If I Lived In Candyland

A couple of days ago one of the kids I was babysitting brought out Candy Land. A truly classic game.

Firstly, let me just point out that Candy Land is a very Aryan game. Both of the kids are blonde haired and blue eyed. I’m just going to assume that Hitler dreamed about Candy Land during a slumber in his Eagle’s Nest and commissioned someone to make his dream a reality. Those are the game’s origins.

If I were to to travel to Candy Land, I think my adventure would be something like this:

A young Hitler and Eva.

I’m going to be the little girl in the game’s scenario. I grab the little boy’s hand, and we start off on our adventure. Why we’re both dressed in overalls, I don’t know. We come across a plum tree that houses a little green goblin named Plumpy. Plumpy has literally no friends. He’s been banished to the very outskirts of Candy Land because he only eats plums. PLUMS AREN’T EVEN CANDY. Plumpy isn’t of much help to me and my overall-ed companion/brother/life partner so we continue on our way.

The climate changes within seconds. All of a sudden there’s snow on the ground and we’re having trouble breathing. We’ve entered into Peppermint Forest. There’s a really tall, clownish looking man called Mr. Mint. He wears a clashing pink and red poufy outfit yet he claims to be a lumberjack. Mr. Mint might be a woman. Remembering that no one really likes minty candy except for felons and grandparents, we tiptoe out of the forest before Mr. Mint can chop us in half with his candy cane axe.

Running as fast as we can, Billy and I see a castle in the distance. I just decided my partner’s name is Billy, by the way. The castle looks nice enough, but it doesn’t seem to be that sturdy since it’s made of licorice. You would have to be very slender to live there. Luckily, Lord Licorice is of a slight build. He welcomes us and tells us that he can make our wildest dreams come true. Unfortunately neither mine, nor Billy’s dreams involve licorice so we decide to leave the Lord in the dust.

Lord Licorice/ Lord of The Dance.

Becoming more and more fed up with everyone around us, Billy and I try to kill each other. He’s just so stupid with his ugly overalls and striped shirt. He ended up getting stuck on one of those black spots where you have to pick a card of the same color to move again. So he’s basically there for the entire game.

The ground becomes bouncy and sugary. I’ve obviously made the right choice and ditched Billy before the candy started getting good. As I start to cross Gumdrop Pass I meet a weird alien named Jolly. He’s about as memorable as Plumpy. They both have the same body type too–the unfortunate type. I pay him no attention and take a huge bite out of his gumdrop house.

What happens next is the absolute worst. I come across Grandma Nut. I always thought of Candy Land as a variation of heaven. Grandma Nut ruins everything by being old. In my heaven, everyone is young, renewed and perfect. Grandma Nut is old, has no family, and lives in a peanut brittle house. She’ll talk your ear off if you get anywhere near her so cross your fingers that you pull a double red card to avoid any contact. I could imagine her toe nails looking like Brazil nuts.

Grandma Nut's toenails.

I follow the signs to Lollypop Woods. Princess Lolly resides here. She’s one of the best people in Candy Land solely based on her crown made of lollypops. And she curtsies. No one curtsies anymore! Still, Princess Lolly lives way too close to Grandma Nut in order for me to be fully comfortable, so I continue on my way. Bye Lolly. I love you.

Hands down the best place to be is Queen Frostine’s Ice Cream Sea. I’ll admit that ice cream isn’t typically considered candy, but I’m willing to make an exception. Queen Frostine is a real hottie. Lolly is cute, but not on the same hotness scale as the Queen. Is Lolly her real daughter? Why don’t either of them live in the castle with King Candy? Is King Candy supposed to symbolize God? BURNING QUESTIONS.

She could do way better than King Candy.

I start walking away from the Ice Cream Sea. Not because I’m full, but because my head hurts from trying to answer life’s questions. The ground starts to get sticky and thick. I’ve entered Molasses Swamp. Gloppy is there ready to eat me. And he does. Gloppy is scary as hell. I don’t remember ever finishing a game of Candy Land. Gloppy would usually dissuade me from further play time. Kids don’t like to think about molasses. I don’t even know what molasses is and I’m in my mid-20’s.

I hope you liked my adventures in Candy Land!