March Madness

I know I’m kind of late on the uptake, but I thought I would share my tips and tricks on choosing teams for March Madness brackets. Keep in mind that I’ve never made a bracket before because it’s not fair for me to use my all-knowing powers to take people’s money. But I do enjoy saying the word bracket.

And let me just point out that I love the alliteration that March Madness forces on everyone.Basketball

If you’re having trouble choosing between two schools and can’t tell who’ll win, first study the team. And by team, I mean the uniforms. If one of the teams has awful uniforms and the other has a nice color combo, unique lettering, or cute warm-ups, then you know you have a winning team. Like, isn’t it obvious that Colorado State would win with their emerald green uniforms over Missouri’s weird yellow ones? Duh.

If the team uniforms are equally classy or equally awful, judge the mascots. A mascot can really define a team. For example, in the Oregon vs. Saint Louis game on Sunday, you know that Saint Louis will lose terribly because their mascot is a Billiken. It’s like, really? You are going to be a losing team with a stupid mascot like that. Why would you even be a university with a Billiken representing you? I’m assuming none of you know what a Billiken is, which is good. I’m going keep you in the dark with this one because your life will be way better without knowing. So mark my words, Oregon will win. (And if they don’t, that Billiken is obviously some kind of devil charm.)

I can't even explain the nightmares I'm going to have.

I can’t even explain the nightmares I’m going to have.

If you still can’t make up your mind, you’re clearly really indecisive and shouldn’t be betting your money. Another way you can tell which team will be victorious is by judging the school/city/state. For example, in the New Mexico vs. Harvard game, I think it was pretty obvious that Haaavard was going to win. Who even lives in New Mexico? Bad basketball players, that’s who.

Lastly, if all else fails, go with your gut. Sometimes dumb luck works. But don’t blame me when you’re out $200 because you bet on Minnesota instead of UCLA.

P0wning N3wbs, School

Be Cool

During my precious pre-teen years, I realized that sometimes cheating, being dishonest, and manipulating situations made you “cool”. When we’re young our parents teach us to be honest and obedient, but that literally gets you no where in the eyes of your peers. You have to lie, not get caught, and be cool.

As early as middle school, I remember teachers assigning homework and then asking our class the next day if they had given us homework. Our class would all kind of look around and shake our heads, nope…I don’t seem to remember any homework being assigned. But there would always be one kid, and all it takes is ONE kid, saying “Yeah, we did guys! All the problems on page 75!” And then everyone glares at them and then they never have any friends ever again. That’s just the way it works.

One time (and thankfully the only time) my family went to visit my cousins who live in Minnesota. Even at the ripe age of 7 I knew that Minnesota sucked. During dinner one night, my cousins and I were throwing rocks in a parking lot. I, of course, hit a car with my rock because I have such a great throwing arm. My cousins freaked out and said they were going to tell my parents. Ummm DUDE. Shouldn’t we have some secret cousin pact where we don’t tell on each other? Nope. They told on me and I haven’t spoken to them since. I wish I was kidding.

You're killin' me, Smalls.

Manipulating teachers is definitely the trickiest situation. It usually works in PE because gym teachers have the same IQ as a Kardashian. It all depends on timing. You actually have to suffer first to make this work. Wait for a strenuous gym day, like running the mile. Everyone hates that unit. A mile isn’t very long, but in high school it is. Except for cross country weirdos. After you run the mile, you definitely deserve a break. The next day, tell the teacher that they promised the class would play dodge ball after running yesterday. They’ll question you for a bit, but just stand strong–You’ll be playing dodge ball in no time. Once you’ve conquered gym teachers, you can pretty much control anyone.

Life lessons brought to you by Lily.