Harold and Maude 2.0

Okay this is a really weird idea that I thought of while watching Small Time Crooks. This is how my brain works, for real. You should feel bad for me.

I propose that Woody Allen and I produce a remake of Harold and Maude where I play the Harold character and he plays the Maude character. There wouldn’t be any cross dressing, just reverse roles. Maybe Harriett and Milton or something like that. This idea is still fresh–I clearly haven’t worked out all the details yet.

I think the casting would be pretty perfect. For those of you who haven’t see Harold and Maude, stop reading my ramblings and go watch it already. Too bad Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore. Renting movies is one of the best things ever. Netflix is so dumb and Redbox is literally the worst thing ever. The selection is always like: Three Alvin and the Chipmunks movies, The Raven (you know that really bad mystery where John Cusack played Edgar Allen Poe? No? You don’t recall that gem?), like five movies no one has ever heard of, and Magic Mike. I wish I was kidding.

Anyway, the actor who plays Harold, Bud Cort, didn’t really do anything with the rest of his career besides a cameo in Arrested Development. I feel like I was the only person who appreciated his cameo since no one else really knows who he is. Except perhaps the people that cast him in the show. I feel like I could do that. Star in one really good movie and then do nothing else. I’m not saying that my Harold and Maude remake would be really good, but yes that’s exactly what I’m saying.

*Just looked it up and Bud Cort has actually done a lot with his career. Just nothing as good as Harold and Maude. Sorry Bud.

Harold is a twenty-something man child who has been given everything in life. He is hapless and expresses his emotions by nearly executing his own suicide daily. He doesn’t have much to say. He likes to go to funerals. And he also drives a hearse. I feel like I could be him. The part of Harold doesn’t involve a lot of acting skills. All I would have to do is perfect my “I’m miserable” face which I luckily have already perfected.

I think the tricky part would be getting Woody Allen to not only agree to the part of Maude, but to also tone down his Jewishness. He would probably agree to the part because it would involve a young lady falling in love with him. He tends to pick roles where pretty girls that are totally out of his league fall for him. I wonder why?

Maude’s character is 79 years old and is the complete opposite of Harold. She doesn’t have much, but she is grateful for everything she’s been given. She lives life to the fullest and sees the beauty in everything. She steals cars, saves nature, and also enjoys a good funeral. A match made in heaven, really.

Another bonus to the movie is that the entire soundtrack is compiled of Cat Stevens songs. Cat Stevens A.K.A. Yusuf Islam is a musical genius. He would definitely agree to the remake of Harold and Maude. To be perfectly honest, his music made the movie what it is.

Fall Daze

After reading mean comments on my posts:

Me, witnessing all of the university student’s costumes:

Whenever I upset people:

If I’m forced to leave the apartment:

My thoughts on Halloween:

If I invite someone to come to church with me and they say no:

When some parking attendant told me I couldn’t park in the lot that I wanted to:

When everyone around me is drunk-edy drunk:

If someone isn’t madly in love with me for one reason or another:

Whenever someone needs a favor:

What’s In A Name?

A little bird (aka the internet) just told me that rap legend (I’m using the term legend super loosely these days) Snoop Dogg is making some changes. He’s changing the genre of his music from rap to reggae as well as his image. Basically just picture Snoop Dogg in a rasta hat with sunglasses. The most important change is his name. Snoop Dogg has changed his stage name (surprising right? I thought that was his birth name too…) to Snoop Lion. Just let that sink in for a minute. Say it out loud if you have to. It took me a while to get used to it, but it took me a while to get used to Snoop Dogg too. A while = my entire life.

Snoop Lion’s new image.

I’m probably just bitter because my official rap name would be Lil’ Lil and well…yeah. Can’t really do anything with that one. The thing I don’t understand is how people change their names. Like, your name is what people know you by. It’s what YOU know you by. I’m all for nicknames. Nicknames are fun and cool. But changing how people know you is just too weird.

I know a couple of people who have changed their names. Actually, one of them changed their name to Lily. This the effect I have on people. They just want to be me. I’m joking of course. But seriously.

How can people in the media change their names? Remember Puff Daddy? Of course you don’t. He changed his name to Puffy, then P.Diddy, then Diddy. Who knows what he’s called now. Guy with tons of money? Guy that once dated JLO? That reminds me–JLO, you slut. You changed your name too! Well, kinda. JLO is more of a nickname. But still. Just be Jennifer Lopez. Okay, I’ll level with you, Jennifer is a super boring name. No offense to anyone else named Jennifer. But tons of offense to the person that named you Jennifer.

Epitome of class.

Countless celebrities have changed their names. I guess to make it easier on us common folk. For example, Woody Allen sounds way better than Allen Konigsberg. Well, it sounds less Jewish at least. I don’t understand why celebs change their names to something super weird though. Like Whoopi Goldberg. Really? That’s the name you choose for yourself? Her birth name was Caryn Johnson. Super normal. Except for the fact that Caryn is spelled like a third grader tried to sound it out, but whatevs.

Two musicians whose name changes I allow and fully embrace are Farrokh Bulsara (Freddy Mercury) and Reginald Dwight (Elton John). Good choices on the stage names. For what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure Farrokh Bulsara translates to “best voice ever”. And Reginald Dwight translates to “huge gap tooth”.