St. Patrick’s Day: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I would say, “Kiss me, I’m Irish!” But I’m actually Irish and I don’t want to be kissed by any of you. No offense. I decided to highlight some of my favorite things about St. Patty’s day and some of my least favorite things that remotely relate to Ireland.

The Good:

Wearing green. I actually look really great in green so today happens to make my beauty a focal point. I joke, I joke. But in all seriousness, it really brings people together when everyone is wearing the same color. It makes you feel like you’re a part of something, because, lets face it, none of us are really a part of anything. We’re just floating around in life. Wearing green gives us something to do. And it shows that you made a conscious effort to dress up for a weird holiday. I really like the idea of punching people that don’t wear green. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Or did I make that up because that’s what I actually want to do.

The Disney movie The Luck of the Irish. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with this, but this movie made a mark on my childhood. It’s incredibly cheesy. This is how describes it: “A teenager must battle for a gold charm to keep his family from being controlled by an evil leprechaun.” Obviously the story is more complex than that. The teenager, Kyle, starts turning into a leprechaun after the family’s luck starts disappearing. His mom starts turning into a leprechaun too. Some other stuff happens. Kyle’s grandpa’s name is Reilly O’Reilly which is my favorite name ever next to the bad guy’s name which is Seamus McTiernen. I remember forcing my dad to watch this movie all the while he was probably wondering how his child grew up to be a semi-retarded pre-teen. But I think he secretly liked it. I still have it on VHS if anyone wants to borrow it.

Oh, and Kyle plays basketball and eventually beats the evil leprechaun in a nail-biting game.

The Bad:

Shamrock Shakes. No, McDonald’s. NO. No one like’s mint flavored shakes. Don’t bring them back. Think of a different green item to serve us. Green eggs and ham perhaps? Green sausage patties would even be acceptable. But Shamrock Shakes are just gross and weird. Plus, there aren’t even any shamrocks in the recipe. That’s so misleading. And while you’re at it, get rid of that Egg Nog crap you sell around Christmas. No one likes that.

St. Patty’s Day not being an actual holiday. What I mean by that is, no one gets off school or work for St. Patrick’s day. Apparently, St. Patrick banished all snakes from Ireland. What a legend. I would love to banish a species, especially a gross one like snakes. Patty knew what was up. And now we celebrate him. You know how people say to keep Christ in Christmas? Well maybe more people should keep St. Patrick in St. Patrick’s Day. Just let that one sink in for a bit. If it’s going to be a true holiday, then let’s not do anything. PLEASE. Who can I talk to about this?

No one mentioned that St. Patrick was a giant. HE'S HOLDING A CHURCH.

The Ugly:

Bono. How can I get him to just go away forever?