Movies, Music, TV

People Named Lily Who Aren’t As Cool As Me

The title of this post pretty much says it all. The name Lily is becoming more and more popular which means that there are more and more people making a disgrace of what it means to be a Lily. Let’s explore some people who have been blessed with a beautiful name, but have tarnished it in one way or another.

Lily Allen. I don’t mind Lily Allen as much as one would assume. I definitely think she could look cuter–she’s been in fashion police one too many times for a fellow Lily. Her dad is a musician so it’s safe to assume that she played the nepotism card. I don’t disapprove of this as much as I do of her fake accent. She puts on a bit of a rougher East End accent which is unfortunate. Don’t dumb yourself down! Her lyrics and melodies are fun, but she hasn’t won a Grammy so it’s impossible for me to be fully proud of her. She did win a Download Music Award though. Whatever that means.

The one and only good picture of her.

Lily Collins. Daughter of yep…Phil Collins. Okay I think Lily Collins is really pretty. She has crazy eyebrows which I’m kind of jealous of. But then I remember that her dad is Phil Collins and I’m like okay ew. She’s starting to embrace a career in acting. You might remember her as the daughter in The Blind Side. Remember how her name was Collins in the movie? It all makes sense now! She was also in that really bad movie with Taylor Lautner called Abduction that no one had to see in order to know that it was really bad. Now she’s playing Snow White in Mirror Mirror, not to be confused with the similar film Snow White and the Huntsman. Despite Mirror Mirror adding even less credibility to her resume than Abduction, I’d rather accept her into the Lily club than the lead in Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen “I look like I’m going to barf” Stewart.

Those brows!

Lily-Rose Melody Depp. Yes, Johnny Depp’s daughter. Lily-Rose literally has no accomplishments. She’s a girl after my own heart, really. Johnny Depp is the only one that adds any credit to her existence. It’s possible that she’ll grow up being exclusively in Tim Burton films and having a huge gap-toothed smile like her mom, Vanessa Paradis.

Lily Tomlin. What Lily Tomlin lacks in good looks, she definitely makes up for in talent and humor. At least she’s been in roles that are recognizable! She’s been in almost every TV show from Frasier to Sesame Street to Desperate Housewives. My only problem with this is that she seems kind of desperate. Slow down crazy, slow down! You’re old so you don’t really need money or things any more so why don’t you just relax and chill out?

And for the love of all that is holy, get a makeover.

Lily Cole. She’s a model/actor. She could have won one of those Slashie awards in Zoolander! She’s got a really unique face, but she ruins it by being a super ginger. BUT she’s 5′ 10 so she’s definitely helping the tall Lily population. Lily Cole goes to Cambridge, so she’s like, really smart. BUT she posed nude in Playboy. She’s only been in one really big movie which was The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. As much time as it takes to figure out how to pronounce the title, is about the same length as the movie itself–3 hours. You also feel like you’re on Ecstasy the whole time. And Heath Ledger killed himself during the making of the movie because he hated it so much. True story.

Honorable Mention: Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother. I know that Lily Aldrin isn’t a real person, but she’s doing a lot of harm to the name Lily. The character is played by Alyson “no lips” Hannigan. Another ginger. I like that in the show she’s married to Jason Segel’s character Marshall. Unfortunately, during her college years she was goth–dyed black hair and all. She’s just a really weird character and she never has any good lines. At least none that I can remember since the last time I watched it in 2009.

Is there any celebrity that shares your name that really disrespects everything your name stands for?

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Feelings

Scary Children’s Stories

My parents introduced me to some weird stuff when I was younger. I love being able to bond with other people from my generation about TV shows, games, and movies that were popular when I was growing up. However, I  have a handful of children’s stories from my childhood that I’m positive none of my friends would understand. Maybe, just maybe, if I share my memories with you, it will shed some light on why I am the way I am.

Let’s start with the weirdest, shall we? My dad bought me the English translation of  a German book called Der Struwwelpeter which was written in 1845–how relevant! Translated, it’s called Shockheaded Peter. It’s a collection of short stories about naughty kids who all get what they deserve…in a way. One of my favorites was about a boy who kept sucking his thumbs even after he was told not to over and over by his mother. This scary man comes to the boy’s house one day and cuts off his thumbs to teach him a lesson. As a child/pre-teen, I felt like this was an appropriate punishment (as long as it didn’t happen to me). Was I a Nazi in my past life?

Where did that man find those giant scissors?

One of my other favorite stories in this book is about a little girl who plays with matches and accidentally lights herself on fire. Oops. That’s what you get for being a pyro. The illustration is the best part of this story–I love the cat’s tears flowing into her ashes. Moral of the story, Germans are crazy as hell.

Stop drop and roll, foolio.

And then there’s Edward Gorey. I’ve touched on him before, but not in detail. His work is a little more well-known than Heinrich Hoffmann’s–the author of Der Struwwelpeter. One of my favorite Edward Gorey pieces is called The Ghastlycrumb Tinies which is essentially an alphabet book using children’s names and different ways to die. Some are pretty tame. For example, “A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.” That doesn’t seem like such a bad way to go. But others like, “K is for Kate who was struck with an axe” or “R is for Rhonda consumed by a fire” are slightly haunting.

RIP Kate.

Another brilliant story by Edward Gorey is called The Hapless Child. The main character of the story’s father dies at war. Her mother dies of depression shortly after, leaving the child with her uncle. He sends her to boarding school where she is teased endlessly. She runs away and is kidnapped by this guy who keeps her in a basement and forces her to make paper flowers in a dimly lit room. She starts to starve and go blind. Eventually she escapes, but because of her lack of sight, she couldn’t see and gets run over by a car. Her father actually wasn’t dead and it was his driver who ran her over. He looked at her, but didn’t recognize the child because she was so changed. So she died on the street. Such a great story for a kid to read! So uplifting and light!

Seems like cozy quarters.

And lastly, a quick touch on The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy written by Tim Burton. We all know who Tim Burton is. And if you don’t know who Tim Burton is, I refuse to make an attempt to describe him. And Helena Bonham Carter for that matter. The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy is a collection of short stories and poems. It’s not as scarring as the others, but this poem always stuck with me along with the illustration. I wonder why?

The Boy with Nails in His Eyes

The boy with nails in his eyes

Put up his aluminum tree.

It looked pretty strange

Because he couldn’t really see.

Ummm more importantly, how is he still alive and celebrating Christmas?

Good news is, half of us are probably better at writing poems than Tim Burton.

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