TV

My Fave Reality TV Moments

Let’s be clear for a minute. These are MY fave. Not your fave, not the best ever, not the funniest. Just mine. Most of these are pretty popular. Others you might not be as familiar with. In which case, you’re welcome.

Greg’s Coconut Phone. During the very first season of Survivor or, the birth of reality television, one of the contestants, Greg, would talk into a coconut on a daily basis. For the record, the game lasted for 40 days. If someone was watching Greg’s actions they would have thought he was the original Castaway, or was a severe schizo. I love how Greg’s teammates look at him, unamused. The fact that he uses the term “incommunicado” incorrectly makes me want to actually leave him on an island so he can be with his coconut phone. Forever.

Chicken of the Sea. Everyone thought this moment was so funny and cute. It disturbed me more than anything. It demonstrated that celebrities don’t have to have a brain in their head to make millions of dollars. Don’t get me wrong, Jessica is cute and seems super nice. But come on. Even Nick is like, are you retarded? I love when Jessica says “Oh I understand now. I read it wrong.” Good save, Jess.

Watermelon to the Face. I’m not a huge fan of slapstick, but I am a huge fan of seeing annoying people get hurt. The Amazing Race is a great show because a bunch of annoying people get to race around the world and get super tired and eat gross things and eventually not win a million dollars. In this challenge, two lesbians (I mean, “Home Shopping Hosts”) have to hit some knights in armor with watermelons. When you’re racing around the world, tasks like this ALWAYS come up. After the girl gets pummeled with a watermelon, her companion has little to no sympathy. “They don’t call it The Amazing Race for nothing.” Now get up off your ass, wipe the fruit out of your hair, and try not to get your big head in the way this time.

Snooki Gets Punched. This is the moment that made Snooki watchable. Before she was socked right in the kisser, she wasn’t memorable or outgoing. It’s almost like she got some sense smacked into her. But no, she’s actually still really dumb. It’s just kind of fun to watch.

Scott Disick Being Perfect. The hilarity that is Scott Disick cannot be contained in one scene. Mr. Disick, beau of Kourtney Kardashian, makes Keeping Up With The Kardashians worth watching. Unforch, it’s impossible for me to pick just one funny Disick moment, so y’all are going to have to do some Kardash research. Marathon anyone?!?!

Susan Boyle Doin’ Her Thang. I know it’s super cheesy, but I love moments like this. This clip makes me never want to judge a book by it’s cover ever again. I’m still going to judge people on their appearances. But books? Never again. The best part about this clip, in my opinion, is Simon’s reaction. You can tell he’s like “Am I on Punk’d?” Classic. Piers is just being annoying. And the girl in the middle is crying her face off.

Teresa Giudice Crazy Town. You really only have to watch the first minute of this clip to understand Teresa Giudice. She makes Jessica Simpson look scholarly. She makes Snooki look lady-like. The worst part is that the woman that Teresa’s fighting, Danielle, is super obnoxious. But Teresa makes her look like a calm and collected reasonable human. Teresa Giudice is what nightmares are made of. Andy Cohen probably had to burn his suit after Teresa touched slammed him.

Alana. Let’s just say, if my child turned out like Alana, I would have 10 kids. Nothing makes me laugh quite like this reality TV moment. TLC really comes up with some genius shows, including, Toddlers and Tiaras. Alana’s mother is frightening, like most beauty pageant moms. But she did something right in raising this child because she’s almost as funny as me. You can hear the cameramen and interviewers laughing in the background of all her scenes. God bless Alana.

 

 

 

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Exercise

Gym Rats

I’m not taking about people who are at the gym all the time chiseling their bods. I’m talking about people who are at the gym that actually look like rats. By now you all know that I love observing, people watching, judging, whatever you wanna call it. The gym is an awesome place to do this. However, you run the risk of being judged yourself because you’re most likely sweaty and/or dead from doing the StairMaster for 15 minutes.

Now that I think about it, the StairMaster is the greatest machine to workout on if your into people watching, like myself. It’s almost like your on a tower, high above the rest of the common gym folk. Most of my spying happens whilst climbing 61 flights of stairs.

One day, a yoga class had just finished and as the people emptied out of the room, they were all carrying their mats and their shoes. They paraded across the room in their bare feet. Is that really necessary? I don’t want to see your sweaty feet during my workout. How hard is it to put shoes on? I’m pretty sure yoga isn’t the most grueling of workouts (unless it’s hot yoga, in which case God bless your soul).

Ew put those away, you psychos.

Later in the day this guy was working out on the elliptical in front of me. I don’t know what kind of look he was going for, but it wasn’t cute. I’m going to start at the top and work my way down. He had jet black greased back hair that went back to his neck. I don’t know what was holding his hair in place–grease, hair gel, sweat?–but not one hair was out of place. He had on a black wife-beater TUCKED into a bathing suit. If there’s one thing that’s super unattractive, it’s men working out in swim trunks. Ew okay I hate saying swim trunks. A bathing suit. Like, why? What is the reasoning? You can literally buy running shorts anywhere! Go to Wal-Mart.

It gets even worse though. He was wearing black socks pulled up to the middle of his calf and black boots that looked like they had a bit of a heel. That’s your outfit to workout in? That’s what you choose? After he picked his wedgie right in front of me, I decided to stop observing because there’s not much else to see after that.

Right up there.

On a completely different day, I was running on the treadmill, minding my on business when I see this very large man. He’s wearing a bright red shirt with a maple leaf on it, tucked into dress shorts (I don’t know how to describe them–like nicer khaki shorts?) with suspenders. He gets on the machine next to me, and I’m just chillin’ listening to my tunes when I almost jump off of my machine. He made the loudest, HEYYYYHOOHOOO noise when he saw two of his buddies. He bellowed. There is really no other word to describe what he did. Everyone in the gym was staring at him as he hugged his friends, drenching them in his sweat. At this point I was glancing around the room to make sure my friend saw what I was seeing. She did. We were frightened.

His friend got on the treadmill on the other side of me and the proceeded to talk across me as I was trying to run. I punched my emergency stop button and got off the machine. The YMCA is a great place to work out if you can dodge the creeps. Looking back, I should have taken the spray bottle that’s used to clean the machines and just sprayed both of them. Next time….next time.

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canada, Judging

Know-It-Alls

Apparently there’s a new show on Canada’s Discovery Channel called Canada’s Greatest Know-It-All. Watching this sounds about as appealing as hanging out with my grandpa for the day. Aka the worst.

Being a know-it-all means two things: you have a lot of meaningless knowledge, and you have literally no friends. Why would I want to watch people like that on TV when I wouldn’t want to be around them in real life? I feel like that show would just make me angry. The only people that should be contestants are people in college. Maybe not though. Know-it-alls come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.

This reminds me of another show that I loathe, The Big Bang Theory. Why would I want to watch annoying people talk about science? I’ve given the show a couple chances thinking, “I really hope this gets funny” but it never does. All of the guys on that show are so fugly. Whoever is in charge of costume design should be shot. No one dresses like that. Not funny. AND there’s a laugh track. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of shows that I used to watch that have a laugh track, but with The Big Bang Theory it just seems so forced. Here’s a clip of the show without the laugh track. Its just so so stupid.

Oddly enough, I’ll still watch shows like Hoarders and Toddlers and Tiaras and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Even though I can’t stand the people on those shows, I’m intrigued by their way of life (and by how dumb they are). Okay fine, to be honest I watch Hoarders so I can see houses full of fermented poop, the Kardashians so I can see the love of my life, Scott Disick, and Toddlers and Tiaras so I can be mesmerized by girls like this:

 

 

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