Men With Earrings

The other day I was in the movie theater with my friend getting ready to watch The Internship. I was trying to enjoy my Milk Duds and also wondering if my friend would move seats with me if the women behind us kept talking as loud as they were. When all of a sudden a really weird Mr. Clean commercial came on.

It showed Mr. Clean as an animated baby (he grew up on a farm–who knew?!) and his journey through life with his passion to clean. Like, are these really the advertisements that companies are paying for? And why do we even have commercials at the movie theater? I hate the world so much.

Anyway, I couldn’t help noticing Mr. Clean’s earring. Has he always had that piercing? I was alarmed that I never noticed it before. Would it be too extreme if the reason I don’t buy any Mr. Clean products in the future is because I feel uncomfortable with his look? Like, he had to consciously take a break from cleaning his family’s farm, go to Claire’s piercing studio in the mall and get a gold hoop earring. For some reason I can’t picture it.

It’s really convenient that his last name is something he loves to do.

Then I started thinking of other grown men who sport a single earring that I’ve lost all respect for. Off the top of my head I thought of Harrison Ford. I remember him being in a People Magazine spread with Calista Flockhart laying in the grass, looking awkward as hell. I remember my parents laughing at the couple and how malnourished Calista looked alongside Harrison who seemed to be going through some sort of midlife crisis. Hence the earring.

I also immediately thought of Bruce Jenner. Poor, sad, Bruce Jenner. I had lost respect for Bruce before I even knew that he was a respectable person. I mean, he’s the only one out of the Kardashian clan who has actual talent. That being said, he makes bad choices along with the rest of them, including but not limited to: plastic surgery, flying remote control helicopters, marrying Kris Kardashian-Jenner, wearing a single earring.

I think Bruce gets mixed signals though because I’m pretty sure Rob Kardashian wears an earring and so does Lamar Odom (his step son-in-law). But it’s different because Rob is young and Lamar is black so they can both look cool doing pretty much anything.

What are your thoughts about men with earrings?

Clinomania

I’ve decided to write about something a little lighter today. Yesterday’s post, though popular, seemed to rile some folks. Maybe it’s just my controversial nature, or maybe I just like pissing everyone off, regardless, I hope there are no hard feelings and that none of you hate me. I am woman, hear me roar. Right, guys? Right…?

Today I’ve decided to veer away from politics and talk about my diagnosis. I fear that I have clinomania which is an obsession with bed rest.

Yesterday I had remained in bed for most of the day, realizing at 4pm that I should probably run a brush through my hair. I’m a real charmer, I swear.

Bed is a real safe haven for me. Nothing bad can happen while I’m in bed. My whole life I’ve come home from school and went straight upstairs to do my homework in bed. Being sick was a dream because not only did it mean that I didn’t have to go to school, but it meant that I didn’t have to move. Being bedridden was a life goal.

Charlie Bucket’s family always seemed to have it made in my eyes. Four of his family members never left the bed! Ever! Granted, their bed was in the kitchen, but still. I always got a little mad at Grandpa Joe for leaving his perfect situation to go to the Chocolate Factory. Bed wins every time.

Perfect setup. Are Charlie and his mom making out?

Reading, an activity I try to do often, always takes place in bed. I tried to read sitting on the couch once and it just didn’t feel right.

Eating, much to my chagrin doesn’t often take place in bed, though, in my lowest of lows it has. I can’t tell you the number of times that I depressingly ate entire boxes of cereal in bed watching the Kardashian sisters yell at each other.

I had a habit in college of sitting, or just getting into other people’s beds. Some found it strange, others embraced my weirdness. But most found it strange.

If I am online, I am most likely in my bed as well. My laptop is right next to my bed, you know, in case of an emergency or something like that.

Do you like to be in bed as much as I do? Fellow clinomaniacs unite!

Dear Canada, You’re Really Gross

Last March, Canada’s government legalized brothels “in an attempt to make prostitution less dangerous for those employed as sex workers.” Isn’t prostitution supposed to be dangerous? Isn’t that the risk you take by becoming a prostitute? Plus, brothels are so 1700’s.

The legalization of brothels and pimping only pertains to Ontario. Are Ontarians on crazy pills? Why would you allow this to be okay? People selling their bodies for money is so gross. And sad. Shouldn’t we discourage this from happening? But who knows, maybe it will make prostitution into a fun thing, like Pretty Woman tried to do. Julia Roberts isn’t even pretty. That movie is misleading in more ways than one. A more realistic ending would’ve included Richard Gere finding out that he has gonorrhea and kicking Julia to the curb.

Your tub has every STD now.

On April 25, prostitutes will be able to hire body guards since life is so dangerous for them. Body guards aren’t going to stop you from getting AIDS. But do whatever you feel, crazies. Really though, who needs a body guard besides Whitney Houston and the Kardashians? Even then, no one protected Kim from getting flour-bombed. And no one protected Whitney from marrying Bobby Brown and getting super drugged up and cray. RIP Whit Whit.

The person that did this is my favorite.

Oh whew! Don’t worry guys, propositioning clients in public will still be illegal. That means they can’t come up to your car and say “Hey, want some sex?” That’s what they say, right? I wonder if brothels are going to put up signs and advertisements and stuff. I don’t think that’s illegal. Will they be able to set up camp in a house? Or can they actually buy storefront property? What would be a good name for a brothel? Lot’s O’ Sex? Hmmm I don’t know. If a brothel was set up in Victoria, I know for sure it would be called The Velvet Crease. That’s already the name of a store here–it paints a vivid picture, don’tcha think?

All in all, this is gross. I really can’t believe I wrote about it for this long. If you’re thinking of moving to Ontario, you might want to invest in a chastity belt.

Schadenfreude

No, I didn’t just make up that word. But I think the person that did was my soul mate. Schadenfreude is a German word meaning pleasure derived in the misfortune of others. I have this. This would be my diagnosis from most doctors. And then they would kick me out of their office and tell me that I’m going to hell in every religion.

To be clear, I don’t like when bad things happen to good people. Well, not to confuse anyone, but I don’t think there’s such thing as good and bad people. I think everyone is a good person. But I think life choices and circumstances make good people do bad things. Lot’s of bad things happen to undeserving people. But such is life. We should take those bad things and use them to make ourselves stronger, not to use them as a handicap or a “woe is me” excuse.

One time when I was flying to London, I sat next to a guy on the airplane who was in a wheel chair. We started talking and he mentioned about how he hadn’t always been in a wheel chair. Being the nosy biatch that I am, I inquired more. He told me that he was riding his motorcycle and that he got in an accident on the highway. He used to run marathons. He was so kind and had such a good outlook on life. He still competes in marathons, but now he wheels instead of runs. He was actually going to race in the London marathon. As cheesy as this sounds, he made me want to be a better person.

But I’m not. Moving on…

Karma is my favorite thing. I’m a fan of both bad karma and good karma. I know that life isn’t fair, but I like to think that justice is always served and that good deeds always get rewarded. Is there a place where that happens? Because I want to move there.

I can’t help but laugh when someone’s being super annoying and then they trip and fall when they walk away. This happens to Kim Kardashian A LOT.  That’s instant karma. And it’s gonna get you. John Lennon clearly only writes about pressing issues. Like being a walrus.

Why is Yoko blindly knitting in the background of the Instant Karma video? She's the devil.

Good karma is all fine and dandy, but bad karma is much more entertaining. I remember in 7th grade I left my Hello Kitty wallet in an Abercrombie and Fitch dressing room. Looking back, this was a horrible situation. Why did I think I could pass as an Asian girl by owning anything Hello Kitty, and believing that I could fit into Abercrombie and Fitch?  When I went back to get it, all of my money had been stolen, including a gift card to Target. But they clearly had good taste and left my wallet behind. My mom told me that the person that stole my money would end up having bad karma. That made me feel good.

Wait…what if my money being stolen was my own bad karma from doing something bad. Brb–re-evaluating my life.