Dear Shia LaBeouf, Please Lay Off The Drugs

Most of you have probably heard by now that Shia LaBeouf was in Sigur Ros’ new “music video”. For those of you that don’t know, Sigur Ros is a creepy Icelandic band that has just made themselves 100 times creepier in my eyes. I can’t for the life of me name any of their songs. I don’t know what/who convinced Shia (aka my adolescent lover) to make such a weird career move, but alas, I am not responsible for him or his actions.

Shia’s climb up the popularity ladder started with the Disney channel sitcom Even Stevens. Everyone in my generation will admit that Even Stevens had moments of brilliance not to mention moments of hilarity. As young people, we get attached to shows that are by our side as we grow up. Even Stevens was one of these shows.  Unfortunately, Shia grew up, and so did we.

How could you deny this nostril-flared face?

As he moved away from TV, Shia started gravitating towards some pretty big film roles including but not limited to, I, Robot (never saw it), Constantine (eww I’m allergic to Keanu Reeves movies), Bobby ( did anyone see this?), Disturbia (sexy Shia make out scene), Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Old Harrison Ford, and like, eight Transformer movies. Yawn snore barf.

Now, the adult Shia feels the need to do interpretive dance moves naked. I just don’t understand. I mean, yeah, movie-wise things could’ve been better for Shi Shi. But they also didn’t have to take a nosedive into Icelandic waters. I’m hurt and confused as to why he would chose this path. I never thought I would see Shia’s peen. But now I have and there’s no going back. It’s seared into my brain for time and all eternity. Well, hopefully not all eternity. But for a while. Or at least until I have to look it up to refresh the image.

I can’t really even explain the clip. It’s not a music video because there’s barely any music. Granted, I didn’t watch the last 5 minutes so who knows. I stopped watching after Shia and the Icelandic chick were kidnapped and blindfolded and given lollipops. It was just too weird for me. Plus Shia had long greasy rapist hair and I just couldn’t deal. I miss my old Shia. I’m sorry that our paths didn’t cross. I could’ve saved your soul (Cue Jewel). Lily LaBeouf has a certain ring to it, dontcha think?

Spy Games

Spying on people is kind of the best thing ever. It’s like people watching but better because you can watch from the privacy of your own home. You can laugh and point all you want because no one can see you. One of my favorite spying memories is from a hotel in downtown Victoria, B.C. My mom stays in a hotel that has a good view of the harbor so they provide guests with hi-tech binoculars. They’re a never-ending source of entertainment. I’m able to spy on people hundreds of yards away. It’s perfect. I feel like I’m in charge of my own planet of mini people.

What are you really going to find with a magnifying glass? Do they even make those anymore?

Ever since I’ve moved here there’s been apartments being built right outside my window. I spy on the construction workers all the time. I know when they’re slacking off or listening to music. I can even peek inside the apartment windows and see what kind of fake-o granite was picked for the counter tops. There have been a couple of times when I’ve had to use my super stealth moves in order to avoid the gaze of the workers. I’m starting to think that I might be the closest thing to a female version of James Bond.

This really gets me thinking though, what if you saw something that you weren’t supposed to see? Of course I’m thinking of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window. The main character, who happens to be in a wheelchair, finds himself dying of boredom and ends up spying on his neighbors. He believes one of them is a murderer and tries to convince his girlfriend (played by Grace Kelly) that he’s not crazy.

Grace Kelly wouldn't date James Stewart in real life FYI.

If I witnessed a murder I don’t really know what I would do. You can’t really call the police. I mean, you could, but what if they couldn’t find anything on the guy (I’m not even going to try to be politically correct. Girls aren’t murderers. Except Casey Anthony. Why hasn’t anyone killed her yet, by the way?) and then the guy knows that you know about his secret. You’re definitely dead after that. So I would probably just sit there and not tell anyone. I mean, what’s a girl to do?

They recently modernized the story of Rear Window. Disturbia is a similar story of a young guy (played by my love, Shia LaBeouf) who’s on house arrest because he beat up one of his teachers. Living the dream, he’s suspended from school and left to his own devices. He spies on all of his neighbors, suspecting one of being a murderer. I really liked this movie. It might have been because of the scene where Shia eats peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon and pours chocolate sauce all over it. That scene made me realize that there are people in the world who are just like me.

I'm sensing a binocular theme...

Have you ever thought about phones being tapped? What if someone listened to all of your conversations? If they listened to mine they would realize that my mom and I can make a conversation about literally anything. Paul and I have our own type of weird language (as you do when you get married) so they wouldn’t be able to understand us without using the Rosetta Stone. The actual Rosetta Stone, not that computer program for people who want to learn Italian in 2 days.