Wanted: New Wardrobe For Katy Perry

This has been a very traumatizing morning for me. First, I get news of Reese Witherspoon naming her new baby boy Tennessee James. Out of all the baby names in the world, she picks Tennessee. This isn’t the 20’s. What’s his nick name going to be? Tenny? Ness? TJ? Barf. I just can’t deal with this news so early in the morning. Another tidbit of info, for those of you who keep tabs on Jersey Shore members (I’m assuming I’m the only one), JWOWW is engaged. If you’re not already married or engaged, just remember that a girl who calls herself JWOWW is engaged before you.

Onto the most annoying part of my morning. I mean, besides the person that’s hammering outside my window. I wake up to find Katy Perry dressed like this:

The popcorn coming out the bottom of the dress my final straw. What’s yours?!

I’ve put up with this for way too long. You’re 27 years old. Dressing like that makes you look like you’re playing dress-up on ecstasy. Stop it. I know you think it’s “your thing” or whatever. I get it. But it’s time to move on. Your songs are cute, and you could be cute too. But instead you look like you didn’t get to have a childhood or something. Which you probably didn’t. But don’t punish my eyes because of it.

Also, the clothes you wear are helping you attract the worst guys ever. Case in point: Russell Brand. When you and Russell started dating I was like, “Aww that’s cute. Two freaks found love.” And then when you got married, and quickly divorced, I knew that even Russell was like “Wtf are you wearing?” And that’s saying a lot coming from someone who’s never brushed their hair since birth.

I have no words.

Then you went on to date Hollywood’s sloppy seconds, John Mayer. Yes, John Mayer, the guy who said his penis is racist because it doesn’t like black girls. THAT GUY. And this is all because of your stupid clothes.

You live in LA. There are clothing stores on every street. How hard is it to find a t-shirt and jeans? And can you stay away from the hair dye and wigs for like two seconds? I know you’re dying to be unique and quirky and grab everyone’s attention, but it’s been done now, okay? Same goes to Taylor Swift’s curly hair. It’s like, okay, we get it. You have curly hair.

Katy, I hope this message finds you well. XOXO

(PS. I saw your movie alone because no one would go with me. So, I actually do care. You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind.)

Childhood Lost

A couple days ago I asked Paul if he was going to see Disney Pixar’s Brave with me. He replied, “Ughh no. That’s for kids.” Yes. Kids and 24 year old girls named Lily. Childhood goes by so quickly and all the fun stuff you do when you’re young is frowned upon when you’re older. Why is that? Why can’t childhood last forever? Why do we have to grow up and clean things and pay taxes and pretend to care about politics and the earth and other people? Childhood was such a selfish time. Maybe that’s why I miss it.

I remember my first taste of people making me feel bad for unleashing my inner child was during my first year of college in Utah. It was October and my friends and I wanted to go trick or treating. So we did. We got a lot of weird looks from parents and children that we passed on the street. I distinctly remembering a woman asking us, “Aren’t you a little old to be trick or treating?” We said uhhh no? She then said, “Are you going to go sit on Santa’s lap too?” You know what lady? WHAT IF I AM? Just because you’re an old skank, doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the holidays!

I take the kids I babysit to McDonald’s more than the average person should eat there. It’s turning into Supersize Me. Which I’m totes okay with. Every so often I have to help one of them get into the Play Place. It’s usually the youngest who can’t reach the top step or something like that. I’ll look around the room, trying to suppress my desire to climb to the top and go down the slide over and over. I would no doubt be king of the castle and everyone else would be my dirty rascals. I’ve given into temptation a couple of times. Some of the parents smile and some look the other way. Yeah, they better look the other way or else they’re gonna get a milkshake straight to the face.

I also experience the same hate/jealousy around vacation time. My family has been going to Disney World since I was a wee lass. I remember in high school and college people would ask me where I was going for Spring Break. I wouldn’t say Miami or Cabo or LA. I would tell them I was going to Disney World. I could tell they thought I was lame, but you know what? There are probably more adults visiting Disney World than kids. And maybe I enjoy getting an autograph from my favorite Disney characters every so often. And seeing fireworks every night. And walking down Main Street USA. Whatevs.

Paul and I had Netflix for a bit. It was okay but the selection of movies wasn’t superb. One day while Paul was at work, I was checking out Netflix and I saw that they had episodes of Rugrats available! Without batting an eye I ordered one episode and re-lived a bit of my childhood. When Paul came home from work he said, “I know what you’ve been doing.” I looked at him like he was a psycho. Then he said “How was Rugrats?” How did he know?!?! I guess Netflix had sent him an email that said, “Hope you enjoyed your viewing of Rugrats!” We canceled our Netflix subscription after that.

People are always going to judge you when you do things to make yourself happy. Don’t listen to them! Like philosopher/songstress Natasha Bedingfield said, Release your inhibitions! If you want to reminisce and feel like a kid again, you should. I got fro-yo two nights ago and covered it in rainbow sprinkles like I was 5 years old because I don’t care what anyone thinks. Be happy, have fun, be yourself.

This is war

Hes like an angel. An angel named Shia.

Intense drama is happening over the border. The USA’s lovely Shia LeBeouf who starred in Even Stevens, Holes, Disturbia, and other movies that aren’t as good, was beaten up yesterday in Vancouver. I don’t know if Canadians have received the memo, but Shia is a gem amongst Americans. And he happens to be my first true love (sorry Paul). Imagine, I could have been Lily LeBeouf. Has a certain ring to it, dontcha think?

I can almost assume that Shia was minding his own business as he was leaving the pub where he was battered. I mean, he’s never been in trouble before (besides the time he was arrested in Chicago after refusing to leave a Walgreens….and that time that he got a DUI in LA). I feel bad for him. How would you like it if some fat Canadian man came up and started punching you? Sounds like my worst nightmare.

Canadians have to learn to control their obviously insane tempers. From now on, if anyone that I don’t know personally even tries to exchange glances with me, I am calling the authorities mounties. If Canada thinks they can unfairly attack our nation’s shining star (and my soul mate) then I am going to personally punch every celeb who has some connection to the great white north. I urge you to join me on this fight against evil.

Here’s the video of Shia basically fighting for his life: