Projects

I have a lot of projects I’m working on. But they aren’t like home-type projects. Or projects that anyone else would consider a “project” but they’re projects to me and this is my blog so I win.

Drinking tea. I know I know. Drinking tea isn’t really a hard thing to do. I mean, you have to heat up water which can kind of be a pain, but other than that, it doesn’t take much skill. I just have a lot of tea in the house for some reason and my OCD keeps telling me to make room in the cabinets. What can I get rid of? How can I make space? The answer was simply to drink all the tea that we had in the course of a week. I’ve been having 5-6 cups a day which is weird because I usually hate drinking water or anything that isn’t Diet Pepsi, but I had to do it to make space for other food. (I realize I could have simply moved the tea, or given it to someone else, but no.)

Teeth whitening. Ever since I questioned my dental hygienist about whether I should get my teeth whitened, I’ve been interested in the process. The only reason I became more interested is because my hygienist’s answer was that my teeth were “pretty white” but “they could be whiter.” Well there you have it. They aren’t perfect and this is making me feel gross. I didn’t feel comfortable asking my parents to pay for my teeth whitening (well, that’s not true, I felt totally comfortable but it just didn’t end up happening) so I bought an at-home whitening kit. And no, I didn’t buy Crest White Strips. I’m not made of money! I didn’t think the kit was doing it’s job until Paul and I were eating lunch the other day and he told me my teeth looked white. AWWW. Love that guy.

Lotioning. I’m getting prepared for tanning season, or summer as other people refer to it. If your skin isn’t moist and lotioned nicely, your tan won’t stick, and you’ll be ugly. At least that’s what I tell myself. Plus, lotion smells good and it makes your legs look silky. Nice, luxurious lotions can be costly though. I purchased three good-sized bottles for $40 from Sephora and the scents are so weird. The first one I used was Lemon and Sage. It was okay, and thankfully the sage was kept to a minimum. I didn’t want to come off smelling like a lost love child of Stevie Nicks. The scent I’m currently using, and second in the pack is Blood Orange and White Pepper. Like, who was in charge of that combination? It sounds like a new potato chip flavor. But it’s actually more orangey than peppery so it’s not that bad. Actually, it’s not bad at all. Luckily, the last scent is Raspberry Champagne. Save the best for last. Always always. Except with food. Definitely eat the best things first so no one else can have them.

Running. UGH. I thought I was over this torture. I hadn’t been consistently working out since I moved to Canada. I used to be one of those people who worked out all the time. Then I moved and got distracted. I tried working out, doing different things so I wouldn’t lose interest, but I lost interest a lot. The other day, however, I ran on the treadmill for a bit and I really liked it. So I guess I’m getting into that again. *sigh*

Do you have any “projects” that you’re working on?

Beauty is Pain/Pain is Beauty

Rosie is committing hundreds of beauty crimes.

As I was putting on makeup out of sheer boredom the other day, I realized that females do a lot to come across as normal. I know Jenna Marbles did that youtube video on “How to Trick People into Thinking You’re Good Looking” which is funny and true, but the stuff we do is so beyond that.

I’m going to make a quick list of crap that we, as females, have to do to keep up appearances. This list is not for the faint of heart:

1.  Waxing and plucking. If you have eyebrows, they better be tamed. If you have a moustache, no one should know. If you have sideburns, get the razor out, because honey, that’s sick nasty. If you have light hair, you better color in your brows, and if you have a unibrow, you might as well just end your life now.

2. Dying, Highlights and lowlights. Lord help you if your hair isn’t shiny, bouncy, and full of volume. You better make a bee-line for the salon if your hair is an “in between color”. Let me tell you something, Tan hair doesn’t look good on anyone. So blah. Chocolate brown or blonde. Also, if your hair is pin straight, doesn’t hold a curl, is too curly, or frizzy, get that under control pronto.

3. Tanning. If I can see the color of your veins, then tanning beds are calling your name. Don’t do spray-on, that can get messy and smelly. However, tanning beds can get cancer-y. But no one wants corpse-colored legs, so tanning beds it is!

4. Teeth whitening. There is no such thing as “too white”. Get Invisaline while you’re at it.

5. Makeup. If you can’t draw a straight line with eyeliner along your lash line, what good are you to this world? Figure out what kind of lip and cheek color suit your complexion. And if you’re white, forget about wearing pink eye shadow. You’ll look like you have an eye infection.

6. Skin treatments. If your skin is not as smooth and glowing as a baby’s butt (do they glow?) then you should invest hundreds of dollars into skin products so your face doesn’t look so fuggles.

7. Fake nails. You bite your nails, eh? Guess you’ll have to wear fakes for the rest of your life to avoid social suicide. It’s so fun having Vietnamese women glue hunks of plastic to your shaven down nails.

8. Working out. Wait, you don’t have the body of a super model? What kind of cruel joke did the gene pool play on you? I have a new home for you, its called the gym. Learn to love it.

9. Shaving. If the movie Psycho doesn’t bother you, its probably because you’ve seen your own blood run down the shower drain hundreds of times. Or because you’re a psycho. Shaving your legs is time consuming and will no doubt put you in an awkward position or two. To avoid it, wear pants and tights for the rest of your life.

10. Contacts. Unless you’re going for the hot librarian look (you must be brave), get rid of your glasses. I don’t care if you have a lazy eye. Find contacts, or a way to fight it. I’m sure people would think it was nifty that you could look two places at once.

There are so many more things that we do to look like our best selves, but in reality, do we need all of that stuff to be pretty and socially acceptable? Don’t answer that. Even though the list seems brutal, I would rather do all of that than have a penis.

Heaps better, darling.