I know I’m kind of late on the uptake, but I thought I would share my tips and tricks on choosing teams for March Madness brackets. Keep in mind that I’ve never made a bracket before because it’s not fair for me to use my all-knowing powers to take people’s money. But I do enjoy saying the word bracket.
And let me just point out that I love the alliteration that March Madness forces on everyone.
If you’re having trouble choosing between two schools and can’t tell who’ll win, first study the team. And by team, I mean the uniforms. If one of the teams has awful uniforms and the other has a nice color combo, unique lettering, or cute warm-ups, then you know you have a winning team. Like, isn’t it obvious that Colorado State would win with their emerald green uniforms over Missouri’s weird yellow ones? Duh.
If the team uniforms are equally classy or equally awful, judge the mascots. A mascot can really define a team. For example, in the Oregon vs. Saint Louis game on Sunday, you know that Saint Louis will lose terribly because their mascot is a Billiken. It’s like, really? You are going to be a losing team with a stupid mascot like that. Why would you even be a university with a Billiken representing you? I’m assuming none of you know what a Billiken is, which is good. I’m going keep you in the dark with this one because your life will be way better without knowing. So mark my words, Oregon will win. (And if they don’t, that Billiken is obviously some kind of devil charm.)
If you still can’t make up your mind, you’re clearly really indecisive and shouldn’t be betting your money. Another way you can tell which team will be victorious is by judging the school/city/state. For example, in the New Mexico vs. Harvard game, I think it was pretty obvious that Haaavard was going to win. Who even lives in New Mexico? Bad basketball players, that’s who.
Lastly, if all else fails, go with your gut. Sometimes dumb luck works. But don’t blame me when you’re out $200 because you bet on Minnesota instead of UCLA.