Godspeed, Kim Kardashian

What’s wrong with you, you crazy slut?

I see you’ve been off the pill.

What if your child is one gigantic butt?

Did you realize that you’re legally married to Kris Humphries still?

Kanye must be feeling proud—giving you his seed.

He’ll probably want to dress you though–he seems to feel the need.

Buying new pregnancy clothes could end up being fun.

It’s unfortunate that you’ll gain 50 pounds before you’re done.

To think of Khloe in all this must upset you.

She’s always wanted a baby too.

You probably don’t care because you all compete.

Khloe is stuck babysitting Rob. And we know they like to eat.

How do you come up with such good money-making schemes?

It’s almost as if you plan all of those dramatic reality scenes.

First it was a sex tape, then of course a fake marriage,

I didn’t think you would ever find more ways for disparage.

But now you’re stuck with Kanye,

There will always be a link,

He rapped about avoiding gold diggers,

Being stuck with you, well, that’s gotta stink.

I hope you pick a good baby name,

I hope it’s something the public can stand.

Maybe something more traditional and tame

Instead of Penelope Scotland.

Be Cool

During my precious pre-teen years, I realized that sometimes cheating, being dishonest, and manipulating situations made you “cool”. When we’re young our parents teach us to be honest and obedient, but that literally gets you no where in the eyes of your peers. You have to lie, not get caught, and be cool.

As early as middle school, I remember teachers assigning homework and then asking our class the next day if they had given us homework. Our class would all kind of look around and shake our heads, nope…I don’t seem to remember any homework being assigned. But there would always be one kid, and all it takes is ONE kid, saying “Yeah, we did guys! All the problems on page 75!” And then everyone glares at them and then they never have any friends ever again. That’s just the way it works.

One time (and thankfully the only time) my family went to visit my cousins who live in Minnesota. Even at the ripe age of 7 I knew that Minnesota sucked. During dinner one night, my cousins and I were throwing rocks in a parking lot. I, of course, hit a car with my rock because I have such a great throwing arm. My cousins freaked out and said they were going to tell my parents. Ummm DUDE. Shouldn’t we have some secret cousin pact where we don’t tell on each other? Nope. They told on me and I haven’t spoken to them since. I wish I was kidding.

You're killin' me, Smalls.

Manipulating teachers is definitely the trickiest situation. It usually works in PE because gym teachers have the same IQ as a Kardashian. It all depends on timing. You actually have to suffer first to make this work. Wait for a strenuous gym day, like running the mile. Everyone hates that unit. A mile isn’t very long, but in high school it is. Except for cross country weirdos. After you run the mile, you definitely deserve a break. The next day, tell the teacher that they promised the class would play dodge ball after running yesterday. They’ll question you for a bit, but just stand strong–You’ll be playing dodge ball in no time. Once you’ve conquered gym teachers, you can pretty much control anyone.

Life lessons brought to you by Lily.

Top 1000

Gift from the gods.

Last night I reached 1000 views on my blog! Just so you know, I played no part in 994 of those views. I feel like this joyous moment should be commemorated with my list of 1000’s.  I do not have 1000 items on this list, and its definitely not a “1000 things to do before you die” type of thing. Its just a compilation of things in life that contain the number 1000.

I’m pretty sure I’ve missed 1000 days of class Kindergarten-Undergrad. School is just so…mundane.

There are definitely 1000 people that I can’t stand. I will name 20 just so you get an idea. Susan Sarandon, Joy Behar, Guiliana Rancic, Kris Humphries, LuAnn de Lesseps, Teresa Guidice, Casey Anthony, Bono, Julianne Moore, Martha Stewart, Jennifer Aniston, Kristen Stewart, Kelly Ripa, Kelly Bensimon, George Lopez, Alison Pill, Dakota Fanning, Jenna Fischer, Anne Hathaway, Blake Lively.

The profusion of 1000 flowers to make the smell of Flowerbomb perfume by Viktor & Rolf. Come to think of it, I use 1000 sprays daily.

The number of times I have been to Disney World.

The amount of calories I usually eat in 5 minutes.

How many steps I won’t be taking on a walk today.

The number of strange dogs I have pet.

How much I weigh. Yep, in pounds.

The time when Paul said David Gray’s album was in his top 1000 albums. Hahahaa

Number of times that Avril Lavigne’s teeth have mesmerized me.

Times I have watched Clueless. And Titanic.

Barbie’s I have given a haircut.

Number of sports I don’t like.

Number of bugs that freak me out.

The amount of tater tots I can eat.

The amount of times I have randomly burst into tears.

How many times I wish I wasn’t washing dishes.

The number of Pokemon I wish were real.

Times I wished I looked like Frida Pinto.

Times I’ve laughed at my own jokes.