Doorknobs are Out

I haven’t blogged about how ridic Canada is for a long time. Which is kind of ridic of myself since my blog is called Lily in Canada. So misleading. I should just rename my blog Lily in Lush and get it over with. However, I finally have some great Canadian news.

Recently, Vancouver has made the executive decision to rid their city of doorknobs, taking into consideration those who are unable to…use doorknobs? When my husband alerted me of this news, I was curious as to why the city would make such an unnecessary choice. I mean, doorknobs are something that we’ve perhaps taken for granted, but I can’t see them offending anyone. He literally said, “They’re doing it for people who don’t have hands.”

Best visual ever. I immediately pictured groups of people who happened to have both hands severed at the wrists. I understand loosing one hand, but loosing two seems unlikely. The Vancouver Sun claims that they’re replacing the knobs with lever handles to make it easier for seniors and people with disabilities. Canadians are always being so damn thoughtful. In the states we would just say “Oh, you can’t open doors? Well that’ll teach you to not have hands.”

Lever handles make it a little easier for the hand-less folk, but not by much. I propose that Vancouver changes all of their doors to saloon-style or just get rid of doors entirely. Life would be way easier if everyone could just stroll through open holes in the wall. It might bring up a problem with theft, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Saloon doors would make everyone feel like a star when they enter a room. How could you not have fun with those? You could also pretend to hold one open for a frienemy and then let it accidentally swing back and hit them in the face. Not sure why this plan hasn’t been carried out considering it’s almost the year 2014 and we’re still using archaic doorknobs.

Music Review: Japandroids

I was lucky enough to get tickets to a Japandroids concert last month here in my new hometown of Victoria, B.C. My little slice of Canada doesn’t get too many good shows, but Japandroids are from Vancouver so adding Victoria to their tour probably just felt right. And I, for one, am thankful that they came here.

I hadn’t been to a rock concert in a long time. I was kind of psyched to dance to fast-paced songs all night and get knocked around a bit. My husband and I somehow managed to get in the front row, right behind the barricade so we were involved in all the concert action. There was lots of moshing–our friend even lost his glasses in the pit. Super hard core.

The ‘droids have two studio albums and one compilation album. Their most recent album, Celebration Rock, is the one that I’m the most familiar with. However, they played songs off of all their albums that night and I’m pretty sure they played their two studio albums in full.

Some of my favorite tracks from Celebration Rock are “The House That Heaven Built”, “Fire’s Highway”, and “Adrenaline Nightshift”. Their lyrics are fun to shout and super great if you’re looking for new tunes for your workouts. My favorite lyrics would have to be from “The House That Heaven Built” that say “When they love you and they will, Tell them all, they’ll love in my shadow, And if they try to slow you down, Tell them all, to go to hell.”

Surprisingly, the group is made up of only two people. For all the sound that they make, it’s impressive to think that there are only two instruments played by two vocalists. The duo put on a great and entertaining show that kept everyone on their toes. They asked the audience to go as crazy as possible and I could see the guards rolling their eyes.  There was a lot of crowd surfing, people running on stage, and many a beer sprayed. Insanity ensued.

I would totally suggest seeing Japandroids if they come to a city near you. I had an awesome night and would definitely see them again.

Extreme Makeover: Canada

So I think Canada finally looked in the mirror and said, “Wow we’re like, a super gross country. Let’s fix ourselves!” I knew it would be baby steps after I heard the news about the Canadian introduction of Target, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that Canada would take their country’s makeover to the next level. Friends and family, may I have the pleasure of being the first to announce that Nordstrom is coming to Canada!

I heard the news when I was volunteering, and I thought I was going to faint. My supervisor asked me if I’d ever been to Nordstrom. That’s like asking me if I’ve ever breathed air. I told him it was only my favorite store in the world, duh. And our conversation pretty much ended after that.

It’s like God keeps answering all of my really important shopping prayers. I’m so blessed. There’s just one problem. I don’t have any money. And in order to even look at a Nordstrom parking lot you have to have some dough. I might be exaggerating a bit.

The sad thing is, I’ve almost gotten used to not spending money here. I never buy clothes for myself anymore. I never have the urge to. See what happens when you move to Canada? It changes you.

Maybe the new introduction of Nordies will light a fire within me to shop more. Even though the closest one to me will be in Vancouver. So basically I’ll have to take a ferry or plane to get there. How rude. Clearly they didn’t have my best interests in mind. Actually, I don’t think they had anyone’s interests in mind since there will only be 4 locations in all of Canada (Toronto, Ottawa, Calgary, and Vancouver).

Canadian Nordstrom Pros: More shopping for me, more street cred for Canada, I will feel a sense of normalcy in Canada, and thousands of new jobs for Canadians.

Canadian Nordstrom Cons: Canadians working in Nordstrom and ruining everything, no actual Nordstrom close to where I live, I have no money so nothing even matters.

Red Meat in Georgia Straight

The title of this post should make absolutely no sense to you. I will explain. When we were in Vancouver, Paul picked up a newspaper out of one of those newspaper boxes. Newspaper boxes freak me out. You know they have hobo pee all over them, don’t you? Well, they do.

The Georgia Straight is an offbeat weekly mag that is distributed in Vancouver for free. Let me just point out that I don’t trust anything that’s free. Unless we’re talking about the samples in Costo–too good to pass up.

I call this magazine offbeat because it has a groovy feel. I guess they got in trouble because they published an article on how to grow pot. So not only are they an usual publication, they’re a stupid one as well.

While I was giving it a read through, I found myself looking at the comics. Okay, lets be honest, I went straight to the comics. I was taken aback when I saw that they had one of my favorite comics, Red Meat, in their paper.

click to make readable

When I was about 16 I found a book of Red Meat comics in my house. I was creeped, but not half as creeped as when I was read Edward Gorey stories as a child. Gashlycrumb Tinies will always be imprinted in my mind. Red Meat comics aren’t HILARIOUS. But they make me laugh more than Garfield or Dilbert or something equally as stupid. I was just excited to see it make an appearance in a newspaper since it’s not that popular. And glad to know that I’m not the only one who likes Milkman Dan.

Gangs in Surrey

Being behind a chain-link fence is no way to live your life.

When Paul and I were in Vancouver a couple weekends ago, we watched a news special on Indo-Canadian gangs in Surrey, B.C. I found the whole thing really odd. First of all, I had never heard of Surrey, but apparently its the second biggest city in B.C. Get this, the population is 394,976 and there are approximately 200,000 Indo-Canadians living there. By the way, this is the last time I’m referring to them as “Indo-Canadians”. Too PC for my blood.

The Indian population in Surrey is great in measure, but they have a severe problem with organized crime. When I was watching this report, it surprised me. There were kids of only 15 years old in these gangs–involved with murders, theft, and drug trade.These gangs are so powerful and popular that counselors often come to the high schools to persuade kids against joining them. The growth of the gang life is so strong that now, many groups have identifiable logos and have been rated the third strongest group of criminal organization in Canada after outlaw bikers and Asians. I love how Canada still has groups of outlawed bikers. So cute.

Growing up near a relatively large city, I was used to turning on the news and hearing about drive by shootings and drugs found in someone’s car on a daily basis. But its weird for me to think of a city that has so much crime occurring and no one really talks about it. Like it’s just a normal thing. I feel bad for the kids who grow up thinking that being in a gang is something to aim for. What kind of life is that? Probably really dirty, secretive, rich, powerful, tough, fun…..

Anddddddd now I’m done feeling bad.

Vancouver Adventure

This weekend, Paul and I spontaneously went to Vancouver with his mom and sister.  We had a great time, mostly because there was a lot of food involved.

When we first arrived we drove around for a while and then checked into our hotels. Paul and I stayed at a gross hotel that we got on hotwire.com called The Coast Plaza Inn or something like that. I kept saying “I don’t want to boast, but I’m staying at The Coast.” It was only funny the first time I said it. Paul’s family stayed at the Fairmont, which I would suggest staying at if you are ever in Vancouver. They had a dog to welcome their guests. BEST. IDEA. EVER.

We all went to Granville Island for a little while to see the market. It was pretty cool–it reminded me of Pike’s Market in Seattle. I got a really good hot apple cider which was basically worth the whole trip in my opinion.

Then Paul and I strolled around by the water and made people take pictures of us. And I somehow ended up doing a photo shoot. It happens to me all the time.
Later that night we ended up having dinner at a really great Greek restaurant called Athene’s. Or something like that. I got a pizza and it was delicious! After that, Paul and I walked back to our hotel in the frozen tundra. I probably have smallpox from The Coast.

The next morning we had breakfast at this little cafe and two girls came in after their walks of shame and started yelling at the guy working at the counter. It was pretty entertaining. And scary. Also, I had a blueberry muffin–sooo good. After that, we shopped for a bit (and Vancouver has surprisingly good shopping) and had food court food. I had something called Flaming Wok. It reminded me of my beloved Panda Express.

After that we did a little more shopping and then headed back to the ferry to take us home. We had more food on the ferry, but I won’t bore you with the details. Over all, it was a fun trip and I was glad that I got a little taste of Vancouver. I don’t think I could live in Vancouver though. Like most big cities, I love to visit them, but I couldn’t see myself living there. Too much energy, too dirty, too many cars and too many annoying people. I like what the city has to offer–the shopping, museums, galleries, the restaurants, the nightlife–but I don’t think I could do it every day. I never thought I would say this, but I missed Victoria. Awww.

Shark fin ban in Toronto

Shark fin soup: making soup 10 times scarier.

Guess what? If you guessed that Toronto is banning the use of shark fin, you’re pretty clever. To me, and people who like sharks, this is great news. Poor little sharks being killed for just their fin? Wrong. I like to use an American Indian method to validate any animal slaughters: If the killer uses the ENTIRE animal, I think that’s more appeasing than taking only what you want. But don’t get me wrong, there is no excuse for animal cruelty and none for hunting or excessive slaughter.

I think its great that Canada wants to have healthy oceans and a strong shark population. It’s also for their benefit–I assume not too many people are ordering the very expensive shark fin soup every night. 1 pound of shark fins costs about $600. So unless you have tons of money at your disposal and have expensive taste buds, I doubt shark fin is in your order.

Apparently Claudia Li, founder of the Shark Truth Campaign is trying to push Vancouver into following Toronto’s lead. I guess Mayor Gregor Robinson is being super annoying about it. He said:

When there was a ban for other types of animal products like [insert: gross parts of animals] what we did see in Vancouver was growth in the black market. We don’t want to see that happen with shark fin.

Okay, first of all Mr. McGregor (can I call you that?), don’t pretend that Vancouver is cool and has a black market. Secondly, more than 300 people attended a meeting in the Chinese community to think of alternative to shark fin soup. So I guess it’s safe to assume that you don’t know what you’re talking aboot.

Fifa Street references Vancouver

My first true love. With an 8-pack.

I was browsing through various news stories the other day and something caught my eye: “Fifa Street references Vancouver.” Immediately I thought that this must be something special since it was in the news. Maybe this was the first time that Canada has ever been cool enough to be in a video game that didn’t include fur trapping.

Unfortunately, the article mostly dealt with the fact that there were no female avatars in the game. Apparently it’s because

the added cost to shape [women’s] bodies and model movement and clothing is costly and didn’t provide enough return on investment.

This would probably upset a lot of female rights activists, lesbians, or just annoying women. But I couldn’t care less. I’m what you would call an anti-feminist. I think women shouldn’t have to make a living outside of the household. And I definitely do not agree with that “anything you can do, I can do better” mentality. That’s probably the farthest thing from the truth. Unless you have some sort of disability. Because if that’s the case, I will totally destroy you.

I think we all know the real reason why the bros at EA Sports haven’t made female players–girls are bad at sports. No guy would pick the girl player. Most girls don’t even pick the girl player. For example, when I play Crazy Taxi, I always pick Axel. The game includes one girl character and I don’t think anyone has ever used her. Why? Because the objective is to drive fast and not get into accidents. Axel will always deliver. Plus, he has green hair.

This is war

Hes like an angel. An angel named Shia.

Intense drama is happening over the border. The USA’s lovely Shia LeBeouf who starred in Even Stevens, Holes, Disturbia, and other movies that aren’t as good, was beaten up yesterday in Vancouver. I don’t know if Canadians have received the memo, but Shia is a gem amongst Americans. And he happens to be my first true love (sorry Paul). Imagine, I could have been Lily LeBeouf. Has a certain ring to it, dontcha think?

I can almost assume that Shia was minding his own business as he was leaving the pub where he was battered. I mean, he’s never been in trouble before (besides the time he was arrested in Chicago after refusing to leave a Walgreens….and that time that he got a DUI in LA). I feel bad for him. How would you like it if some fat Canadian man came up and started punching you? Sounds like my worst nightmare.

Canadians have to learn to control their obviously insane tempers. From now on, if anyone that I don’t know personally even tries to exchange glances with me, I am calling the authorities mounties. If Canada thinks they can unfairly attack our nation’s shining star (and my soul mate) then I am going to personally punch every celeb who has some connection to the great white north. I urge you to join me on this fight against evil.

Here’s the video of Shia basically fighting for his life: