She bit her nails down to the quick.
They looked like they hurt a helluva lot though she never winced.
“Get your fingers out of your mouth,” people would say.
I saw her roll her eyes
the way smokers do when told they’ll die.
She said the water stung when she dipped her hands into the sea.
“Like putting salt in a wound,” I muttered.
“Yes.” She said, “Exactly.”
What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.
Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.
Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.
Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.
Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.
Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.
Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.
Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.
So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.
This is going to be a seasonal break from my posts aboot Canada to talk about some of my favorite things in fall. Lets get started, shall we?
1. “Someone Like You” by Adele. Such a good song. I listen to it at least once a day. I think my neighbors are starting to get creeped/going to kill me. The song’s lyrics are kind of weird, “Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.” Like, you’re really awesome and I love you but you don’t love me, so I’ll settle for someone like you, but they won’t be as good as you. Hmm that’s a pretty bad sitch. I’m still not convinced that Adele isn’t singing about Nutella though.
2. Pizza. I got such a good deal on pizza at Costco (I know, I know. I shop there now). It was 4 pizzas for $12. I think they are meant for at least two people, but surprisingly, I am able to finish them off without any help.
3. My birthday. It was on October 5th and even though I am getting super old (24 blehh), it’s still really nice to have 100 notifications on facebook. I felt the love. And if you didn’t wish me happy birthday, you are officially dead to me.
Perfect. Purrfect.
4. Pictures of cats. Cats are so awesome. And pictures of cats dressed up or just being weird really make me happy. Cats always look like they hate the world and it never ceases to put a smile on my face.
5. “Big Wheels” by Down With Webster. I really just like this song for the music video. It’s got a video game theme and I am kind of obsessed with gaming. There is a scene in the video where the band is go-kart racing and they filmed it like Mario Kart. I really appreciated it.
6. The Pacific Ocean. I can walk to the beach from my apartment in about 15 minutes. Granted, its cold outside and the water is freezing, but its kind of a great luxury to live by the ocean and stare out into it’s vastness. Yes, I’m gay.
7. Tweeting. I know, I know! A little slow on the uptake. The word “tweeting” kind of makes me want to re-think my life, but there is something so great about being able to write a message to some of my favorite celebs in hopes that they might read it. It seems kind of vain at times, but hey, if you like listening to yourself talk (or reading your own words) then it’s definitely for you.
8. Animal Crossing. Okay this is a video game for Wii where you start a life in this town and you make friends and eventually establish yourself as a capable townsperson. I was explaining to Paul how its really cool because you have to work for this guy in the town in order to pay off your house. And Paul was like, “Oh that’s weird. I have to do that in real life.” No one understands me. I was really stressed in this game trying to make a living. How belittling.
9. Tumblr. You can use tumblr for lots of different things. Many people use it to blog or to post pictures that they have taken. I post pictures of things that I wish I had. It’s like a virtual scrapbook of dreams. Yes. And on that note, I am finished.
Lily In Canada 