What’s the point of Alaska?

"Please don't make me live in Canada" - Every Husky

I finally arrived home. I know you were all really worried about me. Dry your tears–I’m safe and sound in the Land of the Free and the home of Mickey D’s. On our flight from Seattle to Chicago, Paul and I sat next to a man from Alaska. And when I say man, I mean cowboy. And when I say cowboy, I mean that he smelled like beer and dirt.

While trying to avoid the cowboy’s bloodshot eyes, I started thinking about Alaska. Alaska is basically in Canada. Do we really need 50 states? I think we should give Alaska to Canada as a sign of trust and payment for all of the future oil that we’re going to steal from their oil sands. Yes, Canada has oil in it’s sand. I could be living in a very wealthy country some day, folks!

But in all seriousness, do Americans pay attention to Alaska? No. Would we care if Alaska was missing? No. Would care if every Alaskan was held hostage? Probs not. So why do we need it? Isn’t that just wasting more of our money? Downsizing seems so smart. Isn’t that a trend? America is like the TLC show Hoarders, and Alaska is burying us alive. Actually, it’s just setting off my OCD because it’s not connected to the mainland. I’m willing to make an exception for Hawaii. I’ve never been to Hawaii but I saw “The Descendants” and “Lilo and Stitch” so I think I’m able to make a fair judgement call on this one. Hawaii stays.

This guy on the plane said that he was helping rebuild one of the first (and only, I’m guessing) cement sailboats. If that’s the kind of stuff they’re doing in Alaska, then maybe we should just dump it on Canada and let them support Alaska. Also, Canada would be over-accepting of Eskimos. They would probably only refer to them as Inuits like the politically correct people they are. And don’t act like they wouldn’t enjoy having 700,000 more members of Canadian society. Perfect solution.