Taken 2 aka LOL

I usually trust my mom’s movie advice. She and I seem to have similar taste in films. Last week she had seen Taken 2 and enjoyed it. I couldn’t help remembering how convenient things were in the first Taken movie. Liam Neeson finds his daughter who is lost in the underground Parisian sex slave trade. There is no way that would happen in real life. I don’t care who your dad is. Side note: I remember I was told not to go to Paris after this movie came out.

I just want to address some comedic highlights in Taken 2 so none of you have to spend your money on this (unless you want a good laugh). The first 30 minutes is pure cheese. Like, the cheesiest cheese you could imagine. It was bad acting. And this is coming from the girl who forgot her lines in a play and ran off stage crying.

In the beginning of the movie we learn that Liam Neeson’s (I’m not referring to him as his character because he’ll always just be Liam Neeson to me)  daughter, Kim is just trying to live a normal life after her dad saved her from being sexed up by crazy Turks. Is that PC? She’s dating some loser named Jamie and taking driving lessons from her dad. Sounds fun.

Kim and her mom surprise Liam Neeson in Turkey while he’s there on some Turkish business. I don’t know why they had the urge to go to Turkey, but okay. One part that actually made me laugh out loud (along with the rest of the audience) was when Liam Neeson called his daughter and told her, “I don’t want you to panic, but your mom and I are going to be taken.” See if I were Kim, I would’ve been like, “Geeze Dad you’re so embarrassing!” But instead she just starts crying. Weird.

Dad, I’m trying to relax. Get to the point.

Liam happens to have this sweet mini phone that’s never been invented. Maybe he had an in with dead Steve Jobs or something. Anything goes in this movie. He talks to his daughter and walks her through how to save them. He basically tells her to go in the closet and find his grenade stash and throw the grenades everywhere in the city so that he could hear them to figure out his location. Kim pretty much destroys Istanbul doing so.

The movie continued on and the entire time I was hoping that Liam and his clan would either die or get arrested and rot in Turkish prison. Liam lets Kim drive in a getaway scene which is actually the most exciting part of the entire movie. She didn’t have her license, and you sure could tell! Damn Kim messed up Istanbul real bad. She honestly should’ve gone to jail.

Kim trying to drive while her father shoots people.

And then, to wrap it up, Liam ends up escaping with his bad fighting moves. Couldn’t they have afforded a stunt double for this guy? Everything ultimately works out and the movie ends with the family, safe at home, going out for milkshakes. With Jamie.

I wish I was kidding.

My Patents

What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.

Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.

Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.

Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.

Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.

Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.

Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.

Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.

So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.

Move Over Madame Tussaud

For some reason a doll of Steve Jobs has been made. Let’s think about this for a second. Someone came up with the idea to make a Steve Jobs doll, actually told people about it, and got it made. Some people have no shame.

OMGahh that totally looks like Steve!

I’m not going to beat around the non-existent bush, dolls are creepy as hell. Barbies are alright because if they attacked you in the middle of the night, you could swat them away. American Girl Dolls are another story. If you look at them dead on, they’ll peer into your soul and you’ll wish you were never born. Trust me. I had 2 of them. Kirsten and Samantha. *shudder*

The only thing creepier than dolls are wax figures. I’ve had the pleasure of going to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum and it’s pretty horrifying. I mean, its fun when you pretend that you’re hanging out with celebrities but then it just goes downhill after you post any pictures on your facebook. My favorite is when someone comments on an obvious Madame Tussaud’s picture and says “Omigosh! I thought that was really Justin Timberlake!!!!11!1 heheh!”

It was either this picture, or one of me and a wax Hilter.

I wonder what celebrities think when they’re told that a wax sculpture is going to be made in their image. I would be offended. Although, I get offended if I have to wait in line at the grocery store.

I feel like the creators of the Steve Jobs doll should make him into a doll that also serves as an iPod dock. I think he would’ve liked that.