Causes of My Future Death

I wouldn’t say that I’m someone that lives on the edge. At all. I’ve tempted fate on many occasions, but hey! I’m still here. I started thinking about all of the stupid stuff that I’ve done (and that I still do) that could eventually lead to my death. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I died from the following causes:

1. Texting while driving. I used to do this more at home. Just because I know the roads so well, and I’m an overall pro at driving. I know this is a bad one because it’s so easily preventable–don’t pick up your stupid phone. It’s so tempting though! And believe me, whenever someone isn’t paying attention to the road I’m the first to say, “Ugh he/she’s probably texting.” I only text at red lights now, so that’s an improvement, right?

2. Jaywalking. I’ve had people pull me back on the sidewalk by the collar of my jacket. I’ve almost been ran over by a bus multiple times. Whenever I think its clear, I start going. Its rare when I wait at a crosswalk for the flashing red hand to turn into the white walking man. Hey, isn’t that racist? I really just don’t like people in their cars looking at me when I’m just standing there. I also don’t like it when homeless people ask me for money when I’m standing and waiting. It’s so awkward if you don’t have any change. You just have to stand there and look in a different direction. Or let them talk to you about how they haven’t eaten in a week. They know just what to say to make me super uncomfortable. So my goal is to just keep walking.

Okay, black lights probably wouldn't work.

3. Tanning. This will not cause my immediate death, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have skin cancer by the time I’m 30. I don’t even get super tan. I just like the feeling of warmth from the tanning beds. It’s like being inside the womb again. Plus, you don’t look all pasty and sick afterwards. I have a couple of friends that love to guilt trip me for going tanning. It just makes me want to go more. Hmm instead of having this conversation, I could be in a warm cocoon of love right now. But, yeah they’re probably right–when I’m older my skin will be nasty and I’ll probably have had cancer like 5 times. Can having absolutely no foresight be a cause of death?

4. Walking alone at night. I did this a lot during my study abroad. My friends and I all lived in different places around the town so we all ended up walking home on our own. I chose the shortest path that I could. Unfortunately that included going under this “rape-tunnel” as I liked to call it. Apparently some guy murdered his girlfriend in this tunnel. It was under the train tracks. It was dimly lit, had graffiti-ed walls and absolutely no one would be able to hear you if you were dying. I always walked tall and kind of ran through the tunnel. I’m honestly surprised that nothing happened to me because that’s just a creepy situation.

5. Spontaneous Combustion. I feel like I would be one of those rare people that spontaneously combusts. There have been 200 cases of this phenomenon in the last 300 years. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was one of the rare few. Sometimes I get a weird heart burn feeling, and I usually take it as a sign that my combustion process has started. But I think it’d usually because I had too much pizza.

Instead of crying, I would be making my I-knew-this-was-gonna-happen face.

How do you think you’ll end up biting the dust?