The only lesbians that I allow.
I think it’s time for a little bit of tough love (otherwise known as the best part of my week). I’ve been keeping my eyes open for crazies because I haven’t had any run-ins as of late. How strange! Maybe I’ve just found the safe spots in town, or maybe they’re all hibernating. I managed to pick out some weirdos anyway. Let the judging commence.
One day I was driving home from “work” and I pulled up behind a bright blue car with a rainbow squiggle on the bumper. Not a rainbow flag, but a squiggle. Okay, apparently they’re either gay or gay supporters. You don’t have rainbows on your car for no reason. Then I noticed that they had one of those stick figure family decals below it. I glanced at it. Three kids. Two moms. Ugh. Lesbos. After that, I judged harshly. I have a couple of gay friends, who are guys. And I love them a lot. I just don’t understand lesbians. I mean, I can understand if a woman is physically, mentally, or sexually abused by a man and never wanted anything to do with men again. I get that. But I just, don’t understand how any woman would actually be turned on by a vagina. Like, there’s not a whole lot you can do with two vaginas. Sooo have fun with that.
The thing that annoyed me wasn’t that she was a lesbian though. The thing that annoyed me was that she had to show everyone that she was a lesbian. Look, we have two mom stick figures! Ugh who cares. The rainbow squiggle is enough for me. It was weird though because I pulled up behind her again on a different day, saw the squiggle and the two moms and rolled my eyes.
It’s been unseasonably warm all over the US, and parts of Canada. People are lovin’ it. What I’m not lovin’ is when people say that it’s global warming. Can’t we be done with pretending that global warming is a real thing? I love when it’s bitter cold and the global warming people are like, “well first it has to cool down in order for it to warm up.” Just no. It’s just weather doing it’s thing. If global warming was really happening, I’d be ecstatic because I wouldn’t ever have to be cold again. But alas, I’m still cold and Al Gore is still one of the dumbest people around.
As I was driving, I saw someone skateboarding along the crosswalk. A girl was skateboarding. This is a rarity. Girls shouldn’t skateboard. I say this because skateboarding is extremely hard and it’s something that I never learned how to do. I remember my brother got a skateboard when we were younger and I played around on it a bit. Every time I got both feet on, I immediately fell. And it hurts to fall on blacktop. Especially when you don’t have any cushion. Or junk in the trunk. Ugh I have a flat butt, okay? So flat that if I sit on anyone’s lap, my butt bones (medical term) grind into their thighs causing them to exclaim, “Oww get off me!” It does wonders for my self-esteem.
Lastly, I saw a guy driving a smart car. I don’t really care about cars. But if a guy, or a girl for that matter, consciously goes out and purchases a smart car, they deserve to be judged. In fact, they probably want to be judged. Just buy a normal car. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if he had a stick figure family on the back of his car with just one man because no one loves him.
Lily In Canada 
I still love Portia’s dress. So pretty!
Haha! Let the judging commence! I hate global warming people. They always have a reason for everything and it never makes sense. I like how everyone is all “Save the Polar Bears” but I’ve heard they’re actually over populated???What the…?
So confusing…
I love the pictures of polar bears on a single ice chunk in the middle of the ocean. “there’s no more ice for the polar bears” ugh there’s only ice!
Portia’s dress is so pretty. She and Ellen are a beautiful couple!
Right there with you on the Smart cars. I like to think of them as warm ups for the minivans I like to hit.
Yeah, if you drive a smart car, you’re pretty much tempting fate to kill you in a car accident. Not the smartest move…!
Funny how I understand gays (with my own beloved MaGay), but, lesbians just fall too easily into stereotypes. I know so many lesbian couples, and everyone calls them ‘the lesbians’–as if they are a different race.
The real story behind polar bears is based on who you talk to–much like everything else. Numbers are made to be manipulated, aren’t they?
More importantly, why do you know “so many” lesbian couples? Are you a lesbian Addie? Just come clean now.
No, but, I am going with MaGay to Greece next fall. Doesn’t that count?
I have to confess!!! YES!!! YES, I have the love which cannot be named!!!
(how realistic did that sound?)
Sheesh, Addie, you’re on the internet. Just google it – you’ll find plenty of names.
And pictures too!
You’re going to Greece? So you’re not agoraphobic any more? Ps. I’m really jealous/hate you.
I’ve committed to go to Greece. I am not there, yet. I suspect a full bottle of Xanax will be necessary. Actually, after the a gazillion days in the hospital, I don’t see going out as quite a bad a thing.
Hey, Missus!!! You attended college in England, went to Paris and Norway, you’re six feet tall and DDG. I’m going to Greece with a gay man (who will be trying to one up me in attracting anyone), I’m middle aged, and, although I have long legs (41″ from my hip!) I am not very tall.
What the hell–no one is ever jealous/hates me–wait, scratch the second half–so, feel free!!
I didn’t know Smart cars were sold in the US and Canada, I thought it was mainly here in Europe with our small roads.
I just don’t see how it would work. They would get swallowed up and eaten by the huge lanes and the SUVs.
They are utterly hideous as well. Any rainbow stickers would probably cover half the windscreen.
Yeah smart cars should probably only be sold in Europe, but for some reason Americans and Canadians want to be like you guys. And they most likely think it’s good for the environment. Ughh.
EG, I learned lonnnnnnnnng ago to avoid searching stuff online. I truthfully had no idea about the girls and the cup, and actually started squawking at my computer. I was so shocked, I had to pull the cord out of the wall since I couldn’t figure out how to use the keyboard.
That’s a fantastic story!
Well played, Addie. Well played.
You’re a bony one too? My friends rather not chose my shoulder as a pillow – same reason as your shoulder.
There is an explanation for cold winters due to global warming. I just don’t tell it so you can judge on.
Haha I won’t judge you…out loud. I’ll look it up and see what I can find. I should be better educated perhaps.
Only my butt is bony! I don’t know if my shoulder are, but being bony is so uncomfortable.
Now I re-read my comment, I see how chaotic it is. I meant ‘same reason as your butt’, but you probably figured that out already.
I’m not very sure if the explanation is right… But maybe it’s the key to everything.
You really hate women don’t you? I bet in a past life you were Mike Tyson.
I don’t mind lesbians. But I don’t like people telling me that their lifestyle is right and needs to be accepted. People like this dyke have this idea that she’s normal and unique. No, you’re not. You’re women. You’re odd yet still all the same. I take it you’re a Republican? It seems like everyone you hate here are liberal college kids. Don’t worry, they usually fall off balconies and die.
You will never see me naked. You’d completely crush any ego I have with your judgmental ways.
Hah glad I’ve thoroughly terrified you. I actually don’t judge people that I know and like as harshly as randoms that I will never see again. So don’t worry. You’re ego should be fine. For now.
I don’t hate women. I mean, I am one after all. They just make so many excuses and act like life is so unfair and stuff.
I’m not a republican per se, only because I don’t care about politics. But yeah, by the sounds of it, that’s where I’m headed. I just don’t like when people obsess over recycling, saving the world, and being accepting of everyone. It’s just like ughhhh. Am I the worst?
You’re not the worst. You simply hate college kids. I don’t blame you. I used to be very “left wing” and after listening to kids in fedoras and big bushy beards I realized they’re as crazy as the rest. I think you mostly hate people invading your space. Like recycling involves them telling you what to do. I guess you never liked Captain Planet either did you?
Totally agree. I was Wolverine for Halloween when I was 7 and my sister was Storm. They understood me but not her. Probably because she didn’t look much like Halle Berry. Why would anyone choose kids with rings over mutants?
Thanks for the compliments! You’re too kind. It’s the first fiction I’ve ever been able to complete. Even though the first chapter was supposed to be based on real events then I’d bring up old Little League stories blah blah blah nobody cares. But I appreciate the read!
I’ve seriously wanted to be a mutant my entire life. Seems like the best life. Lol about you’re sister going as Storm. I guess she’s more identifiable than Jean Grey or Jubilee. Your sister should have gone as Cyclops and called it a night.
Seriously, its a good read. It reminds me of a much more realistic/grown up Sandlot. Only because that’s the only baseball reference I know.
Never liked Captain Planet because he looked like Colossus from X-Men. And I always choose X-men over anyone else.
Yeah, I feel like all the complaining I do is making me come off as possibly the most annoying person ever. I wonder if I wasn’t me and read my blog if I would like it.
But yeah repubs and dems are both crazy.
I’m reading the first chapter to your book. You’re a really good writer! It just flows so well.
“Three kids. Two moms. Ugh. Lesbos.”
LOL!
I’ll have you know I’m a lesbo! At my old job there was this lesbo that worked there and you could tell why, because she was proper “ugh”. So was her bird. There used to be a lesbo that lived in the flat above my brother, she was this massive biker called “Carol”, more like Carl. Shaved head, bigger balls than me. I can’t understand why lesbians go for other lesbians that look like that, it’s just like being with a man, I mean I can tuck my beast between my legs if that gets women going.
Hah I’m so cruel.
Hahaha to Carol/Carl. I’m sure that would get a lot of women going. But yeah, if their with someone that’s super masculine, why don’t they just date a man. BURNING QUESTIONS.
I believe it’s my duty to stand up for my leslies. My Birthing Babies Club cohorts are a two-mom duo and about 1/4 of my friends are of the gay variety. They have it pretty rough – either hide what’s up or go forth and be strong about it. I say either way is totally fine with me. What about the straight fams that get to use the dumb stick figure bumper stickers? I am full of so much love for people that just want to find love.
Also, I have nominated you for one of three awards. Please do come by and see what you’ve won. It’s like a box of cracker jacks, with a fake award at the bottom! Congrats, blog friend!
http://illsleepwhentheyregrown.com/2012/02/02/belated-awards-lots-of-them/
Yeah, being gay would a challenge in today’s world. People shouldn’t have to choose between love and what other people think. I just hate when people have to tell the world about themselves on their bumper. It’s almost attention seeking in a way. But yeah, I probably should have worded it differently!
Thanks for the award hell! Too kind!
Lol sorry, jell. My auto correct called you hell! I swear it wasn’t me!
the hell it wasn’t!
Jk
I get ya, i don’t want to see people’s cross bumper stickers or tribal butterflies either. Joke bumper stickers are the best. I.e. my neighbor has been sticking some one the work truck. Mostly BBQ ones. The joke is that they’re just appearing. And that he’s thinking of us, but not putting it on our own cars to annoy us.
Haha yeah I love funny ones! That’s so cute. Sounds like a great neighbor! hah
It’s those damn magnetic ribbons on cars I despise.
SUPPORT OUR SOLDIERS
Yes, support the warrior even if you don’t believe in the war–and if you can’t find a better way than a faded yellow ribbon–or six–barely hanging on your car (oh! What hot GEICO guy could do with that–I imagine ‘ribbons’ flying off in a car wash), then STFU. I’m judging you people.
BURNING QUESTION: (You need to do a full blog of these!)
Why do people get transgendered, then, date the same sex? If you wanted to date a man, do you have to go through that, um, removal process??
“But I just, don’t understand how any woman would actually be turned on by a vagina. Like, there’s not a whole lot you can do with two vaginas. Sooo have fun with that.”
OMG – as the kids say – hilarious, Lily!
Hahah thanks Hook! I think you’re one of the only ones that wasn’t completely offended by that line! 😀
I don’t mind if women are turned on by vaginas. Men are turned on by vaginas after all, no? And there are people who get turned on by vegetables, kids and even feces. Weird stuff, man… I don’t think people get to choose what turns them on.
Good point. I don’t think they get to choose, I just find it weird when I really think about it. But everyone’s pretty weird when it comes own to it, huh? I watched a show about a guy who was turned on by balloons. That’s a new one!
Some people don’t get turned on at all, and they don’t like sex! Now that’s something to be concerned about 😦
Yeah thats always sad 😦 I think that would be a hard life situation!
Global warming is a bit of a misnomer, people should use climate change – more accurately describes what is going on.
Yeah, that would make more sense to me! Otherwise I just want it to be warm all the time! So disappointing!