Judging, P0wning N3wbs

A Connection I Wish I’d Missed

I was walking aimlessly downtown around 3pm when I passed by my husband’s work. I asked him if he wanted to go for a quick coffee since the sky was blue and he probably wanted an excuse to leave the droning of his office. He came down and we went to this little place across the road called Street Level Espresso.

After walking in and ordering (one Americano for him, one Tea for Sad People for me) we sat down and smiled. It’s not everyday you get to share a sweet second during the busy work day. Our moment of bliss was cut short by an 84-year-old woman’s voice. I know her age because she said it 3 times out loud. I also know she worked in a factory for 50 years because she casually mentioned it thrice as well.tumblr_mhak7tJEgc1s4xhulo1_500

After Paul swallowed the rest of his drink to the sounds of this woman’s voice talking over the coffee machines, I told him it was fine to leave me. I’m usually the first to inhale food or drinks, but my tea was so hot I couldn’t gulp it. As he left, I readjusted myself so I was facing the bar of the shop instead of the back of the store. Just because I hate people doesn’t mean I have to look like I hate people.

The 84-year-old woman, Mary, gasped when she saw my feet. “I LOVE YOUR SHOES! THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL.”

Toms Rose Gold Glitter Women's Classics Shoes_01

My “beautiful” shoes.

“Ohh uhh, thanks. Yeah, they’re kinda fun.”

“I once bought a pair of sparkly shoes downtown for 150 dollars. They aren’t comfortable so I don’t know when I’ll ever wear them. I couldn’t wear them in the factory, that’s for sure!”

Come on tea, cool down. 

“Look at that picture of a chicken on the wall! Who would ever want that picture? For 100 dollars! Hmph!” She said, staring at it.

All of a sudden a taller man, Zeke, came into the shop whom Mary greeted with excitement.

Do they boil their tea with lava?

Mary kept on talking to Zeke while I burned my mouth numerous times, sacrificing my body in order to free my mind. When I finally finished, I rose and strode to the door. “It was nice meeting you.” I said.

“Oh, meet my friend!” She said, motioning to Zeke.

Oh come on.

“Hi, I’m Lily. Nice to meet you.” And I’ll probably never see you again ever. Why is your palm so sweaty?!

“Hi, Zeke.”

“I guess I’ll see you around. Mary, right?” I said.

“AHAHA YES!”

Congratulations on your first time being outside and interacting with people, Mary.

 

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Feelings, P0wning N3wbs

Tales of a Menace

When I was a youth (I love when people refer to themselves as “youth”) I caused a lot of trouble. Not like making messes or bullying other kids. Instead I would think of a scenario and say to myself, “What if I actually did that?” and then I would do it. And almost every time I upset someone.

I remember going into my next door neighbor’s yard to play after school one day. My brother came with me. I recall telling him to tell our neighbor, a girl his age, that giants were going to come and take her parents away. We both took her into her garage and concocted a story that would scare any 6 year old girl. She cried. We immediately said how sorry we were and how we were only joking. I didn’t realize that it would be so scary for her. Even though if someone did that to me, I would’ve freaked out.

In fourth grade, I knew my family was planning on moving. I didn’t really know how to tell my best friend, Kelly, that I was leaving. So I simply said, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” Looking back, I probably could’ve worded it better. Instead, she cried and I just avoided her until I moved. I really wanted to find her on Facebook and apologize for my 10 year old behavior. I haven’t been able to find her. What if she died of depression because her best friend in elementary school stopped talking to her?

Being young and stupid, I learned that cheating was the quickest and easiest way to get anything done. I remember asking a kid in my class what his answers were and he said “You’ll never learn anything if you cheat.” Actually, I learned a lot of things, like how to avoid doing homework. Well, one day, on our state capitals test, I forgot the capital of Vermont. I knew I couldn’t let that kid prove that I didn’t learn anything. So I thought fast. No, I didn’t think of the capital. But I did ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom and then proceeded to ask a couple of girls in the bathroom what the capital of Vermont was. “Isn’t it Montpelier?” they said. “Ohhh yeah. Yes, it is!” I said, beaming. I went back to class, scribbled down Montpelier, and finished my test. All that work to prove that kid wrong, and he didn’t even notice my good grade.

From ages 12-17 I went to Girl’s Camp through my church during the summer. It was only a week long, but my friends and I would always end up getting into some sort of trouble. When I was 16, my friend and I decided it would be a good idea to play pranks on some of the camp leaders. We would sneak into their lodges (Why did they get lodges but we had to sleep outside?) and steal their stuff and hold it for ransom. We especially gave this one woman, Amanda, a hard time. Mostly because she was young and cute and had a way about her that seemed to say, “I know I’m young and cute.” She was a good sport about all the tricks we played on her. However, we knew there would be payback in store, so we bought a lock to keep our tent safe while we were away doing campy things. One day we came back and our lock had been cut right in half.  We opened our tent to find it filled with popcorn. I have to admit that it was clever. It probably took a lot of time and money to concoct such a plan. The thing is, the tent was my friend’s dad’s tent. His one rule was: ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD IN THE TENT. My friend and I panicked. But then we realized we could put all of the blame on someone else.

When we got home, my friend’s dad called Amanda and scolded her for ruining his tent. I mean, it was pretty buttery after that prank. The tent would no doubt attract every bear in the vicinity. Amanda got put in her place. Apparently she cried. That’s what she gets for stooping down to our level.

I think I’ve mostly grown out of my mean streak. It was bad when I was younger, and started to disappear as the years went on. Every now and then I’ll reminisce of the days when I liked causing trouble. I was much cooler back then.

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Feelings, P0wning N3wbs

My Patents

What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.

Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.

Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.

Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.

Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.

Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.

Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.

Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.

So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.

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Movies, P0wning N3wbs, TV

The Avengers Vs. X-Men

I really like Marvel Comics. I support a lot of the movies they’ve made over the years. Growing up, my brother and I were big X-Men fans. We watched that weird cartoon, had the action figures, and even owned a t-shirt or two. I didn’t know a lot about The Avengers until I was older and wiser. While viewing The Avengers movie today, I was impressed. I usually compare other superheroes to X-Men to see how they measure up. The Avengers pleasantly surprised me. I realized that I’ll have to delve into the depths of each character for a thorough study of which gang is stronger. I’ll try to be fair and balanced. Just like Fox News.

Lets start with Thor and Professor X shall we? These men are both similar except for the fact that one is the God of Thunder and one is wheelchair bound.  Both men are level-headed and seek the good in all things.  Professor X was once allies with Magneto, who eventually used his powers for evil. Thor was also once on good terms with his brother Loki (Yep.) until he strayed to the dark side. Thor is ultimately powerless without his hammer. Whereas Professor X can control your mind and weaken his enemy without laying a hand on him. Which is a good thing since he can’t walk. In the looks department, Thor wins by a long shot. And I mean a really long shot. But what Prof X lacks in looks, he makes up for in power. Charles Xavier is the winner of this round! *Side note: What kind of cruel joke did Thor’s parents play on Loki? Loki is adopted on top of everything else. So you name your actual son Thor, and then name your adopted son Loki? Seems fair.*

He’s in a wheel chair! How did he get abs like that!?!?

Iron Man vs. Wolverine. Both of these men hate taking orders. They also both think extremely highly of themselves. Tony Stark aka Iron Man is a billionaire genius. He soaks in knowledge quickly and knows how to use it to his advantage. He makes Wolverine look like a simpleton brute, which he is. When it comes down to brains and braun, Mr. Stark takes the cake for both. All Wolverine has are metal claws jutting out of his knuckles. And that’s cool, don’t get me wrong, but Tony’s get-up is hard to compete with. His uniform makes it possible for him to fly, shoot fire, lasers, you name it. Although, it’s important to remember that without his Iron Man layer, he’s just a regular old joe. Whereas Wolverine has his claws forever. Unfortunately, I have to call Iron Man the winner. Even though he’s super narcissistic and has gross facial hair. Logan aka Wolverine aka my lover will always be one of my favorites.

A character that I knew next to nothing about is Natasha Romanoff or, Black Widow. She’s a spy and worked for Tony Stark at one point. She’s played by ScarJo, who I really like. I only refer to her as ScarJo in case you were wondering. I would compare Natasha with Jubilee only because Jubilee was kind of like a companion to Wolverine, who I compared to Tony Stark. And they’re both girls I guess. Black Widow is pretty amazing. She’s the ultimate spy. She’s super good at martial arts and thinking on her feet. She’s also pretty. Jubilee is slightly mutt-ly and doesn’t have any good powers. She can generate “explosive plasma”. So basically she can make fireworks. Terrifying. Jubilee is a disgrace to all X-Men. She doesn’t deserve to be at the School for Gifted Youngsters. Natasha Romanoff wins. (I’m hoping to get tons of hits by tagging “Jubilee”. People will come looking for facts about the Queen’s Jubilee and stumble across this dumb post.)

Note to self: Black lycra suits are ALWAYS flattering.

Captain America and Cyclops. These men are one in the same. Both cute, kind, and determined. Captain America is a man of the ’40s. He’s still getting used to  the modern world and not having Nazis around. His main goal is to help society–a true hero. Scott Summers or, Cyclops has the same goodness that the Captain does. Cyclops is extremely obedient towards Prof X as is Captain America towards Nick Fury (The leader of the Avengers. Basically Samuel L. Jackson with an eyepatch.). The only downfall to Captain America is that he only has a wimpy shield to defend him. Okay, the shield isn’t wimpy per se, but it’s all he has! And he’s decked out in stars and stripes. That’s so embarrassing. His enemies can see him from miles away. Cyclops can shoot a laser from his eyes(he’s not an actual cyclops, by the way. That would be gross.) and comes from a long line of mutants. Cyclops is the winner of this round. Ding ding ding!

Lastly I’m going to compare the Hulk and Beast. The Hulk, commonly known as Bruce Banner (dangerously close to Bruce Jenner) is a mean green fighting machine. I wish there was a better, less cheesy way to describe him, but alas, there is not. Dr. Banner is extremely smart. He created a gamma ray bomb, which worked, but he unfortunately came in close contact of it and it turned him into the Hulk. But only when he’s mad. If I were Bruce, I would be Hulking out all the time. Like if the waiter didn’t take my old glass away after he gave me a new one, I would go crazy. Hank McCoy also known as Beast is also a science mega mind. He concocted a medicine to take away his mutant powers (originally he could just walk on the ceiling so who could blame him?) and the medicine ended up turning him blue and giving him super strength, much like the Hulk. They are very similar characters with almost identical backgrounds. I should probably let the Hulk win because his power seems greater than Beast’s, but Beast is always ready for action. Whereas Hulk has to be angry in order to become Hulkish. What if he just wanted to fight for the fun of it? Wouldn’t work. Beast is the winner!

Way scarier than a Frankenstein look-alike with purple pants.

So I guess X-Men are more powerful than the Avengers. I mean, it’s pretty obvious. Side note: I didn’t include Jeremy Renner’s character “Hawkeye” because no one referred to him as Hawkeye in the film, so I refuse to believe that he’s a real super hero. He’s basically a pro archer. I mean, I could find one of those at the Olympics.

Who’s your favorite super hero? Double points if your favorite is part of X-Men!

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P0wning N3wbs

The Worst Job In The World

I over exaggerate a lot. It’s not the worst job in the world. But it’s the worst job that I’ve ever had. Mainly because it’s one of the only jobs I’ve ever had. Telemarketing. Phoning people and asking them questions. Trying to sell them something. Getting hung up on. It all just really sucks and makes you want to die.

My thoughts when being hung up on.

Some corporation called me the other day telling me that my long distance calls would only cost 2 cents from now on. To which I replied, “Oh great!” Little did I know, my response would enable them to sign me up for some other type of bill. I didn’t even agree to anything, they just worded it in a confusing way which obviously tricked my small brain. Some kind of sorcery if you ask me. I told the guy over the phone that I had to go even though I hadn’t finished his questions. He started yelling at me. “No! You can’t go. You still have to tell me your email!” Click.  I realized that I’d already told him too much.

He called me back a little later asking for my email and I told him that I didn’t want the service that he was selling. He got really upset and hung up on me. Like a little girl.

I remember working at a call center. It’s literally the worst job. I worked next to my friend and we would talk between our calls. Once someone answered the phone we would put on our fake voices at lightning speed.  I hated everything about that place. I hated calling people and disrupting their day. I hated being hung up on. I HATED using the military alphabet. ‘V’ as in Victor? ‘I’ as in I hate you so much.

Tell me how much you hate yourself after you say 'P' as in Papa.

Sometimes people would be really cool and answer all of my questions. In fact I seem to remember telling someone I loved them. I think the call center recorded some of the calls so they probably thought I had Tourette’s or something. Others would tell me that they couldn’t talk because Dancing with the Stars just came on. Decent excuse. One time I called someone named John Lennon. “Hello is this John Lennon?” That kind of thing doesn’t happen too often.

I quit after about 3 weeks. It wasn’t too strenuous, but I just hated taking time away from someone’s day. I try to be polite when telemarketers call me, since I know what life is like on the other end of the phone. But it’s just so tempting to yell at them. Or tell them that no one loves them.

What do you say to telemarketers that interrupt your precious down-time?

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Judging, P0wning N3wbs

Spy Games

Spying on people is kind of the best thing ever. It’s like people watching but better because you can watch from the privacy of your own home. You can laugh and point all you want because no one can see you. One of my favorite spying memories is from a hotel in downtown Victoria, B.C. My mom stays in a hotel that has a good view of the harbor so they provide guests with hi-tech binoculars. They’re a never-ending source of entertainment. I’m able to spy on people hundreds of yards away. It’s perfect. I feel like I’m in charge of my own planet of mini people.

What are you really going to find with a magnifying glass? Do they even make those anymore?

Ever since I’ve moved here there’s been apartments being built right outside my window. I spy on the construction workers all the time. I know when they’re slacking off or listening to music. I can even peek inside the apartment windows and see what kind of fake-o granite was picked for the counter tops. There have been a couple of times when I’ve had to use my super stealth moves in order to avoid the gaze of the workers. I’m starting to think that I might be the closest thing to a female version of James Bond.

This really gets me thinking though, what if you saw something that you weren’t supposed to see? Of course I’m thinking of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. The main character, who happens to be in a wheelchair, finds himself dying of boredom and ends up spying on his neighbors. He believes one of them is a murderer and tries to convince his girlfriend (played by Grace Kelly) that he’s not crazy.

Grace Kelly wouldn't date James Stewart in real life FYI.

If I witnessed a murder I don’t really know what I would do. You can’t really call the police. I mean, you could, but what if they couldn’t find anything on the guy (I’m not even going to try to be politically correct. Girls aren’t murderers. Except Casey Anthony. Why hasn’t anyone killed her yet, by the way?) and then the guy knows that you know about his secret. You’re definitely dead after that. So I would probably just sit there and not tell anyone. I mean, what’s a girl to do?

They recently modernized the story of Rear Window. Disturbia is a similar story of a young guy (played by my love, Shia LaBeouf) who’s on house arrest because he beat up one of his teachers. Living the dream, he’s suspended from school and left to his own devices. He spies on all of his neighbors, suspecting one of being a murderer. I really liked this movie. It might have been because of the scene where Shia eats peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon and pours chocolate sauce all over it. That scene made me realize that there are people in the world who are just like me.

I'm sensing a binocular theme...

Have you ever thought about phones being tapped? What if someone listened to all of your conversations? If they listened to mine they would realize that my mom and I can make a conversation about literally anything. Paul and I have our own type of weird language (as you do when you get married) so they wouldn’t be able to understand us without using the Rosetta Stone. The actual Rosetta Stone, not that computer program for people who want to learn Italian in 2 days.

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P0wning N3wbs

Inaccuracies

Carlos K. Krinklebine

Have you ever watched a movie or a TV show that had obvious inaccuracies? It doesn’t have to be historical, it can just be something–a minor detail even–that doesn’t exactly flow with the story. My brother will actually stop watching something because of inaccuracies. I’ll usually let them fly.

The situations that bother me the most, though, are when books are made into movies. My mom and I both read a humongous book called “Pillars of the Earth”. They turned it into a 8 episode show on Starz. I should have known it would be awful because it was on a network that can’t even spell a simple word correctly. During the first episode, I was able to point out way too many details that the makers of the show got wrong. This frustrated me so much that I refused to watch any more of it. Just like my bro.

Obviously, certain things are going to be different from how you pictured them in the book. But when writers change or skip over actual events that took place in the story, that’s when it gets annoying.

So that brings me to today. If you didn’t already know, I babysit twice a week. During this time I end up watching some kids shows. I’m pretty sure I enjoy the shows more than the kids. It’s the simple things, really.

I couldn’t help noticing a show called “The Cat in the Hat Knows A  Lot About That” which airs daily. I love The Cat in the Hat. I used to watch the animated version of that story all the time. The old one, not the Mike Myers creep-fest. Same with The Grinch. The animated one is so good, but the remake is terrifying.

The Cat in the Hat” show is educational and clever, but I noticed some inaccuracies that needed to be brought to the network’s attention. Two minor details that could easily be fixed.

Here is the email I sent the network:

To whom it may concern,

I watch a lot of Treehouse TV when I babysit during the week. I couldn’t help noticing some inaccuracies in the show “The Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That”. The show itself is great, but I’m just wondering why the kids refer to the fish as simply “fish” instead of his real name, Carlos K Krinklebine. Surely you have watched the original animated version made in 1971? Also, I have noticed a lot of Canadian flags in the background of the show. I feel like Dr. Seuss himself would not approve of this because he’s not a Canadian. I don’t believe that he gave you permission to set any of his characters in a Canadian setting. So why have the flag there at all?

I sincerely hope you can answer these questions that I have.

Thank you for your time.

Lily

They responded with:

Dear Treehouse Viewer,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us.  We aren’t always able to personally answer every individual question, but your feedback will be shared with the appropriate departments. 

Um. Rude. I just took time out of my very important morning to inform you about how you could make your show better. And you give me an automated response? Expect a lot of emails in the future, Treehouse. You haven’t heard the last from me.

 

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