Adventures in Babysitting

I’ve babysat a lot in the past 8 years. It’s the perfect job when you think about it. You get to make up your own schedule, taxes don’t get taken out of your money, and you get to play and watch movies most of the time. However, there have been moments in my career where I’ve been a less than perfect care-taker. But that was in the beginning–when I was younger and didn’t really know what I was doing. Now I think of myself as some sort of babysitting professional.

I’m going to explain this post beforehand as to avoid any confusion for those of you who don’t understand what I’m trying to do here. Lately on tumblr, people have been using gifs (the moving pictures…for those of you behind the times) to describe how they’re feeling. I’ve peppered some of my older posts with them, but today I’m going to use gifs and pictures as the anchor of the post. Enjoy.

When I arrive at the house:

When the kids would ask me if they could have some of my gum:

When I would have to burp a baby after feeding it:

When I would look at the clock and it would only be 11am:

When the kids would ask to play tag:

When I had to make lunch:

When we finished watching Monster’s Inc.:

When I looked for something delicious in the family’s pantry:

When the kids tell me they’re allowed to have soda:

If one of my friends babysits with me:

When I give the kids a treat:

When I pop in a third movie:

When someone asks me how my day was:

At night:

Merfolk

I don’t know about you guys, but I like to think that mythical creatures used to and still do exist. My grandma passed down a book to me (or my mom…I don’t really remember. My mom and I are pretty interchangeable anyway) simply titled Faeries. It has every folkloric creature that you could find in nature. Some of the best creatures, in my opinion, are Mermaids.

Every child’s first introduction to mermaids should be through the movie, The Little Mermaid. I’ll be the first to admit that Ariel is kind of retarded. First of all she’s a ginger. And I mean that in the worst possible way. She’s a flaming, fire engine red, ginger. She likes adventure, but she gives her voice away in return for legs. Umm that’s a really bad trade. Although, Ursula’s song is very convincing. “And don’t underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE.” Wtf is Ursula anyway? She’s like half octopus half lesbian? I also love Ariel’s thought process: “If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again…” cut to her signing the scroll. Wow, you must have really loved your family.

A ginger wearing pink. Really, Disney?

Onto more realistic mermaids. The movie Splash really opened my eyes to what mermaids are really like–They save people from drowning, they can teach themselves English incredibly quickly, and they have the power to give themselves legs whenever they want. Did you know all it takes is a little iodized salt to change them back, too?! The things you learn. Basically everything in The Little Mermaid is a lie.  One of Ariel’s best friends is Sebastian the crab, yet Madison plows into a lobster like it’s her favorite meal. Hmmm. It seems like being naked on the beach is the only consistency between these two gals.

Is there any way you can avoid rolling in all that seaweed?

It wasn’t until later in life that I realized that mermaids aren’t at all like how they’ve been portrayed on the big screen. Some mermaids are indeed helpful and kind to sailors, but many had tempers and would specifically target men traveling across the sea. People often confuse mermaids with Sirens who were also women that would lure sailors from their ships hoping to kill them. Mermaids have been around forever–since 1000 B.C. Some were even recorded to be 2,000 feet long. I feel like ancient record keepers over exaggerated a lot.

At least she’s not using a fork to comb her hair. Or is she?

OMG wait. This just in: “Claimed sightings of dead or living mermaids have come from places as diverse as Java and British Columbia. There are two Canadian reports from the area of Vancouver and Victoria, one from sometime between 1870 and 1890, the other from 1967.” AHHHHH. BRB going mermaid spotting.

Other mermaids have been portrayed in movies like Pirates of the Caribbean 10 (there’s been 10 of those movies, right?). Mermaid tears are needed to open a secret door. Apparently mermaid tears are rare because they’re such biatches.

Skanks and hos.