Analyzing Snow White and The Huntsman

Last night I saw Snow White and The Huntsman (or SWATH). It had the right amount of fairytale feeling, enough action to keep you going, and at least one of the Hemsworth brothers.

I would definitely recommend this movie. It had a Pan’s Labyrinth kind of feel to it which I really liked. The acting was well done. Kristen Stewart was likable which is a large feat for her. I was a bit distracted by her mouth because she’s what I like to call, long in the tooth. But besides that, she was really good. The storyline is a clever and realistic take on the well-known fairy tale. Throughout the movie I was semi distracted during certain scenes. Here are some of my observations.

At the beginning of the movie it’s obvious that Snow White’s mother, Queen Eleanor, loves her. Snow White is a happy child and is a kind person with a good heart. In fact, her mother tells her how beautiful her heart is and touches her daughter’s chest. I would’ve been like, “Umm mom? Can you not touch my prepubescent boobs? I know where my heart is. Thanks.”

Charlize Theron plays Ravenna, the evil queen that takes over Snow White’s father’s kingdom. I’m guessing she’s named after the ravens that she randomly morphs into during the film. Don’t even try to tell me that no birds were harmed in the making of this movie because there was some cray cray bird shite going on. I’m sorry but I was seriously waiting for Charlize to start strutting around the room and then look into the camera and say “J’adore Dior” and then go back to being Ravenna. I, for one, would’ve appreciated it.

One thing that you learn in the movie is that England during the 14th century is basically a world of mud. Like, mud is everywhere. Everyone is covered in it. All of the character’s fingernails are dirty, even the Queen had grungy nails. So let me get this straight. You can turn yourself into a flock of birds but you can’t clean your nails? Priorities, Ravenna. J’adore Dior!

The Seven Dwarves made me nauseous more than anything. All of their teeth were rotten and each and every one of them looked smelly. None of them had loveable characteristics like the ones from the Disney classic. Except one dwarf was blind. That’s kind of cute, right? I kept thinking that one of them really looked like Nick Frost. Turns out it was Nick Frost. Couldn’t they get actual dwarves?  If they could do it with hundreds fourteen Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, surely the makers of SWATH could find at least 7 real dwarves. Note: Do dwarves really exist or should I be referring to them as little people?

There were also a lot of conveniences in the movie. After Snow White escaped from the castle, there was a white horse just chillin on the beach. Hmm that’s handy. The team that’s tracking Snow White picks up her tracks pretty easily by smelling the ground and the trees, etc. Like, don’t pretend for a minute that humans have an innate sense of smell. There’s no way you could smell anyone by sniffing some dirt. Also, when Snow White’s in battle, she and her army are pelted by arrows and she’s unharmed the entire time. There’s literally a shower of arrows and not one hits you? How is she all of a sudden the best knight around?

Did pony tails even exist back then?

And lastly, Ravenna’s relationship with her brother is a weird one at best. Her albino brother, Finn, is basically her slave. He does whatever he’s told and helps her rule the kingdom ruthlessly. I find this slightly unbelievable since my brother will barely even fetch me a can of soda. Their relationship is taken to a new level of creepy when Finn watches her take a random milk/paint/wax bath.

J’adore……

Hopefully this doesn’t stray you from seeing the movie. It’s actually very entertaining and beautifully done. I’m just unable to fully appreciate something until I make fun of it.

People Named Lily Who Aren’t As Cool As Me

The title of this post pretty much says it all. The name Lily is becoming more and more popular which means that there are more and more people making a disgrace of what it means to be a Lily. Let’s explore some people who have been blessed with a beautiful name, but have tarnished it in one way or another.

Lily Allen. I don’t mind Lily Allen as much as one would assume. I definitely think she could look cuter–she’s been in fashion police one too many times for a fellow Lily. Her dad is a musician so it’s safe to assume that she played the nepotism card. I don’t disapprove of this as much as I do of her fake accent. She puts on a bit of a rougher East End accent which is unfortunate. Don’t dumb yourself down! Her lyrics and melodies are fun, but she hasn’t won a Grammy so it’s impossible for me to be fully proud of her. She did win a Download Music Award though. Whatever that means.

The one and only good picture of her.

Lily Collins. Daughter of yep…Phil Collins. Okay I think Lily Collins is really pretty. She has crazy eyebrows which I’m kind of jealous of. But then I remember that her dad is Phil Collins and I’m like okay ew. She’s starting to embrace a career in acting. You might remember her as the daughter in The Blind Side. Remember how her name was Collins in the movie? It all makes sense now! She was also in that really bad movie with Taylor Lautner called Abduction that no one had to see in order to know that it was really bad. Now she’s playing Snow White in Mirror Mirror, not to be confused with the similar film Snow White and the Huntsman. Despite Mirror Mirror adding even less credibility to her resume than Abduction, I’d rather accept her into the Lily club than the lead in Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen “I look like I’m going to barf” Stewart.

Those brows!

Lily-Rose Melody Depp. Yes, Johnny Depp’s daughter. Lily-Rose literally has no accomplishments. She’s a girl after my own heart, really. Johnny Depp is the only one that adds any credit to her existence. It’s possible that she’ll grow up being exclusively in Tim Burton films and having a huge gap-toothed smile like her mom, Vanessa Paradis.

Lily Tomlin. What Lily Tomlin lacks in good looks, she definitely makes up for in talent and humor. At least she’s been in roles that are recognizable! She’s been in almost every TV show from Frasier to Sesame Street to Desperate Housewives. My only problem with this is that she seems kind of desperate. Slow down crazy, slow down! You’re old so you don’t really need money or things any more so why don’t you just relax and chill out?

And for the love of all that is holy, get a makeover.

Lily Cole. She’s a model/actor. She could have won one of those Slashie awards in Zoolander! She’s got a really unique face, but she ruins it by being a super ginger. BUT she’s 5′ 10 so she’s definitely helping the tall Lily population. Lily Cole goes to Cambridge, so she’s like, really smart. BUT she posed nude in Playboy. She’s only been in one really big movie which was The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. As much time as it takes to figure out how to pronounce the title, is about the same length as the movie itself–3 hours. You also feel like you’re on Ecstasy the whole time. And Heath Ledger killed himself during the making of the movie because he hated it so much. True story.

Honorable Mention: Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother. I know that Lily Aldrin isn’t a real person, but she’s doing a lot of harm to the name Lily. The character is played by Alyson “no lips” Hannigan. Another ginger. I like that in the show she’s married to Jason Segel’s character Marshall. Unfortunately, during her college years she was goth–dyed black hair and all. She’s just a really weird character and she never has any good lines. At least none that I can remember since the last time I watched it in 2009.

Is there any celebrity that shares your name that really disrespects everything your name stands for?