Analyzing Avril

If your eyes haven’t had the pleasure of watching Avril Lavigne’s new music video, “Hello Kitty”, you’re probably 84 years old and don’t own a computer. Or even know who Avril is. If that’s the case, would you be willing to trade lives with me?

The mistress of Nickelback has made the entire world cringe with her new song and “dance moves.” The song itself is kind of difficult to understand and not just because some of the lyrics are in Japanese. I’ve listened to the song twice now and all I call decipher are the words “Come come kitty kitty, you’re so pretty pretty.” The next poet laureate, perhaps?

I’d like to give Avril an ounce of credit and assume that someone else wrote this song for her and when she read the title, “Hello Kitty”, she was like, “Oh God. Really? Okay.” So maybe it’s not totally her fault. But I have to give her props for singing a song that makes “Sk8er Boi” sound like something performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

As for the music video, it’s painful to imagine that these are the BEST shots the director could get. Basically Avril dances around in cupcake tutus, blazers, and unflattering tights. She’s followed around by four identically dressed Japanese (I’m assuming) women who don’t look the least bit happy to be trailing this Canadian wannabe around all day. I imagine that the direction given to Avril on set was like “Okay can you just jump around or something? Maybe try to mouth the lyrics like you’re actually saying the words? Try to strum the guitar like you know how to play the guitar.” The beginning of the video seems like Avril is pretty into what she’s doing but by the end, it kind of falls apart. Her heart just isn’t in it. Which is probably a good thing.

If you care to ruin your life by watching this terrible POS, be my guest. CLICK HERE.

Star-Crossed Canadian Lovers

I don’t use the phrase “literally scarier than 9/11”  often, but the lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are engaged.

Don’t look for too long–you might turn into stone.

I didn’t even know this duo was dating. Mostly due to the fact that I like to pretend that Chad Kroeger doesn’t exist. Same with Avril’s teeth. Her fangs are crazier than any vampire’s. But I guess vampires are in right now?  Regardless, dating Chad Kroeger is NOT in. Getting engaged to him is social suicide.

This Canadian couple has me wondering if I made a mistake by entering their country of origin. I even called it my home once or twice! Can I take that back? Pretend it never happened?

I’ve heard that if you say the name Chad Kroeger 3 times in your bathroom with the lights turned off, Chad Kroeger actually appears and sings you an entire Nickelback album. Isn’t that horrifying? Like Bloody Mary but way worse.

I’m really depressed for Avril because I think she’s punishing herself. Think about it. She was dating Brody Jenner. And now she’s engaged to someone named Chad. She must have thought that she had to atone for Brody breaking up with her. This way she can serve the rest of her years knowing that she paid the price for letting Brody slip through her fingers.

She could’ve been engaged to this!

Is Chad Kroeger considered a Sk8er Boi? If so, how can we rid the world of all Sk8er Bois? Also, do you think Avril is going to wear a tie with her wedding dress a la her Complicated music video? What a style icon she was. Her taste in men also seems to be very complicated.

If you don’t catch my drift, basically what I’m trying to say is that both Avril and Chad are super gross, and scary. But seriously, I’m almost positive that this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.