I don’t know about you guys, but I like to think that mythical creatures used to and still do exist. My grandma passed down a book to me (or my mom…I don’t really remember. My mom and I are pretty interchangeable anyway) simply titled Faeries. It has every folkloric creature that you could find in nature. Some of the best creatures, in my opinion, are Mermaids.
Every child’s first introduction to mermaids should be through the movie, The Little Mermaid. I’ll be the first to admit that Ariel is kind of retarded. First of all she’s a ginger. And I mean that in the worst possible way. She’s a flaming, fire engine red, ginger. She likes adventure, but she gives her voice away in return for legs. Umm that’s a really bad trade. Although, Ursula’s song is very convincing. “And don’t underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE.” Wtf is Ursula anyway? She’s like half octopus half lesbian? I also love Ariel’s thought process: “If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again…” cut to her signing the scroll. Wow, you must have really loved your family.
A ginger wearing pink. Really, Disney?
Onto more realistic mermaids. The movie Splash really opened my eyes to what mermaids are really like–They save people from drowning, they can teach themselves English incredibly quickly, and they have the power to give themselves legs whenever they want. Did you know all it takes is a little iodized salt to change them back, too?! The things you learn. Basically everything in The Little Mermaid is a lie. One of Ariel’s best friends is Sebastian the crab, yet Madison plows into a lobster like it’s her favorite meal. Hmmm. It seems like being naked on the beach is the only consistency between these two gals.
Is there any way you can avoid rolling in all that seaweed?
It wasn’t until later in life that I realized that mermaids aren’t at all like how they’ve been portrayed on the big screen. Some mermaids are indeed helpful and kind to sailors, but many had tempers and would specifically target men traveling across the sea. People often confuse mermaids with Sirens who were also women that would lure sailors from their ships hoping to kill them. Mermaids have been around forever–since 1000 B.C. Some were even recorded to be 2,000 feet long. I feel like ancient record keepers over exaggerated a lot.
At least she’s not using a fork to comb her hair. Or is she?
OMG wait. This just in: “Claimed sightings of dead or living mermaids have come from places as diverse as Java and British Columbia. There are two Canadian reports from the area of Vancouver and Victoria, one from sometime between 1870 and 1890, the other from 1967.” AHHHHH. BRB going mermaid spotting.
Other mermaids have been portrayed in movies like Pirates of the Caribbean 10 (there’s been 10 of those movies, right?). Mermaid tears are needed to open a secret door. Apparently mermaid tears are rare because they’re such biatches.
Skanks and hos.