Neapolitan, More Like Neapoopitan

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Whoever invented Neapolitan ice cream is a total psycho. Turns out it’s those damn Italians. Well, just the ones from Naples. Neapolitan immigrants brought their awesome ice cream recipes to the cool side of the pond a.k.a. the new world a.k.a. the U.S.A. a.k.a. Italy is gross. I’m not saying Italians don’t know how to make delicious foods, because they definitely do. Gelato is amaze maze–I’m super grateful for whoever invented that. And remember in Eat Pray Love when Julia Robert’s character has an eating frenzy in Naples because the pizza tastes like heaven? She eats so much that her pants don’t fit. She would. However, Neapolitan ice cream is just downright wrong.

Okay, I’m gonna have to ask you to calm down about the pizza.

Apparently Neapolitan ice cream is a variation (almost an evolution) of spumoni. Let it be said that spumoni is good and Neapolitan isn’t. Have you ever been to a party where someone brings out the ice cream and it’s Neapolitan? It’s super lazy. The host thinks they’re being super creative by fulfilling everyone’s dessert wishes in one, but little do they know, no one wins when Neapolitan is served. It puts an immediate damper on all of the fun food times that everyone’s having. First of all, kids don’t know what Neapolitan is. They can barely pronounce the word. Hell, I can barely pronounce it. Strike one, Italians.

Secondly, people don’t always love chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Usually guests will favor only one of those flavors. And I can tell you right now it’s definitely not all of them mixed together. Neapolitan is basically served block style with the flavors packed in vertical strips. If you request vanilla, you’re going to get vanilla with a little bit of chocolate. If you want chocolate, expect some vanilla and strawb, and if you want strawberry, I hope you like chocolate covered strawberry ice cream! It’s an impossible task to get one flavor without getting a bit of another flavor in it.

Ice cream should not look like a brick.

The vanilla is always a neon yellow color. Like, a color that isn’t even found in nature. The strawberry stripe tastes like…not strawberry. It doesn’t even have strawberry chunks in it or anything! And chocolate ice cream always tastes like coffee to me, so I’m probably not the best judge for that one. Except I do enjoy a good old fashioned Frosty. R.I.P. Dave Thomas.

I hope that we can all agree that ice cream isn’t worth eating unless it’s delicious. I don’t want to waste my precious daily calorie intake on ice cream that tastes grody. I’d rather eat something that never gets old and has a cute name like Cookie Dough, or Baked Alaska, or Pralines and Cream. Not Neapolitan.

canada, Surroundings

Dear Canada, You’re Really Gross

Last March, Canada’s government legalized brothels “in an attempt to make prostitution less dangerous for those employed as sex workers.” Isn’t prostitution supposed to be dangerous? Isn’t that the risk you take by becoming a prostitute? Plus, brothels are so 1700’s.

The legalization of brothels and pimping only pertains to Ontario. Are Ontarians on crazy pills? Why would you allow this to be okay? People selling their bodies for money is so gross. And sad. Shouldn’t we discourage this from happening? But who knows, maybe it will make prostitution into a fun thing, like Pretty Woman tried to do. Julia Roberts isn’t even pretty. That movie is misleading in more ways than one. A more realistic ending would’ve included Richard Gere finding out that he has gonorrhea and kicking Julia to the curb.

Your tub has every STD now.

On April 25, prostitutes will be able to hire body guards since life is so dangerous for them. Body guards aren’t going to stop you from getting AIDS. But do whatever you feel, crazies. Really though, who needs a body guard besides Whitney Houston and the Kardashians? Even then, no one protected Kim from getting flour-bombed. And no one protected Whitney from marrying Bobby Brown and getting super drugged up and cray. RIP Whit Whit.

The person that did this is my favorite.

Oh whew! Don’t worry guys, propositioning clients in public will still be illegal. That means they can’t come up to your car and say “Hey, want some sex?” That’s what they say, right? I wonder if brothels are going to put up signs and advertisements and stuff. I don’t think that’s illegal. Will they be able to set up camp in a house? Or can they actually buy storefront property? What would be a good name for a brothel? Lot’s O’ Sex? Hmmm I don’t know. If a brothel was set up in Victoria, I know for sure it would be called The Velvet Crease. That’s already the name of a store here–it paints a vivid picture, don’tcha think?

All in all, this is gross. I really can’t believe I wrote about it for this long. If you’re thinking of moving to Ontario, you might want to invest in a chastity belt.