Lily Playing Jeopardy

Every weeknight my husband watches Jeopardy and I join him on occasion. I have trouble answering a lot of the questions, or questioning a lot of the answers, as you do on Jeopardy. Sometimes I’ll be familiar with a category and start thinking of possible answers before the questions are even asked. By doing so, I manage to make Jeopardy the least fun activity ever.

Let’s say someone picks the category Bible Books By Story. Here’s what it would be like to watch with me:

Some loser on the show named Sheila or something dumb: I’ll take Bible Books for $200 Alex.

Me: Ugh don’t call him Alex.

Alex: A great fish swallows a reluctant prophet.

Me: Who is John?

Sheila: Who is Jonah?

Alex: Correct!

Me: Oh yeah. I knew it started with a ‘J’.

Sheila: Let’s continue the category for $400.

Me: Yes, let’s.

Alex: Moas and boas are loaded into Noah’s ark.

Me: John?

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: Right!

Me: Oh yeah. I forgot about that one.

Sheila: Bible Books for $600 please.

Alex: 3 friends are thrown into a fiery furnace.

Me: I’m gonna go with John.

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: No sorry.

Me: HAH you already guessed Genesis you loser. Geeze Sheila, figure out the Bible already.

Sheila: Bible Books $800.

Alex: Shamgar, one of the title arbiters, kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad.

Me: Wtf is an ox goad? I’m pretty sure that was John.

Sheila: What is Judges?

Alex: Yes!

Me: Calm down Alex.

Sheila: Finish the category please.

Alex: Thomas doubts the other Apostles have really met the risen Jesus.

Me: John?

Shelia: Idk

Alex: Ooo sorry. The answer is John.

Me:

Act Natural

I just hate all of them so so much.

I used to think that I was going to be an actress. I must have had crack sprinkled on my chicken nuggets as a child because I can’t think of a reason why anyone would want to pursue that career.

For some reason my parents supported my ridiculous life choices and let me take actor’s workshops. Why couldn’t thay have pushed me into Russian ballet? One year I did two excerpts from plays that I don’t remember the names of. They went well so I decided to try it again.

In the next workshop I did, I was in one mini play with this other girl. It was about Noah’s Ark or something like that. I played Mrs. Noah and the other girl played a bumble bee. Looking back, this made no sense. During the play I forgot my lines, and instead of improvising, I ran off stage crying. Like, full dramatic crying. I refused to go back on and try it again. It was definitely my most memorable performance. Following that traumatic experience, I was in A Bug’s Life play ( I guess they can make anything into a play…?) and I was a minor character. After that, I buried my dream of being an actress along with my dream of being a pokemon trainer. Never gonna catch em all.

I babysit two days a week and I can’t help noticing the actors on children’s shows. They’re the worst. Also, what part of a person has to completely die in order for them to agree to “act” in a children’s show? I would gladly volunteer for a lobotomy before I did that.

Adult actors on children’s shows are so cringe-worthy. As if I already didn’t want to end my life because I’m watching a show called The Fresh Beat Band, now I have to see people my age singing, dancing, and making the worst jokes ever. It’s painful. Look at  the guy in the yellow and blue getup. His name on the show is Twist. He bothers me the most. He bothers me SO much that I had to find out his real name on IMDB. His real name is Jon Beavers. Sucks to be him.

I literally cannot look away when this show is on because it’s so awful. Here’s a taste.