Gym Rats

I’m not taking about people who are at the gym all the time chiseling their bods. I’m talking about people who are at the gym that actually look like rats. By now you all know that I love observing, people watching, judging, whatever you wanna call it. The gym is an awesome place to do this. However, you run the risk of being judged yourself because you’re most likely sweaty and/or dead from doing the StairMaster for 15 minutes.

Now that I think about it, the StairMaster is the greatest machine to workout on if your into people watching, like myself. It’s almost like your on a tower, high above the rest of the common gym folk. Most of my spying happens whilst climbing 61 flights of stairs.

One day, a yoga class had just finished and as the people emptied out of the room, they were all carrying their mats and their shoes. They paraded across the room in their bare feet. Is that really necessary? I don’t want to see your sweaty feet during my workout. How hard is it to put shoes on? I’m pretty sure yoga isn’t the most grueling of workouts (unless it’s hot yoga, in which case God bless your soul).

Ew put those away, you psychos.

Later in the day this guy was working out on the elliptical in front of me. I don’t know what kind of look he was going for, but it wasn’t cute. I’m going to start at the top and work my way down. He had jet black greased back hair that went back to his neck. I don’t know what was holding his hair in place–grease, hair gel, sweat?–but not one hair was out of place. He had on a black wife-beater TUCKED into a bathing suit. If there’s one thing that’s super unattractive, it’s men working out in swim trunks. Ew okay I hate saying swim trunks. A bathing suit. Like, why? What is the reasoning? You can literally buy running shorts anywhere! Go to Wal-Mart.

It gets even worse though. He was wearing black socks pulled up to the middle of his calf and black boots that looked like they had a bit of a heel. That’s your outfit to workout in? That’s what you choose? After he picked his wedgie right in front of me, I decided to stop observing because there’s not much else to see after that.

Right up there.

On a completely different day, I was running on the treadmill, minding my on business when I see this very large man. He’s wearing a bright red shirt with a maple leaf on it, tucked into dress shorts (I don’t know how to describe them–like nicer khaki shorts?) with suspenders. He gets on the machine next to me, and I’m just chillin’ listening to my tunes when I almost jump off of my machine. He made the loudest, HEYYYYHOOHOOO noise when he saw two of his buddies. He bellowed. There is really no other word to describe what he did. Everyone in the gym was staring at him as he hugged his friends, drenching them in his sweat. At this point I was glancing around the room to make sure my friend saw what I was seeing. She did. We were frightened.

His friend got on the treadmill on the other side of me and the proceeded to talk across me as I was trying to run. I punched my emergency stop button and got off the machine. The YMCA is a great place to work out if you can dodge the creeps. Looking back, I should have taken the spray bottle that’s used to clean the machines and just sprayed both of them. Next time….next time.

YMCA

The leather-clad handlebar moustache man is going to haunt my dreams.

Paul and I just joined the YMCA. It’s in an older building so it gives off a slightly ghetto impression, but the equipment is new and they offer a lot of classes so whatever. We worked out this morning successfully and now Paul is going to play squash with a friend. Wtf is squash anyway? More importantly, why is he working out twice today? Psycho.

They refer to the gym here as the YMCA/YWCA. I’ve never heard anyone say “I’m gonna head over to the YWCA.” Why do they have to include women? Why does anyone care that much? Burning questions.

I guess 10 years ago the gym took a vote whether or not to install hot tubs in both the men and women’s locker rooms. The women said they didn’t want one. THANKS A LOT LADIES.

Working out next to random people is so weird. Oh hi, I’m gonna stand next to you and run faster than you and sometimes look over to see if you are paying attention to how great I am at working out. Go away please.

In other news, I literally saw an 80 year old woman doing the rowing machine. She’s probably an X-men. X-man? A mutant.

You know the YMCA song that they play at school dances and bar mitzvahs? I’m pretty sure the Village People had never been to a YMCA because they make it sound like the best thing ever. “There’s a place you can go when you’re short on your dough.” Not true. The YMCA costs “dough”. And you can’t stay there. I’m sure you could in the 70’s or whatever, but now they’ll kick you out at 10pm. That’s no fun.

“They have everything for you there to enjoy you can hang out with all the boys.” They have everything? Do they have a petting zoo? Do they have a roller coaster? Do they have a pizza buffet? I didn’t think so. How old are “all the boys”? I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of 7 year olds and I definitely don’t want to hang out with a bunch of 40 year old men that refer to themselves as boys. *shudder*

“You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel.” Getting yourself clean is probably the only thing that 70’s YMCA’s have in common with the YMCA’s of today. No “good meals” are ever offered. Unless you consider water a good meal. I can do whatever I feel? I can kick everyone out and have my own personal gym? I don’t think so little black police officer. I don’t think so.

Who do you think is the scariest Village Person?