision to rid their city of doorknobs, taking into consideration those who are unable to…use doorknobs? When my husband alerted me of this news, I was curious as to why the city would make such an unnecessary choice. I mean, doorknobs are something that we’ve perhaps taken for granted, but I can’t see them offending anyone. He literally said, “They’re doing it for people who don’t have hands.”

Best visual ever. I immediately pictured groups of people who happened to have both hands severed at the wrists. I understand loosing one hand, but loosing two seems unlikely. The Vancouver Sun claims that they’re replacing the knobs with lever handles to make it easier for seniors and people with disabilities. Canadians are always being so damn thoughtful. In the states we would just say “Oh, you can’t open doors? Well that’ll teach you to not have hands.”

Lever handles make it a little easier for the hand-less folk, but not by much. I propose that Vancouver changes all of their doors to saloon-style or just get rid of doors entirely. Life would be way easier if everyone could just stroll through open holes in the wall. It might bring up a problem with theft, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Saloon doors would make everyone feel like a star when they enter a room. How could you not have fun with those? You could also pretend to hold one open for a frienemy and then let it accidentally swing back and hit them in the face. Not sure why this plan hasn’t been carried out considering it’s almost the year 2014 and we’re still using archaic doorknobs.

A Post About Nothing

I haven’t been feeling very inspired to write anything recently. Sometimes I feel like I’ve talked about everything there is to talk about. Sometimes I can’t even remember if I’ve written about a certain topic already or if I just dreamed that I did.

These days if you have writer’s block (or any kind of block at all really) you go onto Google and see what there is to write about. I typed “what should I blog about?” into Google, clicked on the first entry, and this is what it said:

1. What is your expertise? Readers want to read about what you know and your special experiences. Really!

Okay, geeze. I believe you. Problem is, I don’t have an expertise. Unless you count being able to name every Pokemon an expertise, I’ve got nothin. Are most people experts in a certain area? Is this some sort of life requirement that I missed out on? Should I look into something? I guess history would be my expertise because I got my degree in it, but we all know that’s a lie and I forgot everything I learned right after the final exam.

2. What’s the news? While you don’t have to necessarily be a news breaker, you can give your view on what’s happening in your industry and how it relates to your hobby, life, etc.

Am I supposed to have an industry? I don’t even know what day of the week it is, never mind what my industry should be. I feel like I break the news occasionally, but I usually sway towards celebrity gossip more than newsy news. Can we call it newsy news from now on? The reason I didn’t write about the newest celebrity news is because my heart is broken and talking about it just makes it hurt more.

I’ll give you a hint: It has to do with these two.

3. What is your personality? Do you like to take a stance? Are you funny? Do you like being a contrarian? These insights can help you to write about your topic.

Can’t I just be everything? Why do I have to choose just one of those things? Can’t I be a funny contrarian that likes to take a stance? Maybe I don’t want to be defined by one personality type. I think there are sides of me that are soft and kind and other parts that are funny and playful and other parts that are deep and thoughtful. Notice how I didn’t name any character flaws? It’s because I don’t have any, in case you’re wondering.

4. What are your hopes and fears? Things that you can’t stop thinking about or what keeps you up at night could be good things to share with others.

I would say one of my hopes is trying to live a good solid life. A life I can look back at and feel proud of. A lot of the time I get caught up in trying to make other people proud, but I think I should just be focusing on making myself proud. I try to be the best example to others that I can be.

My fear is that I’ll go to a restaurant and they won’t have my favorite thing on the menu anymore. This scenario has happened to me multiple times and it’s scarred me for life.

5. What are your hobbies? Things that you like to do on your free time are often great topics to discuss.

Um let’s see here. Sleeping is a big hobby of mine. Eating is also another big one. Going online. Driving and listening to music. Walking and listening to music. Just listening to music in general. Traveling to new places. Did I say eating? Um petting soft animals. Laughing at people. Laughing at myself. Not exercising. Shopping. Painting my nails (but only when they’re grown out). Going to movies. Eating popcorn. Eating chocolate. Eating.

I think that’s about it.

Were those prompts supposed to solve my writer’s block? Because I think they made it worse. And they made my self esteem plummet because I don’t have an industry or an expertise.

I guess technically you can’t have writer’s block if you’re not a writer, so I probably have nothing to worry about, right?

Sweet Thievery

I had to make sure I gave myself the proper amount of time to catch my breath before writing this post. You see, I’ve been laughing ever since I heard the report–there was a maple syrup heist in Quebec last Saturday. Canadians all around me asked if I heard the news. I guess we have different definitions of what news is.

So apparently some robbers stole a couple of barrels of syrup. I say “a couple” because the executive director of the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers (how would you like that to be your title?) said, “We don’t know yet how much is missing – we do know it is significant.” I wonder how they figured that one out. Looks like they’ve got some top Canadian sleuths on the case.

The best part of the whole story is that Quebec’s police force believes that the stolen syrup is going to be sold on the black market. Do you really think people are going to risk imprisonment  to buy maple syrup? Are people craving it that badly?

The executive director promises that there will be no shortage of maple syrup, so we shouldn’t worry. I guess people didn’t take into consideration that the US has their own supply of Vermont maple syrup. Maybe Canada was scared that they would have to start depending on the states for their own famous export. If that happened, Canada would probably be forced to change the emblem on their flag from a maple leaf to a beaver or something. So embarrassing. Let’s cross our fingers that Canada doesn’t have to go down that road.

I’m just gonna to stick to Aunt Jemima to be safe.