I’ve never really had a real job before. I’ve done a lot of babysitting and my fair share of volunteering, but never a real, certified job. People often ask me what it is that I do and I usually say “nothing” or “sit around” and that ends the conversation. And all future interest in my life.
The only person that would understand my position is Hugh Grant’s character, Will, from About A Boy. In the movie, Will lived off the royalties of his father’s one-hit music career. His love interest asked him what he did for a living, to which he answered “nothing.” I have to keep reminding myself that people are super jealous of me every time someone looks unamused when I say that I don’t have to get up at 7 am. Or ever.
So here’s a list of potential jobs that I actually would be interested in. I’m hopeful that something related to the following list will pop up in my area.
Laser Tag Patrol. If you’ve never played laser tag, you can just get outta my face because you clearly don’t understand the meaning of life. For those of you who have partaken in the sweet enterprise that is laser tag, you know that there are people who hold you in a room and explain how to use your guns and tell you not to run. Being a seasoned tagger, I know that you simply cannot explain to people that they can’t run. They won’t obey you. If I were an employee, I would not only tell the players not to run, but I would trip them if they did. Serves them right for being disobedient. See, if I worked there, not only would you end up getting a good game of laser tag, you would be taking away life lessons as well.
Making movie soundtracks. I’m really good at making mixes. It’s like a gift. One of my friends asked me to make her a mix the other day because she knows that my skills are that good. See, I’m already being commissioned! I haven’t done it yet, but that’s not the point. I really have an ear for what sets a certain mood or scene or time period. I like to think that I know what songs compliment each other. No one wants a soundtrack that doesn’t flow. Maybe I could work in Apple’s Genius division in deciding which bands would go well together. You know that trick on itunes when you buy something and it’s like, “Oh you’ll probably like this band too!” I wonder how many people go on crazy itunes shopping sprees because Apple keeps leading them to music that they might like. Whenever Apple recommends something for me I ignore it. You don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, APPLE.
Professional Animal Playtime Specialist. I really love animals. I love playing with them and rolling around with them. They make life so much better. I love big cats like lions and tigers. I hope to someday hug a lion. If it hugs me before I get mauled, it still counts right? I think in heaven we’ll get to live freely with all of the animals in the world. That’s the only drive I have for going to heaven. I know that animals will be there. Being a Professional Animal Playing Specialist means that I would get to play with the animals and do nothing else. No cleaning up after them, or studying their behavior. Just playtime. I would definitely deem myself a professional AND specialist because I’m just that good.
Sleep Study Guinea Pig. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that being paid to nap would be awesome. Napping is the best thing ever. The little girl I babysit doesn’t like naps. I wish I could say “Okay, I’ll take a nap for you, and you can go take care of your brother.” Apparently that’s not the way it works. I have nothing in my brain to hide. It wouldn’t bother me if someone studied my brain and took pictures of it while I slept soundly. Sounds like a dream. No pun intended. Puns are gross.
If you hear of any openings of the type of jobs I described, please contact me. I would be willing to move everything for a job that I love and that I excel in.