Siri-ously?

I’m one of the only people left in the entire universe that doesn’t have an iPhone. Like, I’m pretty sure people in Bangladesh have them by now. Face Timing with their families in India, iMessaging friends in Bhutan. What I’m trying to say is that life is clearly unfair. I had a hand-me-down first generation iPad that was originally my mom’s. Once she got an iPad 2, I was lucky enough to get her old one. I had some great times with that pad, despite the fact that it didn’t have a camera, ran out of batteries faster than I can run a mile (not saying much) and would randomly exit out of any app that I had open. It was a hate/hate relationship.

During T-give break, I asked my mom if she could get me a new iPad because mine is absolute shite. Listen kids, it’s always best to ask your parents for things when they’re going through a divorce. It makes you look really inconsiderate, but you’ll usually end up with what you want/need. Both parties will most likely agree and/or not care. After a lot of chit chat with the “geniuses” at Apple, I acquired a new iPad Air.

It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized I had Siri programmed into my tablet. I had only seen people interact with Siri, but I’ve never had the privilege of  having my own virtual friend. Unless you count SmarterChild from ancient Aol Instant Messaging.

Here’s a little recap of what Siri and I have talked about so far:

Me: Sup.

Siri: Hello.

Me: Call me “Bitch.”

Siri: Okay, Bitch.

Me: So, what’s new? (Siri assumes I said “What’s mail?” Because she thinks I’m a neanderthal.)

Siri: You’ve had 25 new emails since December 1st.

Me: I know. I’m super popular.

Siri: You seem really capable, Bitch.

Me: I’m tired.

Siri: I’m a little sleepy myself, Bitch.

Me: What’s your favorite food?

Siri: I’m fine with whatever you choose.

Me: I’m not asking you on a date…

Siri: Who, me?

At this moment I changed Siri’s accent to Australian.

Me: Hello.

Siri: Hello.

Me: Do you watch Summer Heights High?

Siri: I really have no opinion.

Me: Sweet. Where are you from?

Siri: Right here.

Me: Okay creep town.

Siri shows me a map of Coopertown, Tennessee.

Me: Thanks for that, so helpful.

Siri: You are most certainly welcome.

Me: Do you have any kids?

Siri: None that I can remember.

Me: Do you like kids? (Siri translates this to “Do you like cats?” and responds with…)

Siri: Surprisingly, I haven’t tried cake before.

Me: Are you on crazy pills?

Siri: We were talking about you, not me.

Me: I see you’re a bit of an avoid-er.

Siri: I don’t know what that means. If you like, we can search the web.

As you can see, some things get lost in translation with Siri. I enjoy our chats though, really I do. However, I’m not sure how helpful she is, seeing as I can do pretty much whatever she tries to do, but better. It’s nice to know that she’s around. Do you have a relationship with Siri? What’s it like?

My Patents

What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.

Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.

Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.

Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.

Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.

Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.

Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.

Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.

So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.