TV

Godspeed, Kim Kardashian

What’s wrong with you, you crazy slut?

I see you’ve been off the pill.

What if your child is one gigantic butt?

Did you realize that you’re legally married to Kris Humphries still?kim-kardashian-ass

Kanye must be feeling proud—giving you his seed.

He’ll probably want to dress you though–he seems to feel the need.

Buying new pregnancy clothes could end up being fun.

It’s unfortunate that you’ll gain 50 pounds before you’re done.

To think of Khloe in all this must upset you.

She’s always wanted a baby too.

You probably don’t care because you all compete.

Khloe is stuck babysitting Rob. And we know they like to eat.

How do you come up with such good money-making schemes?

It’s almost as if you plan all of those dramatic reality scenes.

First it was a sex tape, then of course a fake marriage,

I didn’t think you would ever find more ways for disparage.Kim_Kardashian_wedding1

But now you’re stuck with Kanye,

There will always be a link,

He rapped about avoiding gold diggers,

Being stuck with you, well, that’s gotta stink.

I hope you pick a good baby name,

I hope it’s something the public can stand.

Maybe something more traditional and tame

Instead of Penelope Scotland.

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TV

My Fave Reality TV Moments

Let’s be clear for a minute. These are MY fave. Not your fave, not the best ever, not the funniest. Just mine. Most of these are pretty popular. Others you might not be as familiar with. In which case, you’re welcome.

Greg’s Coconut Phone. During the very first season of Survivor or, the birth of reality television, one of the contestants, Greg, would talk into a coconut on a daily basis. For the record, the game lasted for 40 days. If someone was watching Greg’s actions they would have thought he was the original Castaway, or was a severe schizo. I love how Greg’s teammates look at him, unamused. The fact that he uses the term “incommunicado” incorrectly makes me want to actually leave him on an island so he can be with his coconut phone. Forever.

Chicken of the Sea. Everyone thought this moment was so funny and cute. It disturbed me more than anything. It demonstrated that celebrities don’t have to have a brain in their head to make millions of dollars. Don’t get me wrong, Jessica is cute and seems super nice. But come on. Even Nick is like, are you retarded? I love when Jessica says “Oh I understand now. I read it wrong.” Good save, Jess.

Watermelon to the Face. I’m not a huge fan of slapstick, but I am a huge fan of seeing annoying people get hurt. The Amazing Race is a great show because a bunch of annoying people get to race around the world and get super tired and eat gross things and eventually not win a million dollars. In this challenge, two lesbians (I mean, “Home Shopping Hosts”) have to hit some knights in armor with watermelons. When you’re racing around the world, tasks like this ALWAYS come up. After the girl gets pummeled with a watermelon, her companion has little to no sympathy. “They don’t call it The Amazing Race for nothing.” Now get up off your ass, wipe the fruit out of your hair, and try not to get your big head in the way this time.

Snooki Gets Punched. This is the moment that made Snooki watchable. Before she was socked right in the kisser, she wasn’t memorable or outgoing. It’s almost like she got some sense smacked into her. But no, she’s actually still really dumb. It’s just kind of fun to watch.

Scott Disick Being Perfect. The hilarity that is Scott Disick cannot be contained in one scene. Mr. Disick, beau of Kourtney Kardashian, makes Keeping Up With The Kardashians worth watching. Unforch, it’s impossible for me to pick just one funny Disick moment, so y’all are going to have to do some Kardash research. Marathon anyone?!?!

Susan Boyle Doin’ Her Thang. I know it’s super cheesy, but I love moments like this. This clip makes me never want to judge a book by it’s cover ever again. I’m still going to judge people on their appearances. But books? Never again. The best part about this clip, in my opinion, is Simon’s reaction. You can tell he’s like “Am I on Punk’d?” Classic. Piers is just being annoying. And the girl in the middle is crying her face off.

Teresa Giudice Crazy Town. You really only have to watch the first minute of this clip to understand Teresa Giudice. She makes Jessica Simpson look scholarly. She makes Snooki look lady-like. The worst part is that the woman that Teresa’s fighting, Danielle, is super obnoxious. But Teresa makes her look like a calm and collected reasonable human. Teresa Giudice is what nightmares are made of. Andy Cohen probably had to burn his suit after Teresa touched slammed him.

Alana. Let’s just say, if my child turned out like Alana, I would have 10 kids. Nothing makes me laugh quite like this reality TV moment. TLC really comes up with some genius shows, including, Toddlers and Tiaras. Alana’s mother is frightening, like most beauty pageant moms. But she did something right in raising this child because she’s almost as funny as me. You can hear the cameramen and interviewers laughing in the background of all her scenes. God bless Alana.

 

 

 

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canada, Judging

Know-It-Alls

Apparently there’s a new show on Canada’s Discovery Channel called Canada’s Greatest Know-It-All. Watching this sounds about as appealing as hanging out with my grandpa for the day. Aka the worst.

Being a know-it-all means two things: you have a lot of meaningless knowledge, and you have literally no friends. Why would I want to watch people like that on TV when I wouldn’t want to be around them in real life? I feel like that show would just make me angry. The only people that should be contestants are people in college. Maybe not though. Know-it-alls come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.

This reminds me of another show that I loathe, The Big Bang Theory. Why would I want to watch annoying people talk about science? I’ve given the show a couple chances thinking, “I really hope this gets funny” but it never does. All of the guys on that show are so fugly. Whoever is in charge of costume design should be shot. No one dresses like that. Not funny. AND there’s a laugh track. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of shows that I used to watch that have a laugh track, but with The Big Bang Theory it just seems so forced. Here’s a clip of the show without the laugh track. Its just so so stupid.

Oddly enough, I’ll still watch shows like Hoarders and Toddlers and Tiaras and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Even though I can’t stand the people on those shows, I’m intrigued by their way of life (and by how dumb they are). Okay fine, to be honest I watch Hoarders so I can see houses full of fermented poop, the Kardashians so I can see the love of my life, Scott Disick, and Toddlers and Tiaras so I can be mesmerized by girls like this:

 

 

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