I’m Not a Bitch, I’m Just American.

O brave new world that has such people in it!

Why must your people suck so much? A couple weekends ago I ventured out with two girlfriends on the weekend after New Year’s Eve. Needless to say most people were home, still recuperating after the previous week’s festivities. So there were slim pickins at the bar for my single friend who was extremely ready to mingle.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t belong somewhere? That’s literally how I feel whenever I enter a bar. Or a social scene. Or whenever I leave my house. Joking. But I do feel that way when I’m in a bar and forced to talk to men that are forcing themselves to talk to my friends and I. It’s such a strange social norm. Like, as men you’re expected to think of something to say to a semi attractive woman/group of women that will flatter them, make them laugh, or perhaps intrigue them. And as women we just have to sit there and wait for a dude/group of dudes to come up to us and start talking about something stupid and we literally have to sit there and entertain whatever BS they’re saying. It’s all so archaic, dont’cha think?

In an ideal world, women could cut to the chase and say some kind of regretful Simon Cowell-esque “sorry I’m not sorry” decline. It would save so much time. I hate that when women act disinterested, they come off as bitchy. Maybe she’s doing the man a favor by saving him time and energy he would’ve otherwise wasted trying to impress her. Just a thought.

I know I might sound harsh, but a couple of men sat with us at one point during the night and I think I would’ve been happier removing all my nails one by one, the way Joe Pesci threatens to do to Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. I literally did not get along with them at all. I was pleasant, but was dying a slow death inside.

At the next bar, a nice couple of guys came up to us. One could not stop telling stories about locking his fiancee on his patio in the dead of a Toronto winter for 7 hours. Husband material? The other one and I had some deep conversations about whether Heaven is for real (brought on by the mention of the movie), more movie talk, music, and entertainment. These were easy and fun topics for me to discuss. He was somewhat alarmed when I approached a guy wearing a jean jacket with nothing underneath buttoned up to his navel, paired with ripped jeans, vans, and greasy tousled hair. I told this man that I “really loved his look.” My friends were embarrassed of me as per usual and the guys we were talking to were puzzled. As I explained my simple actions, one of the bros commented, “You’re kind of a bitch.”

Perhaps. But that might just be my character. And in turn, that might just be me being me. So am I really? Or am I just kind of opinionated about movies and unashamed of handing out compliments to people with awesome style and aware of the time wasted talking to people I’ll never see again in my short existence. Maybe that makes me a bitch. Maybe I’m a little bit sharper around the edges than you soft, people-loving, easy going, talk-to-absolutely-anyone, sweet little Canadians. And that’s okay.

Girl Crush of the Week: Joanna Krupa

There’s really no explanation for my recent girl crush other than she’s a major babe. Like, her talents include modeling and being part of dramatic situations on Bravo’s Real Housewives of Miami. So there really isn’t much to say other than, nice looks.

However, I like to give people a bit of credit and assume they have more going for them than their outer appearances. Sometimes. Joanna Krupa is originally from Poland which definitely gives her a cool cultural factor, despite the fact that she only lived there until she was 5 years old. But perhaps this a good thing because now the world is aware of the beautiful gene pools that Poland has to offer.

Speaking of awareness, Ms. Krupa is a fierce animal lover and is a spokesperson for PETA (I believe. It’s good that I do my research.). I have to give her extreme props for this because animals are the best and anyone that defends the creatures of the world is a friend of mine.

Joanna has some skills in the dance department because she finished in fourth place on Dancing with the Stars. I think this speaks volumes about Joanna. She’s probably the type of person that’s almost good at a lot things but not quite good enough. She is good at spending money though. Luckily she married someone who owns and operates his own nightclub. And we all know that nightclubs in Miami are the big money makers. Joanna and her husband were able to spend $1 million on their wedding and feel totally okay about it so I would assume that nightclubs are the thing to go into.

Anyway I think she’s a super hottie and most likely a good person. People might not be able to take her seriously because of her blindingly good looks but I think she deserves a chance.

Analyzing Avril

If your eyes haven’t had the pleasure of watching Avril Lavigne’s new music video, “Hello Kitty”, you’re probably 84 years old and don’t own a computer. Or even know who Avril is. If that’s the case, would you be willing to trade lives with me?

The mistress of Nickelback has made the entire world cringe with her new song and “dance moves.” The song itself is kind of difficult to understand and not just because some of the lyrics are in Japanese. I’ve listened to the song twice now and all I call decipher are the words “Come come kitty kitty, you’re so pretty pretty.” The next poet laureate, perhaps?

I’d like to give Avril an ounce of credit and assume that someone else wrote this song for her and when she read the title, “Hello Kitty”, she was like, “Oh God. Really? Okay.” So maybe it’s not totally her fault. But I have to give her props for singing a song that makes “Sk8er Boi” sound like something performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

As for the music video, it’s painful to imagine that these are the BEST shots the director could get. Basically Avril dances around in cupcake tutus, blazers, and unflattering tights. She’s followed around by four identically dressed Japanese (I’m assuming) women who don’t look the least bit happy to be trailing this Canadian wannabe around all day. I imagine that the direction given to Avril on set was like “Okay can you just jump around or something? Maybe try to mouth the lyrics like you’re actually saying the words? Try to strum the guitar like you know how to play the guitar.” The beginning of the video seems like Avril is pretty into what she’s doing but by the end, it kind of falls apart. Her heart just isn’t in it. Which is probably a good thing.

If you care to ruin your life by watching this terrible POS, be my guest. CLICK HERE.

A Connection I Wish I’d Missed

I was walking aimlessly downtown around 3pm when I passed by my husband’s work. I asked him if he wanted to go for a quick coffee since the sky was blue and he probably wanted an excuse to leave the droning of his office. He came down and we went to this little place across the road called Street Level Espresso.

After walking in and ordering (one Americano for him, one Tea for Sad People for me) we sat down and smiled. It’s not everyday you get to share a sweet second during the busy work day. Our moment of bliss was cut short by an 84-year-old woman’s voice. I know her age because she said it 3 times out loud. I also know she worked in a factory for 50 years because she casually mentioned it thrice as well.

After Paul swallowed the rest of his drink to the sounds of this woman’s voice talking over the coffee machines, I told him it was fine to leave me. I’m usually the first to inhale food or drinks, but my tea was so hot I couldn’t gulp it. As he left, I readjusted myself so I was facing the bar of the shop instead of the back of the store. Just because I hate people doesn’t mean I have to look like I hate people.

The 84-year-old woman, Mary, gasped when she saw my feet. “I LOVE YOUR SHOES! THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL.”

My “beautiful” shoes.

“Ohh uhh, thanks. Yeah, they’re kinda fun.”

“I once bought a pair of sparkly shoes downtown for 150 dollars. They aren’t comfortable so I don’t know when I’ll ever wear them. I couldn’t wear them in the factory, that’s for sure!”

Come on tea, cool down. 

“Look at that picture of a chicken on the wall! Who would ever want that picture? For 100 dollars! Hmph!” She said, staring at it.

All of a sudden a taller man, Zeke, came into the shop whom Mary greeted with excitement.

Do they boil their tea with lava?

Mary kept on talking to Zeke while I burned my mouth numerous times, sacrificing my body in order to free my mind. When I finally finished, I rose and strode to the door. “It was nice meeting you.” I said.

“Oh, meet my friend!” She said, motioning to Zeke.

Oh come on.

“Hi, I’m Lily. Nice to meet you.” And I’ll probably never see you again ever. Why is your palm so sweaty?!

“Hi, Zeke.”

“I guess I’ll see you around. Mary, right?” I said.

“AHAHA YES!”

Congratulations on your first time being outside and interacting with people, Mary.

 

Bronies

A month or so ago my husband asked me if I knew what bronies were. I had no idea. He explained to me that bronies are guys who admittedly enjoy My Little Ponies. I know I’m gullible, but I was not about to be fooled by that obvious BS. “Look it up if you don’t believe me” he said. So I did. And he was right.

It’s laughable at first, and then when you give the idea more thought, it’s perplexing. What makes teenage boys and even grown men interested in a franchise that, for so many years, was aimed toward young girls? I’m pretty sure it comes down to entertainment value.

I was surprised to find out that these bronies were entranced by not only the toys, but also the show. The show My Little Pony didn’t amount to much when I was a young lass in the late 80’s and 90’s. Of course I had the toys, but the show came and went. Currently, My Little Pony is in it’s 4th generation reboot, which clearly illustrates character development, relatable story lines, and humor. An all around enjoyable show compared to earlier, weaker versions.

I understand being trapped in an adult body and taking pleasure in shows, movies, and even toys that are meant for children. (That’s why I’m such a great babysitter.)  In a youtube documentary about bronies, they quote Walt Disney who said, “You’re dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway.” I find this to be extremely true. There is a reason why Disney movies have so much success with all generations and genders. Everyone can enjoy them–they don’t single out a certain audience.

As I child I relished in entertainment and toys. I played every game, watched every show available to my eyes, and played with both my brother’s toys and my own. As we got older, my brother was interested in Pokemon, so I began to take an interest as well. I remember being twelve years old and thinking, “Okay I’m too old for this.” But I couldn’t help loving it. I get the same shameful feeling when I take a video games just as seriously now as I did when I was ten years old. It’s okay to stay youthful in the most innocent ways possible. I feel for these bronies.

During this day and age, the blue and pink lines that define “boy stuff” and “girl stuff” have been blurred slightly but not completely. I think mothers have taken notice of their children’s preferences and catered to them more, which is great to witness. I love seeing little boys with their toenails painted just like their sister’s. Colorful toes are attractive to all eyes, so why can’t colorful ponies be attractive to both genders?

It makes sense to me. Do you think it’s odd that My Little Pony has a broad fan base?

Oscar Noms

I was feeling super uninspired a couple of minutes ago until I read Katie’s post about the fashion choices at the Golden Globes. I was obviously really passionate about this topic because I wrote her a 100-or-so word comment sharing my thoughts and feelings. Then a little light bulb went off in my head–Hey the Academy Award Nominations have been posted! I can write about that! And everyone knows I’m extremely talented when it comes to talking about movies and judging celebs because that’s the topic I was Freshly Pressed for. See, I’m good for something. 

And that’s how I arrived at today’s post. And it’s going to be a lazy one. I’m going to filter through all of the nominees and determine which ones I would choose if I were single-handedly running the awards show. This is a really creative idea for a blog post, so no one steal this. It’s never been done before. I’m in awe of my innovative spirit.

Best Picture:

I would award Wolf of Wall Street best picture even though it’s probably not. The length really does it in for me. Did it really need to be 3 hours? No. Could a full hour have been cut out and make the film feel more concise? Defs. It was slightly indulgent on Scorsese’s part, but it was an entertaining show and a good story. Also I didn’t see 5 of the other movies up for the award soooo that kind of narrowed it down for me. Also, I just spelled Scorsese without looking it up.

Best Supporting Actress:

I’m glad JLaw got a Golden Globe because I will literally jump through my TV and pull a Kanye if she get’s another Oscar. Especially with the terrible NY accent she had in American Hustle. I think Sally Hawkins should win for her performance in Blue Jasmine. She was pretty great. However, I wouldn’t be upset if Lupita N’yongo won just because of the awesome red dress she sported at the GG’s. She has proven to be a person of worth.

Me, thinking of Jennifer Lawrence winning.

Best Supporting Actor:

I like all of these fine men (except maybe Barkhad Abdi because his teeth scare me–I’m sure he’s nice) but I think Bradley Cooper deserves an Oscar. Or Michael Fassbender. Or Jared Leto. Or Jonah Hill. Idk all of them? What if “Idk all of them?” was on the envelope for Best Supporting Actor? I would make a great Academy.

Best Lead Actress:

I think Cate Blanchett did a fantastic job in Blue Jasmine. Like, I’m not the biggest Woody Allen fan, but I thought the part of Jasmine was beautifully tragic and…I sound so dumb. I really liked Judi Dench’s character, Philomena, but I don’t think it required a lot from her. To be honest, I would be happy with either of these ladies.

Best Lead Actor:

Aww poor little Leo. He tried so hard. Give him an award already. Plus, I really don’t want to hear Matthew McConaughey’s voice again.

Best Director:

David O. Russell for American Hustle I guess. Purely because his movie rhymes with his name.

Best Animated Feature:

Frozen. It’s the only one I saw and the only one I needed to see. Do we really want a movie called The Croods being awarded with a golden statue?

Achievement in Cinematography:

This is bordering on “boring award” territory, but I loved the movie Prisoners and I think it deserves to win something. Since this is the only award it’s up for, I thought I would give it some love.

Adapted Screenplay:

Philomena gets my vote. Did you know that Steve Coogan was one of the main writers? It’s a lovely and heartbreaking story that I think everyone should watch.

Original Screenplay:

Okay, I didn’t really like Her that much (I thought it would be weird, but just weird enough where it was okay. It turned out to be I-forgot-how-gross-Joaquin-Phoenix-is weird.) but I applaud Spike Jonze’s creativity.

Who and what are your top picks for this year?

Prince George Gets Christened

A couple days ago Prince George finally made an appearance and was baptized. It’s a good thing too–who knows how many sins he’s been committing. I, for one, am glad that his infant soul has been saved.

Both families were out for this event to support George on his big day. The Prince wore a replica of the centuries old robe (the original is too fragile) which was a pretty boring choice. Can we do something new for once, royal fam? I’m all for tradition and stuff, but George is not gonna be pleased when he looks back on these pics and he’s dressed in a lace frock.

Maybe Kate could be the one to work on that because she’s known for her polished clothing choices. For her son’s Christening she wore an Alexander McQueen ensemble with a ruffle going down the front (so brave) which was similar in color to George’s gown. It was almost as if Kate’s outfit said, “I know this is George’s day, but let’s not forget about me.”

William just sat there smiling the entire time while the Queen was frowning the entire time. The Middletons just looked happy to still be relevant and Harry made an appearance because he had to. Overall it was a typical royal family event.

Prince George was beaming the entire time. He’s the only one who can truly use “#blessed” and have it actually mean something. He knows he got it good.

Men With Earrings

The other day I was in the movie theater with my friend getting ready to watch The Internship. I was trying to enjoy my Milk Duds and also wondering if my friend would move seats with me if the women behind us kept talking as loud as they were. When all of a sudden a really weird Mr. Clean commercial came on.

It showed Mr. Clean as an animated baby (he grew up on a farm–who knew?!) and his journey through life with his passion to clean. Like, are these really the advertisements that companies are paying for? And why do we even have commercials at the movie theater? I hate the world so much.

Anyway, I couldn’t help noticing Mr. Clean’s earring. Has he always had that piercing? I was alarmed that I never noticed it before. Would it be too extreme if the reason I don’t buy any Mr. Clean products in the future is because I feel uncomfortable with his look? Like, he had to consciously take a break from cleaning his family’s farm, go to Claire’s piercing studio in the mall and get a gold hoop earring. For some reason I can’t picture it.

It’s really convenient that his last name is something he loves to do.

Then I started thinking of other grown men who sport a single earring that I’ve lost all respect for. Off the top of my head I thought of Harrison Ford. I remember him being in a People Magazine spread with Calista Flockhart laying in the grass, looking awkward as hell. I remember my parents laughing at the couple and how malnourished Calista looked alongside Harrison who seemed to be going through some sort of midlife crisis. Hence the earring.

I also immediately thought of Bruce Jenner. Poor, sad, Bruce Jenner. I had lost respect for Bruce before I even knew that he was a respectable person. I mean, he’s the only one out of the Kardashian clan who has actual talent. That being said, he makes bad choices along with the rest of them, including but not limited to: plastic surgery, flying remote control helicopters, marrying Kris Kardashian-Jenner, wearing a single earring.

I think Bruce gets mixed signals though because I’m pretty sure Rob Kardashian wears an earring and so does Lamar Odom (his step son-in-law). But it’s different because Rob is young and Lamar is black so they can both look cool doing pretty much anything.

What are your thoughts about men with earrings?

You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown: A Review

Last Friday I went to a university production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, expecting a great performance. I had never seen the musical before, but my dad played Snoopy in his hay day which is super embarrassing but I figured that I would be in for a good show. I guess I forgot that I’m in Canada and people are bad at everything here.

I don’t know a lot about the performing arts, but I know when a show is bad and when a show is good. I know what over acting looks like and I know how to spot lazy props and backdrops. College students should be at the point where they don’t come off as annoying or pretentious thespians on stage. They need to be able to morph into a character. If you cannot do this simple task by the time you’re graduating college, there’s really no hope for you. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m not saying that I know everything about acting, but yes that’s exactly what I’m saying.

From the minute that I heard the actors fake voices, I knew it was going to be a long show. It just seemed so forced. The girl who played Charlie Brown’s sister, Sally, put on a voice that made me cringe. It wasn’t charming or funny at all. If I were her, I would’ve studied the old TV specials and mimicked the voices that they used. If that’s what this actress was trying to do, she failed miserably. She put on this high pitched, pinched nose voice which didn’t resemble that Sally that I know whatsoever. So congrats on being a terrible actress. She did have a good singing voice though. That was her redeeming factor.

Note to the costume designer: Sally does not have a full head of curly hair. She has poofy bangs and wears light blue, not bright pink. Good job on messing that up and distracting me. You’re fired.

The girl who played Lucy was a much better actress than anyone else there. That being said, her part didn’t require much. She also put on a weird voice, but not as awful as Sally’s. I don’t know if they had a meeting where they tried to teach the girls how to enunciate and taught them to get the audience’s attention by putting on crazy voices, but that’s what it seemed like. I could imagine them having a voice coach saying, “Very good, but try to be more annoying if possible.”

I’m going to include one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies because that’s what I’d like to think their voice coaching would be like. Bursting into choreographed dancing and everything.

The guy who played Schroeder was really good. He had good comedic timing. However, he wasn’t a big character and he didn’t have a lot to do. At least his outfit was identical to his character’s and his voice was normal. Snaps for Schroeder.

Peppermint Patty was fine. She was barely in the show at all. Why include her and not Marcie? It would’ve been cute to see Marcie and Patty’s young lesbo relationship. I do like the fact that Patty calls Charlie Brown “Chuck”. I just wanted Marcie to be around to address Patty as “Sir”.

Linus and Charlie Brown were below par. First of all, the guy playing Linus was chunky. Like, chunky in a way that you couldn’t look past it or focus on his character. Linus shouldn’t be chunky. He’s like 7 years old. In the show they said that they were 5 years old but I don’t believe that because they were writing book reports and no 5 year old can write their own name, let alone a book report.

Charlie Brown was okay but his vocals weren’t that good. He could’ve been stronger on that department. Other than that, he played Charlie Brown pretty well. He seemed terminally depressed, so he was either really into his character, or actually severely depressed.

Snoopy was probably the best part of the show. I guess they have to save their best actor for Snoopy because he has the best songs and has to balance on top of a dog house most of the time. Snoopy was definitely entertaining so I would give him two thumbs up…or two paws up! I don’t know…I hate myself.

The set design was actually pretty good. All the props looked exactly how they appeared on the show so I was happy that they got at least one thing right.

I guess I’m just used to living in the states where we spend lots of money on theater departments. Like, no joke my high school performances were better than this university production. Talent wise, costume wise, production quality and value wise. Whenever I say anything like this, my husband likes to point out that maybe that’s why the US has no money–because we spend it on dumb things. And maybe he’s right. But at least we have high quality entertainment.

 

A Day Out On The Town

I did something today that I haven’t done for a long time. I went shopping. I used to go every day, and now I go every other day. Just kidding. I actually hadn’t been for a while because I’m in this weird stage in my life where I try not to spend money. I know, gross.

When I was an avid shopper, it was easy to stay in my own little world and just focus on the clothes and myself. I was a little rusty today and kept observing other people and the ridiculous things that were being said by common folk.

The following are real quotes said by real people and my responses (if I actually had the guts to say them out loud) along with some of my inner thoughts and struggles.

At H&M

Girl shopping with her grandma: I like these dresses.

Grandma: Yes. Dresses are in this year.

Me: You know what else is in this year? Pants. And shirts. And clothes in general.

At Joe Fresh (I know, wtf?)

Employee: How are you doing today?

Me: Fine thanks. How are you?

Employee: I’m good, thanks! It’s kind of cold in here.

Me: Yeah you should probably quit.

At Forever 21

Me: Ughhh.

Me: This would be too small on me.

Me: This would be too short on me.

Me: This is too pink.

Me: This is…wait what is this?

At H&M

Mom with her daughter: Hey this would be cute! [holds up a sparkly black mini skirt]

Daughter: UGH not for festivals!

Me: Um you should listen to your mom, she knows what she’s talking about and could really fix your whole look. If you consider what you’re wearing “a look”.

At Forever 21

Me: I need these shoes.

Me: No.

Me: Yes I do.

Me: You need food, water and shelter.

Me: And these shoes.

Me: Then you have to throw out a pair at home to balance your life.

Me: When did I make that rule?

Me: Yeah wtf that rule sucks.

Me: Unlimited amount of shoes, right?

Me: Right.

Me: But then if I buy these I’ll have to wait in line and talk to someone.

Me: Unnecessary purchase.

At Joe Fresh

Me: Hi, do you have these in a darker denim?

Employee: Hmm no, I don’t think so. But we have them in red!

Me: Oh, okay. That’s the same.