Jobs That Shouldn’t Exist

Occasionally when my husband and I sit down to watch Jeopardy, we catch a bit of Wheel of Fortune beforehand. While I was studying the show, I noticed Vanna White dressed to the nines. And by nines, I mean wearing dresses that someone her age should not be wearing unless they’re up for an Academy Award.

What kind of prestigious job does Vanna do that requires her to wear such gorgeous uniforms? Why she touches panels that have been lit up, of course! In all seriousness folks, do we really need to keep paying Vanna to do this? Honestly? We live in the 21st century for crying out loud! Can’t the panels show the letter on their own now? She really has to go up to each one and touch it? Update your set, Wheel of Fortune. How can you be able to give away “fortunes” but not have up-to-date technology?

Also, do we really need to keep paying for extras in movies and TV? Can’t they just film shows and whoever ends up in the background is just part of the show that day? Is it really necessary to pay people to walk from one end of the set to the other? I know what you’re thinking, What if the show is a period piece and the extras need to be dressed up and go through makeup? You bring up a good point. If people want to be extras then they can get dressed up and be in the background and their payment is that they get to be in the background of a really cool movie or TV show.

I’m actually not sure if this is a job or if volunteers do it, but either way I hate them. Those bell ringers at Christmas time who want money for the Salvation Army or whatever? Like, do you really need to stand there? Why don’t you just leave a box accepting donations at the registers of the stores you’re standing outside of? Also, don’t you think people would’ve donated money already if they wanted to? Are you supposed to put me in the giving spirit? Because you’re putting me in the murder someone spirit.

I’m kind of torn about this next job because I appreciate them, but I also feel like they’re unnecessary. Models–do we really need people to show us how expensive clothes look on someone way skinnier than the person buying the clothes? Probs not. Like, if I wanted to buy something, I would try it on, not see how it looks sashaying down the runway. I actually think models are gorge, fun to look at, and almost an art form really. That being said, their job entails walking and posing for pictures. I do that every day so where are my millions?

Lastly, I hate the people who stand by the side of busy roads and wave signs that say “BLOWOUT SALE” or “BUY TWO PIZZAS GET ONE FREE!” How hard is it to find signs that stick in the ground? You really want to pay someone to stand outside holding a sign? Is that being proactive? No. Stick the sign in the ground and then you’ll save money, save your business from embarrassment, and save your employee from wanting to throw himself/herself in front of a moving vehicle.

Why do I constantly have to tell the world how it can improve itself? These are simple solutions to dumb problems.

Can you think of any unnecessary jobs?

Lily Playing Jeopardy

Every weeknight my husband watches Jeopardy and I join him on occasion. I have trouble answering a lot of the questions, or questioning a lot of the answers, as you do on Jeopardy. Sometimes I’ll be familiar with a category and start thinking of possible answers before the questions are even asked. By doing so, I manage to make Jeopardy the least fun activity ever.

Let’s say someone picks the category Bible Books By Story. Here’s what it would be like to watch with me:

Some loser on the show named Sheila or something dumb: I’ll take Bible Books for $200 Alex.

Me: Ugh don’t call him Alex.

Alex: A great fish swallows a reluctant prophet.

Me: Who is John?

Sheila: Who is Jonah?

Alex: Correct!

Me: Oh yeah. I knew it started with a ‘J’.

Sheila: Let’s continue the category for $400.

Me: Yes, let’s.

Alex: Moas and boas are loaded into Noah’s ark.

Me: John?

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: Right!

Me: Oh yeah. I forgot about that one.

Sheila: Bible Books for $600 please.

Alex: 3 friends are thrown into a fiery furnace.

Me: I’m gonna go with John.

Sheila: What is Genesis?

Alex: No sorry.

Me: HAH you already guessed Genesis you loser. Geeze Sheila, figure out the Bible already.

Sheila: Bible Books $800.

Alex: Shamgar, one of the title arbiters, kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad.

Me: Wtf is an ox goad? I’m pretty sure that was John.

Sheila: What is Judges?

Alex: Yes!

Me: Calm down Alex.

Sheila: Finish the category please.

Alex: Thomas doubts the other Apostles have really met the risen Jesus.

Me: John?

Shelia: Idk

Alex: Ooo sorry. The answer is John.

Me:

Post Grad Problems

When I see someone I went to high school with and they tell me about their awesome career:

When my husband gets home from work and asks me if I played video games all day:

When I want to buy furniture, but I also want to buy clothes:

If someone trusts me to hold their baby:

When I met someone taller than me:

When I stop for someone to cross the street:

When people ask me to hang out:

When I tell people I’m going to seriously get a job someday, they’re like:

When I’m trying to lose weight:

When my computer battery runs out and the cord is far away:
When I get all of the history questions wrong on Jeopardy even though I majored in history:

Bored Games

This makes me want to vom.

Do you see what I did with the title? I’m so smart and clever. My family has been playing lots of board games since we’ve all been home. And by lots of board games, I mean we’ve exclusively been playing a Jeopardy game that’s from 1992. You know how Alex Trebek always seems so snide when he reads the answer after a contestant makes a wrong guess? Maybe snide isn’t the right word. I’m too lazy to look up words that describe Alex Trebek. Just trust me when I say that Alex is annoying when he reads the answers. He acts as if every answer is so obvious. And he reads all foreign words in the proper accent which never ceases to make me cringe.

Trebek is originally from Canada. Sudbury, Ontario to be exact. He renounced his citizenship and became American. Which is weird. I would never give up my citizenship! I mean, he’s had a stable job since 1984 so I guess its understandable that he would just become a US citizen. Our country would clearly be lost without him.

There are so many games and game shows available to us nowadays it’s amazing that we don’t play a game every day. I feel like I don’t play enough card games. Card games are always so strategic. I appreciate a game that gives you props to use in either circumstance of winning or losing. You can throw down your cards after you win and say “IN YOUR FACE!” And you can also throw down your cards when you lose and say you don’t feel like playing anymore.

Card games are definitely the most satisfying of all the game types to win. I’ve tried to teach myself to play poker through facebook’s poker game. I’m almost decent. There’s a little chat section in the game where the other people playing can talk to you. Every once in a while people would say to me “nh” which freaked me out. Eventually I realized it stood for “nice hand.” As if I had any control over what hand I was dealt. Pshh. After a while I just pretended that they thought my hands were nice and pretty so I would respond “ty” (thank you).

Tonight I hung out in a friends basement and we played a game called Apples to Apples which was kind of fun. I had heard a lot of good things about it, but after playing it for a while, it was pretty boring. It takes absolutely no skill to play. I wouldn’t recommend it. I also brought my Jeopardy game. It wasn’t well received at first, but I think everyone enjoyed it. Let me clear up any confusion: Yes, I am 24 and still hang out in people’s basements and play board games. Not much has changed since I was 13.