The Rise and Fall of Fed

Everyone knows that I don’t like sports. I’m not sporty, and I’m not interested in how good your team is. And I really don’t care which teams made it to the playoffs this year. Cheering for an entire team bores me. I have no connection to them. I do however, enjoy rooting for single players.

Over the years, I’ve learned to take an interest in Roger Federer. Sometimes I would catch my dad watching tennis and I would sit down and watch a set with him. And then leave and mumble something about being bored. Paul also really likes the world of tennis. Well, Paul just really likes sports. Even sports that no one should be interested in like snooker, squash, and cricket. Barf barf barf. Have you ever tried watching snooker and had to pretend to be interested? If you haven’t, then you’ve never really experienced pain. I have the name Ronnie O’Sullivan logged away in my brain as a top snooker player. Why do I know that? Why is that fact taking up room in my brain?

Anyway, I took an interest in Mr Federer over the years. Not because he’s cute, which he is. Not because he’s nice, which he is. But because he’s good, really good. And if I’m gonna root for someone, I want them to win. I don’t root for losers.

I’m going to take some time out of my busy schedule to educate you on the world of Roger Federer. You don’t even need to know about tennis. You just need to know about him. He was born in 1981 in Switzerland. This is important. You should know the ages of athletes because if there’s a lag in the conversation you can always bring up how they don’t have much time before they retire, or mention how they’re SO young and already a professional or something like that. People will think you really know your stuff. You also have to consider where they’re from. Think of Switzerland–mountains, neutrality, Geneva, wealthy, etc. It makes sense because Fed is always dressed to the nines even when he’s playing tennis. He’s always matching, never sweats, and constantly looks like he’s having a good time.

Rafael Nadal, hailing from Spain, and one of Roger’s biggest competitions, looks like a rat monkey and has been seen wearing man-capris. That’s Spain for you.

Fed doesn’t only dress well, he plays well too. He almost dances on the court. It’s crazy how graceful he is. He’s held the record for being the #1 tennis player in the world for 285 consecutive weeks from February 2 2004 to August 18 2008. One week short of Pete Sampras’ record. He’s also holds the Men’s Grand Slam record for 16 wins.

He is one of seven male players to capture the career Grand Slam and one of three (with Andre Agassi and Rafael Nadal) to do so on three different surfaces (clay, grass, and hard courts). He is the only male player in tennis history to have reached the title match of each Grand Slam tournament at least five times and also the final at each of the nine ATP Masters 1000 tournaments. Many sports analysts, tennis critics, and former and current players consider Federer to be the greatest tennis player of all time.

He IS the greatest player of all time. Hands down. Nadal and Djokovic are both so stupid and ugly and Spanish and Serbian. Like, go away seriously. They’ve been a pain to watch. Mainly because they both came out of nowhere and started destroying Fed’s career. He’s taken a fall from #1 to #3.

I’m going to blame everything on Federer having kids. Recently, his wife, Mirka gave birth to twin girls, Myla and Charlene. Yes, Charlene. My theory is that once you have kids, your life is pretty much over. Who knows what Mirka is making him do–change diapers, give piggy back rides, clean up barf?! How can he perfect his game if his home life is chaotic? Thanks a lot Mirka.

Charlene has to be the one on Roger’s lap.

Preppy: A Lifestyle Part 1

When thinking about the word “prep” a number of things can come to mind. Nice clothes, country clubs memberships. yachts, ski vacations, madris and seersucker, ivy league schools, etc. But it’s so much more than that! Take it from me, someone who has fooled hundreds of my pupils into thinking I’m pretty preppy by taking shortcuts, pretending I have good taste, and acting exclusive. Can one act exclusive? I guess it’s just a nice way of saying that instead of acting like I hated everyone, I just acted like I was above them. Was I snotty? Yes. Am I still? Don’t answer that.

Here to relieve you of all your questions about preppy-ism, I have “The Official Preppy Handbook” as a guide. I obtained the 1980 edition, so maybe some things have changed since then, but I’m pretty sure being preppy is all about tradition. So this is as vintage as I could get. I’m almost certain there’s an earlier version that Ralph Lauren keeps in the back of his closet and prays to every night.

Invest in Ralph for true prep attire.

Let’s start with The Rights of Birthright: The Family. Everything starts here. For most of us it never actually starts because our families are poor and retarded. None of our parents went to great schools, and their parents went to even worse schools. Something interesting about preppy families is that everyone has their official familial title. For example, I would be Aunt Lily if my brother had a child. Or if we were talking about my mom’s sister’s child, I would refer to her as Cousin Buffy (I don’t have a cousin Buffy. That would be ultra-creep). My mom always did this. She would call people Cousin so-and-so, or Uncle this-and-that. Can’t you just call them by their name? Speaking of names, if you want to guarantee that your child is a preppy, name them a name that you would only call a pet. Biffy, Kitty, Teeny, Duke, Muffy, Barbie, Bitsy, Bunny, Corky, Rocky, Chip, Kip, Trip, Skip. Basically, any name that shouldn’t be a name.

Of Mahogany and Macrame. If You had the following items in your house growing up, you were probably raised to be a preppy: Upholstered pieces covered with flowered chintz, many small and worn oriental rugs, prints of dogs, ducks, horses, boats or birds, antiques bought at an auction, museum documented eighteenth century wallpaper, lots of old table lamps, mahogany and brass, pastel sketches of the children, portraits of ancestors, fireplace equipment, ship models and nautical memorabilia, Georgian paneling, dishes of beach glass.

If you had any of these items, your family was the opposite of preppy: vinyl protectors, wall-to-wall rugs, abstract art, Louis-the-anything furniture, flocked wallpaper, indirect, spot or track lighting, chrome and glass, macrame, Hummel figurines, dirt, Masonite paneling, dishes of candy. I’m so sorry if this was your life. I’m crying a single tear for you as I type.

If you want to make your house preppy and you don’t have the money or good taste, just remember that nothing should look like you tried hard, yet everything should flow. Always go with a beach or cottage theme (those are safest and easiest) or Shabby Chic. Throw some Town & Country magazines around and call it a day. You’re welcome.

Keepers of the Flame: Status Quo Institutions. If your parents didn’t force you into any sport or activity, count your blessings. Being lazy is the best, am I right?! But for prep standards, it’s the mark of the devil. Preppy activities include: piano lessons (or any classical instrument), ballet, horse riding, French lessons, tennis (think country club sports), golf, sailing, etc. Summer camp can also be considered a preppy activity. I went to an all-girls camp, which basically means that it wasn’t any fun. I joined swim team (semi-preppy?) and sang in choir. I had people fooled into thinking I liked doing things.

Couldn’t you picture them on a rowing team?

Regulating the Cash Flow: Well-to-Do’s and Don’ts.

1. Your money is handled by a trustee until you reach your twenties. That always seems like an appropriate age to give your children all of their money. The age where they make even worse decisions than when they were in high school. It’s imperative that you make your trustee think that you’re a capable human being. Agree to everything he says and make sure he pays if he takes you out to lunch so he knows that you can handle your money well. These are all tricks of the trade, my friends.

2. Give to charities that will list your name as a sponsor.

3. Spend money on important things, but use thrift for insignificant items. It’s a fine balance.

4. Be slightly careless with your money. “Forget how much cash you have with you, for instance–it helps give the impression that you don’t think too much about money.”

5. Never carry cash. “Borrow or charge.” Borrow? Wouldn’t borrowing make you seem super poor? I wouldn’t suggest borrowing. Being in debt of others is uncomfortable, and frankly, gross.

6. Never replace anything until you’ve exhausted all possibility of  repair, restoration, or rehabilitation.

7. Pick up small tabs. People will remember your generosity, but not the amount. Allow them to pick up the lavish dinners and what not.

8. Don’t say wealthy. Say rich.

A Preppy Value System:

Consistency

Nonchalance

Charm

Drinking

Effortlessness

Athleticism

Discipline

Public Spiritedness

So spirited!

Unpopular Opinion Challenge

So instead of writing about how weird Canada is, today I’ve decided to freshen it up and talk about things that I hate that other people don’t, and vice versa.

1. A selection of television programs you do not care for: Big Bang Theory and Glee. What is so appealing about watching unattractive men talk about science? And like that girl on the show would EVER date any of them. Unrealistic. The only one who is semi-funny is the Jewish guy. Glee just makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Everyone on that show is so pretentious. And their “remakes” of songs sound exactly like the original. Is it supposed to be funny? And I hate how they cater to every stereotype. Talk about unrealistic.

2. A selection of musical artists you do not care for: I don’t really like James Taylor’s music. I don’t mind him as a person, I guess. His voice kind of gives me the creeps. And as for a real unpopular opinion, I don’t really like Dave Matthews. Sorry, everyone that went to my high school. Oh, and Prince 😉

3. A selection of celebrities you couldn’t care less about: Thinking about this makes my brain hurt.

4. A hobby you don’t understand: Running. I used to run every day. And now, looking back on it, I have to question my sanity. I also find it weird when people are super crafty. It’s like, how does their brain think of all these projects? Aliens.

5. A habit you find disgusting: Swearing. I hate when people throw those words around in everyday conversation. It makes them seem uneducated and tacky.

6. Something in your school that you really liked doing that everyone else hated: Orientation. There’s something about setting up my locker and finding my classes that I always enjoyed. Also, on the day of orientation, you would see how everyone changed over the summer. And by changed, I mean how tan they got.

7. Your favorite household chore: First of all, I hate the word chore. Its so Little House on the Prairie. My favorite duty would probably be making the bed. That counts, right?

8. PC or MAC: PC all the way. Mac are weird for the sake of being different. Its like, really? You had to put the exit buttons on the other side of the screen? What purpose does that serve?

9. A sport you don’t like for whatever reason: Soccer. I don’t get it. And everyone is so competitive. Maybe it’s from being in England for so long. And everyone calling it futbol. That just makes it 10 times worse.

10. A sport you really like for whatever reason: I like tennis. I like watching it and playing it. I’m terrible. But there is something about it that never gets old. And I like to swim. But watching swimming is only the most boring.

11. Television programs you love but have gotten teased for liking: The Real Housewives. I know that I am not alone. Can’t get enough of those crack whores. And I also love Extreme Home Makeover even though Ty seems drunk the whole time and its pretty much the same family week after week. I also love any freak show that’s on TLC.

12. Musical artists that you love but have been teased for liking: Enya. I actually have all of her songs on my ipod–THEY SOOTHE ME, OKAY?

13. A habit you have that people bug you about: Biting my nails. Sorry, they’re just so delicious.

14. Something you hated doing in school that everyone else seemed to love: Rollerskating in gym. Me + rollerskates =most awkward thing on the planet.

15. A household chore that makes you want to shoot your own face off: I think we can all agree that dishes are the most sick nasty thing ever. If I could eat off of paper plates every day, I would.

16. A celebrity crush that other people don’t understand: I love me some Alan Rickman. And I legitimately had a crush on Lumiere from Beauty and The Beast, if that counts.