St. Patrick’s Day: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I would say, “Kiss me, I’m Irish!” But I’m actually Irish and I don’t want to be kissed by any of you. No offense. I decided to highlight some of my favorite things about St. Patty’s day and some of my least favorite things that remotely relate to Ireland.

The Good:

Wearing green. I actually look really great in green so today happens to make my beauty a focal point. I joke, I joke. But in all seriousness, it really brings people together when everyone is wearing the same color. It makes you feel like you’re a part of something, because, lets face it, none of us are really a part of anything. We’re just floating around in life. Wearing green gives us something to do. And it shows that you made a conscious effort to dress up for a weird holiday. I really like the idea of punching people that don’t wear green. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Or did I make that up because that’s what I actually want to do.

The Disney movie The Luck of the Irish. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with this, but this movie made a mark on my childhood. It’s incredibly cheesy. This is how IMDB.com describes it: “A teenager must battle for a gold charm to keep his family from being controlled by an evil leprechaun.” Obviously the story is more complex than that. The teenager, Kyle, starts turning into a leprechaun after the family’s luck starts disappearing. His mom starts turning into a leprechaun too. Some other stuff happens. Kyle’s grandpa’s name is Reilly O’Reilly which is my favorite name ever next to the bad guy’s name which is Seamus McTiernen. I remember forcing my dad to watch this movie all the while he was probably wondering how his child grew up to be a semi-retarded pre-teen. But I think he secretly liked it. I still have it on VHS if anyone wants to borrow it.

Oh, and Kyle plays basketball and eventually beats the evil leprechaun in a nail-biting game.

The Bad:

Shamrock Shakes. No, McDonald’s. NO. No one like’s mint flavored shakes. Don’t bring them back. Think of a different green item to serve us. Green eggs and ham perhaps? Green sausage patties would even be acceptable. But Shamrock Shakes are just gross and weird. Plus, there aren’t even any shamrocks in the recipe. That’s so misleading. And while you’re at it, get rid of that Egg Nog crap you sell around Christmas. No one likes that.

St. Patty’s Day not being an actual holiday. What I mean by that is, no one gets off school or work for St. Patrick’s day. Apparently, St. Patrick banished all snakes from Ireland. What a legend. I would love to banish a species, especially a gross one like snakes. Patty knew what was up. And now we celebrate him. You know how people say to keep Christ in Christmas? Well maybe more people should keep St. Patrick in St. Patrick’s Day. Just let that one sink in for a bit. If it’s going to be a true holiday, then let’s not do anything. PLEASE. Who can I talk to about this?

No one mentioned that St. Patrick was a giant. HE'S HOLDING A CHURCH.

The Ugly:

Bono. How can I get him to just go away forever?

Burgers Bein’ Thrown

I pledge allegiance to the golden arches.

I can’t believe I didn’t write about this sooner! Near Victoria, a man went to the McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered 6 burgers. You know something is already off with this guy because no one orders 6 burgers. Unless he has 5 family members that all have the exact same order, or he’s just immensely fat. Either scenario would make him a creep/pedophile.

After he gets his order, he storms inside and tells the employees that his food isn’t hot enough. Sorry mister, but have you ever had the pleasure of dining at Mickey D’s before? Nothing is hot except for the fries. Also, things tend to cool when you throw them down your gullet at warp speed.

The kind servants at McDonald’s re-made his entire order from scratch. JK, they just threw some more burgers in a bag and hoped for the best. I should work there. The unnamed man took a bite out of a new burger, spit it out like a caveman, and “hurled the bag of burgers at the manager.”

You have to be out of your mind to make a scene at McDonald’s. This is an establishment where people come to eat their feelings, not dine like kings. Have you ever seen someone look at their BigMac like it’s a quality meal? No. They frown and give a I-can’t-believe-I’m-doing-this-again look.

The report notes that the crazy man was arrested and set up with a court date. The manager was not hurt by the bag of burgers. He’s pretty much the hero of our generation.

Dear Property Brothers, I think I love you.

Drew and Jonathan. Or Jonathan and Drew. Does it really matter?

Whilst watching TV with my mom in bed (Yep. That happens here.) we were flipping around the channels and my mom turned on HGTV. That’s usually about the time that I peace out, but since I couldn’t feel the lower part of my body after eating McDonald’s, I decided to stay.

This show called “The Property Brothers” was on and guess what? It takes place in Canada! I was immediately intrigued. Basically, couples seek out these twin bros (the property brothers) to help them find their perfect house. The couples are eventually told that they won’t be able to afford their dream house, and that they’ll have to settle for a cheaper, fugly one instead. Lots of disappointment. But then the property bros fix up the fugly houses and make them look like perfect dream homes. Magic! Pure Canadian magic!

Paul and I live in an apartment. But eventually, we would like to be homeowners. To be completely honest, the only reason that I want to move into a house is so I can have a dog. Our apartment doesn’t allow pets. Which is a sick joke. I obviously have no other choice but to seduce the property brothers into making me us my our perfect home. This is literally the best and only plan of action I have. These brothers have to be around in 3 years, right? Right. If not, I will track them down and force them to work for me. Seems like a good way to make friends.

It’s already a lot of work living in an apartment and I literally sit around all day. I can’t imagine the work that goes into owning a house. I mean, I can imagine it since I’ve watched my parents do lots of house stuff over the years, but they made it look easy. Or maybe they made it look hard. Either way, I was probably immersed in finding various ways to waste time to even care. But now I care. And now it’s too late. So I need the property brothers.

*Side note: My parents would definitely help with any homeowner problems that we would have in the future, but I like doing things myself. And since I can’t do this on my own, I need the prop bros. Get it?

Mickey D’s

I'm not lovin this.

McDonald’s is everywhere. Most children are introduced to McDonald’s when they leave the womb. Lets be real: McDonald’s is the best worst food ever. The only places that have a lack of Micky D’s goodness are Greenland, the Middle East, and pretty much all of Africa (but they barely have clothes so lets cut them some slack……….or lets not. I’m pretty sure some McDonald’s locations would solve their AIDS prob).

In all of the countries that I’ve visited, I was not surprised when I saw the popular chain make an appearance. They’re all pretty much the same, but I’ve heard a rumor that McDonald’s in Japan have sushi!  And we can’t forget about the Royale with Cheese. And I guess in the German locations they serve beer. Which seems illegal and fun.

None of these changes bother me as much as what Canada does to their McDonald’s. In the middle of the Golden Arches, Canada has decided to put a tiny maple leaf. Was that really necessary? No other country does that with their flag. All of the countries in the world (besides the losers–I’m talking to you Greenland) bond by having the same restaurant. I think that’s what Winston Churchill was talking about when he mentioned our “Special Relationship”.

But once again Canada ruined it. Really though? When I caught a glimpse of that maple leaf I think I did a quadruple take. It just seems un-American. Oh wait.