Clinomania

I’ve decided to write about something a little lighter today. Yesterday’s post, though popular, seemed to rile some folks. Maybe it’s just my controversial nature, or maybe I just like pissing everyone off, regardless, I hope there are no hard feelings and that none of you hate me. I am woman, hear me roar. Right, guys? Right…?

Today I’ve decided to veer away from politics and talk about my diagnosis. I fear that I have clinomania which is an obsession with bed rest.

Yesterday I had remained in bed for most of the day, realizing at 4pm that I should probably run a brush through my hair. I’m a real charmer, I swear.

Bed is a real safe haven for me. Nothing bad can happen while I’m in bed. My whole life I’ve come home from school and went straight upstairs to do my homework in bed. Being sick was a dream because not only did it mean that I didn’t have to go to school, but it meant that I didn’t have to move. Being bedridden was a life goal.

Charlie Bucket’s family always seemed to have it made in my eyes. Four of his family members never left the bed! Ever! Granted, their bed was in the kitchen, but still. I always got a little mad at Grandpa Joe for leaving his perfect situation to go to the Chocolate Factory. Bed wins every time.

Perfect setup. Are Charlie and his mom making out?

Reading, an activity I try to do often, always takes place in bed. I tried to read sitting on the couch once and it just didn’t feel right.

Eating, much to my chagrin doesn’t often take place in bed, though, in my lowest of lows it has. I can’t tell you the number of times that I depressingly ate entire boxes of cereal in bed watching the Kardashian sisters yell at each other.

I had a habit in college of sitting, or just getting into other people’s beds. Some found it strange, others embraced my weirdness. But most found it strange.

If I am online, I am most likely in my bed as well. My laptop is right next to my bed, you know, in case of an emergency or something like that.

Do you like to be in bed as much as I do? Fellow clinomaniacs unite!

All That Glitters

For some reason the color gold as been present in my life a lot recently. So I figured I should make a tribute to some of my favorite golden things. Because honestly, what else do I really have to do?

Let’s start with gold makeup. I wear gold eyeshadow almost every time I wear makeup. The gold tends to really make my blue eyes pop. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. There’s a little beauty secret from me to you. I’m also a big fan of gold nail polish. For my 23rd birthday my mom sent me a couple of goodies in the mail and one of them was Chanel’s Gold Lamé nail polish. I know it’s pronounced la-may, but do you think that stops me from referring to it as Gold Lame?

Look how lame it is!

I’d have to say that one of my favorite childhood movie moments revolves around something gold as well. Remember how Veruca Salt wanted a goose that laid golden eggs in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? That whole scene was so perfect. Veruca’s prepubescent body, her dad, those huge spray painted eggs, etc. I love when she makes a mess of that room. I was always horrified as a child by that. Thinking, man if I did that my mom would kill me. I remember a while ago when I was asking my dad for something and I said, “But I want it!” and my brother was like, “Alright Veruca.” I did some life re-evaluating after that comment. Side note: you know what’s terrifying? Looking up the cast of Willy Wonka and seeing what they look like now. So depressing.

Hmm let’s see…what else? Oh, there was the gold bracelet that my grandpa got me with my name engraved on it. Except my name was spelled wrong. Minor detail.

One of my husband’s favorite places to eat is Golden Corral. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting a Golden Corral, but it’s definitely sight for sore eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if people actually strapped on feed bags and just ate for hours. If you like cheap buffets, you should definitely visit a GC. There was one that was opening by my grandma’s house and when it was still under construction the only letters you could see were “Golden Corr” or something of the like. My grandma was like, “Did you see that they’re building a Golden Carrot by me?”

Remember in the Olympics when the USA got the most gold medals and all the other countries were just dumb? Even though most of the people that got us our gold medals were so gross (Michael Phelps).

I’m having a lot of trouble choosing which song to display because I have three in mind: Band of Gold by Freda Payne, Golden Years by David Bowie, or Sister Golden Hair by America. I’m not the biggest fan of America. They’re too groovy. But I do like that song a lot. And I used to have golden hair. Band of Gold is good but it’s kind of depressing and I looked up a video of Freda Payne “singing” it on Soul Train and she looks like she doesn’t know the words. Okay, I don’t even know why I had to talk myself through this one. David Bowie is obviously the best. Does anyone remember in A Knight’s Tale where they dance to Golden Years? Nope? Just me? Okay. RIP Heath.

Analyzing Snow White and The Huntsman

Last night I saw Snow White and The Huntsman (or SWATH). It had the right amount of fairytale feeling, enough action to keep you going, and at least one of the Hemsworth brothers.

I would definitely recommend this movie. It had a Pan’s Labyrinth kind of feel to it which I really liked. The acting was well done. Kristen Stewart was likable which is a large feat for her. I was a bit distracted by her mouth because she’s what I like to call, long in the tooth. But besides that, she was really good. The storyline is a clever and realistic take on the well-known fairy tale. Throughout the movie I was semi distracted during certain scenes. Here are some of my observations.

At the beginning of the movie it’s obvious that Snow White’s mother, Queen Eleanor, loves her. Snow White is a happy child and is a kind person with a good heart. In fact, her mother tells her how beautiful her heart is and touches her daughter’s chest. I would’ve been like, “Umm mom? Can you not touch my prepubescent boobs? I know where my heart is. Thanks.”

Charlize Theron plays Ravenna, the evil queen that takes over Snow White’s father’s kingdom. I’m guessing she’s named after the ravens that she randomly morphs into during the film. Don’t even try to tell me that no birds were harmed in the making of this movie because there was some cray cray bird shite going on. I’m sorry but I was seriously waiting for Charlize to start strutting around the room and then look into the camera and say “J’adore Dior” and then go back to being Ravenna. I, for one, would’ve appreciated it.

One thing that you learn in the movie is that England during the 14th century is basically a world of mud. Like, mud is everywhere. Everyone is covered in it. All of the character’s fingernails are dirty, even the Queen had grungy nails. So let me get this straight. You can turn yourself into a flock of birds but you can’t clean your nails? Priorities, Ravenna. J’adore Dior!

The Seven Dwarves made me nauseous more than anything. All of their teeth were rotten and each and every one of them looked smelly. None of them had loveable characteristics like the ones from the Disney classic. Except one dwarf was blind. That’s kind of cute, right? I kept thinking that one of them really looked like Nick Frost. Turns out it was Nick Frost. Couldn’t they get actual dwarves?  If they could do it with hundreds fourteen Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, surely the makers of SWATH could find at least 7 real dwarves. Note: Do dwarves really exist or should I be referring to them as little people?

There were also a lot of conveniences in the movie. After Snow White escaped from the castle, there was a white horse just chillin on the beach. Hmm that’s handy. The team that’s tracking Snow White picks up her tracks pretty easily by smelling the ground and the trees, etc. Like, don’t pretend for a minute that humans have an innate sense of smell. There’s no way you could smell anyone by sniffing some dirt. Also, when Snow White’s in battle, she and her army are pelted by arrows and she’s unharmed the entire time. There’s literally a shower of arrows and not one hits you? How is she all of a sudden the best knight around?

Did pony tails even exist back then?

And lastly, Ravenna’s relationship with her brother is a weird one at best. Her albino brother, Finn, is basically her slave. He does whatever he’s told and helps her rule the kingdom ruthlessly. I find this slightly unbelievable since my brother will barely even fetch me a can of soda. Their relationship is taken to a new level of creepy when Finn watches her take a random milk/paint/wax bath.

J’adore……

Hopefully this doesn’t stray you from seeing the movie. It’s actually very entertaining and beautifully done. I’m just unable to fully appreciate something until I make fun of it.