Tough People With Good Hearts

Jillian Michaels, Gordon Ramsay, and Tabatha Coffey. When most people think of these gems they think: harsh, mean, and loud. I, cannot disagree with that. For some reason, however, I am comforted by them. There is something about these three that rings true to me. They will scream at people, walk out on them, and maybe even call them stupid. But the fact of the matter is, deep down, they’re trying to help people. Instead of fighting for them, they help people fight for themselves.

Jillian Michaels is one tough cookie. She was my introduction into tough people with good hearts. I’m sure I’ve met others throughout my life that are like her, but on a much smaller scale. When I would watch The Biggest Loser contestants on her team I would say “Ha! Good luck!” as I wolfed down a third brownie. But honestly, I think she had the best team results on the show. She really drove people to do the best the could. Of course she’s made contestants cry and scream, but in the end, I think they were thankful for having her push them that hard. Jillian Michaels famously said, “Unless you puke, faint, or die, keep going!” Soooo my death will be what makes you say “Okay maybe we should take a break.”? Good to know.

“DO YOU WANT TO BE FAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE???” Umm if it means you’ll stop yelling at me, sure.

Gordon Ramsay knows his stuff when it comes to the kitchen and he has no tolerance when others don’t. He’ll slam down sloppily made dishes and he’ll kick out people who talk back and make excuses. He has a soft side though. I’ve seen it. When I was watching Hotel Hell (apparently he knows a lot about the hotel business as well??) last week, he came across this young man working in a crappy hotel kitchen. He connected with the guy so much that Gordon offered to pay all of his college tuition for him just so he could get the opportunities he needed to do great things. Hey may call people “f-ing donkeys”, but I think he’s a good person.

Do people actually use knife sharpeners?

Tabatha Coffey looks as if she’s about to bite your head off at all times. Ms. Coffey is perhaps the least popular of the bunch. She stars on the show, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover where she helps sinking salons find their place in the business again. Of course there’s a lot of drama involved. She gets in some great fights. I”m recommending some quality television, so take note. At the end of each episode, the salon owners and employees are so thankful that she came and rescued their dying shop. Tabatha makes people feel more confident and in control. Unless they’re stupid and don’t listen to her. In which case she’ll pull a Donald–“You’re Fired!”

And I give you the blonde version of Kris Jenner.

I’m sure in real life I would be extremely turned off by these three toughies. Maybe the reason I like them so much is because I’m safe in my house, watching them through a screen.

If I Won the Lottery…

Winning the lottery seems like everyone’s dream. To get rich quick, without having to do any work. The Mega Millions lottery was up to  $656 million last week. For all you simpletons out there, that’s a lot of moolah. My husband was saying, “Yeah, but the United States takes out taxes from your winnings, so you would only get half of that.” True. But I think I could somehow make $328 million go a long way. Damn you Canada for not taking taxes out of your lotto money.

This would be the break down of where my money would go if I won the lottery. I’m not going to calculate any exact amounts so all you math people can just chillax for a couple of minutes okay?

1. I would give 10% of it to my church and then 10% to my husband’s church. Seems like a large sum, but that’s how you get into heaven guys. If I won the lottery and got into heaven, I really wouldn’t have a lot to complain about, would I? A world without complaints from Lily? Seems like a pretty messed up place.

2. I would give a chunk to a charity–preferably one having to do with animal rescue. Maybe specific animals like big cats, or elephants or puppies. And then I could live my dream of being around all of my animals friends.  I should just go into the jungle, start wearing a diaper, and become Mowgli already.

Me and Baloo, just hanging.

3. I would buy a house for Paul and myself, and one for my parents and a condo for my broski. He doesn’t quite deserve house status yet. I would probably buy them somewhere sunny and warm. Southern style. Or Floridian beach style.

4. I would go on a shopping spree. Nothing too crazy, just some things that would make my wardrobe stand out a little more. Maybe buy a David Yurman ring…I don’t know. Just throwing ideas around.

5. Personal trainer and home chef. Two necessities that aren’t really necessary. It would be great to have people make you healthy meals instead of foraging around the kitchen for something to eat. I would actually hire Bob Harper, Jillian Michaels, or Gunnar Peterson as my personal trainer. I would sit them down and question them to see which one would work best for me.  I would probably pick Bob though just because he’s my lover.

Jillian and Bob fighting over me.

6. Start my own makeup or clothing line. Two very different things, but I take a real interest in both paths. Not that I am good at dressing myself, or applying makeup, but I would be interested in making my millions grow. (I’m going to be so depressed after I finish writing this and realize that I only have a million pennies to my name.)

7. Travel. Everywhere. Life is short. The world isn’t that big. Traveling is something that cultures you. Some of my favorite experiences have taken place abroad.

First stop, Santorini, Greece.

8. Just relax. Not having to work is a privilege. Spending some quality time with the fam, making memories.

What would you spend your money on if you won the Mega Millions lottery?

The Biggest Loser

There is nothing I love more than watching morbidly obese people exercise and get yelled at. I didn’t realize that I liked this so much until I started watching The Biggest Loser.

What I like about the show even more than watching the contestants battle to lose the most weight, are the coaches, Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels. Jillian isn’t actually on the show anymore. RIP Jillian. I mean, she didn’t technically die, but she’s dead to me now that she quit the show. She was my favorite coach because she would literally scream at the people on her team. She would make them cry. I have purchased all of her workout dvds in hopes that she would help me cry my way into weight loss. But nope. Her wizardry didn’t work on me. I must be too tough. Maybe I should join the army?

I'm going to army, mother.

The other coach, aka the love of my life, is Bob. His workout dvd’s actually made me sore. Hard core workout. But he used respect and kind words. Love conquers all, guys.

This season is really dramatic. There’s this ultimate biatch named Conda (I know) and she bothers me so much because she’s the biggest complainer of all time. And then she’ll act like she’s the best team member. She pisses me off a lot because she’s a loud and angry all the time. I hate that. That’s the exact reason why I’ll never live in New York. Isn’t everyone loud and angry there? She should just be grateful that she’s on the show. Hell, I want to be on the show. But even at my highest weight they wouldn’t accept me. So shut up CONDA.

I’ll just continue to sit on my couch and talk at the TV while stuffing my face with chips. I’ve actually thought about gaining an immense amount of weight just so I could go on the show and transform my body. Such a normal thought process.

This could be my future.