100,000 Views!

If you think this post is going to be me bragging about my blog, you’re totally right. But it’s also going to serve as a big THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me get this far in the blogging world. I’m really proud of my blog, it’s like my child. My child that I sometimes get bored with and don’t look at for weeks at a time.

A big thank you to everyone on my blog roll and everyone that follows me. I wouldn’t be here without you, obvs. Thanks for listening to my rants and pretending to laugh at all my bad jokes.

Thanks to mi madre, A Gripping Life for always commenting and encouraging me and telling me that I’m a good writer. Can we all agree that I have the best mom?

Recently, I’ve taken an interest in my blog’s stats. I like to see which countries view my blog the most. I only thought people from Illinois and Canada could relate to my life, but it turns out that people all over the world can! In the past 30 days the top countries that have viewed my blog are:

USA-9,911 viewers (ugh it WOULD end in 9/11. Can we just stop with 9/11?)

UK-2,556

Canada-2,052

Australia-549

Mexico-382

Brazil-376

Germany-368

Netherlands-340

India-229

Italy-221

The list goes on and on. Like, 2 people from Uganda viewed my blog. It could’ve been an accident (I’m guessing the average view is an accident, actually), but I like to think that Ugandans totally understand me and think I’m hilarious.

So thank you USA, for being my home country and supporting me the most. Oh and happy birthday yesterday! Not to be weird, but you’re getting super old!

Thank you United Kingdom for being Canada’s biggest influence and for being so royal and everything. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t compare myself to Kate Middleton and cry, so thanks for that too.

She knows that she’s perfect and it’s bothering me.

Canada–what a bada** country you are. Thanks for adopting me and loving me and letting me make fun of you. I still haven’t met a beaver or a moose yet, so lets work on that.

G’day Australia! Thanks for supporting my blog. Even though there were more people in my graduating class than viewers from your country, BUT WHATEVS. Hopefully I can return to Sydney and have some shrimp on the barbie. Or maybe just some shrimp in the shape of Barbie?

Muchas gracias Mexico! I actually expected more than 382 views because I recently visited Cancun and I felt like I totally bonded with your country, but I guess not? I’ll try harder next time. And maybe I should learn more Spanish than “Hola”?

Thanks Brazil. I mean, your meager effort in views is alright. I just had high expectations from a country whose population totals 192 million…! That doesn’t seem right. Maybe it does. I watched the movie Rio on an airplane and it wasn’t that good, so I guess we’re even?

The only thing more annoying than a parrot is a parrot with Jesse Eisenberg’s voice.

Danke Germs. To be totally honest I didn’t expect much from you schnitzel-eating lederhosen wearing folks. But I’m impressed! And clearly stereotyping because I know close to nothing about Germany.

Thanks Netherlands. I honestly never think about your country, but you clearly think about me, which is weird. Is this what it’s like to be famous?

Namaste, India.  I went to an Indian buffet like 2 days ago and it was amazing. Thank you for your food and for those bollywood music videos that were on in the background. They made me want to be a slumdog millionaire. Okay, just a millionaire.

Lastly, grazie mille, Italy! Only 221 of you came to my blog, but I’m still impressed. If I lived in Italy I would be jumping off a pizza diving board into a pool of pasta while sipping on my gelato smoothie. I don’t understand why all Italians aren’t doing that 24/7?

My swimming pool. Pure class.

Okay so that was annoying. Consider this the last time I say thank you ever again. Here’s to the next 100,000 views!

Neapolitan, More Like Neapoopitan

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Whoever invented Neapolitan ice cream is a total psycho. Turns out it’s those damn Italians. Well, just the ones from Naples. Neapolitan immigrants brought their awesome ice cream recipes to the cool side of the pond a.k.a. the new world a.k.a. the U.S.A. a.k.a. Italy is gross. I’m not saying Italians don’t know how to make delicious foods, because they definitely do. Gelato is amaze maze–I’m super grateful for whoever invented that. And remember in Eat Pray Love when Julia Robert’s character has an eating frenzy in Naples because the pizza tastes like heaven? She eats so much that her pants don’t fit. She would. However, Neapolitan ice cream is just downright wrong.

Okay, I’m gonna have to ask you to calm down about the pizza.

Apparently Neapolitan ice cream is a variation (almost an evolution) of spumoni. Let it be said that spumoni is good and Neapolitan isn’t. Have you ever been to a party where someone brings out the ice cream and it’s Neapolitan? It’s super lazy. The host thinks they’re being super creative by fulfilling everyone’s dessert wishes in one, but little do they know, no one wins when Neapolitan is served. It puts an immediate damper on all of the fun food times that everyone’s having. First of all, kids don’t know what Neapolitan is. They can barely pronounce the word. Hell, I can barely pronounce it. Strike one, Italians.

Secondly, people don’t always love chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Usually guests will favor only one of those flavors. And I can tell you right now it’s definitely not all of them mixed together. Neapolitan is basically served block style with the flavors packed in vertical strips. If you request vanilla, you’re going to get vanilla with a little bit of chocolate. If you want chocolate, expect some vanilla and strawb, and if you want strawberry, I hope you like chocolate covered strawberry ice cream! It’s an impossible task to get one flavor without getting a bit of another flavor in it.

Ice cream should not look like a brick.

The vanilla is always a neon yellow color. Like, a color that isn’t even found in nature. The strawberry stripe tastes like…not strawberry. It doesn’t even have strawberry chunks in it or anything! And chocolate ice cream always tastes like coffee to me, so I’m probably not the best judge for that one. Except I do enjoy a good old fashioned Frosty. R.I.P. Dave Thomas.

I hope that we can all agree that ice cream isn’t worth eating unless it’s delicious. I don’t want to waste my precious daily calorie intake on ice cream that tastes grody. I’d rather eat something that never gets old and has a cute name like Cookie Dough, or Baked Alaska, or Pralines and Cream. Not Neapolitan.