Animals, Feelings, Music

Potential Jobs

I’ve never really had a real job before. I’ve done a lot of babysitting and my fair share of volunteering, but never a real, certified job. People often ask me what it is that I do and I usually say “nothing” or “sit around” and that ends the conversation. And all future interest in my life.

The only person that would understand my position is Hugh Grant’s character, Will, from About A Boy. In the movie, Will lived off the royalties of his father’s one-hit music career. His love interest asked him what he did for a living, to which he answered “nothing.” I have to keep reminding myself that people are super jealous of me every time someone looks unamused when I say that I don’t have to get up at 7 am. Or ever.

So here’s a list of potential jobs that I actually would be interested in. I’m hopeful that something related to the following list will pop up in my area.

Laser Tag Patrol. If you’ve never played laser tag, you can just get outta my face because you clearly don’t understand the meaning of life. For those of you who have partaken in the sweet enterprise that is laser tag, you know that there are people who hold you in a room and explain how to use your guns and tell you not to run. Being a seasoned tagger, I know that you simply cannot explain to people that they can’t run. They won’t obey you. If I were an employee, I would not only tell the players not to run, but I would trip them if they did. Serves them right for being disobedient. See, if I worked there, not only would you end up getting a good game of laser tag, you would be taking away life lessons as well.

Even if he wasn’t running, I would trip this guy just for the hell of it.

Making movie soundtracks. I’m really good at making mixes. It’s like a gift. One of my friends asked me to make her a mix the other day because she knows that my skills are that good. See, I’m already being commissioned! I haven’t done it yet, but that’s not the point. I really have an ear for what sets a certain mood or scene or time period. I like to think that I know what songs compliment each other. No one wants a soundtrack that doesn’t flow. Maybe I could work in Apple’s Genius division in deciding which bands would go well together. You know that trick on itunes when you buy something and it’s like, “Oh you’ll probably like this band too!” I wonder how many people go on crazy itunes shopping sprees because Apple keeps leading them to music that they might like. Whenever Apple recommends something for me I ignore it. You don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, APPLE.

Professional Animal Playtime Specialist. I really love animals. I love playing with them and rolling around with them. They make life so much better. I love big cats like lions and tigers. I hope to someday hug a lion. If it hugs me before I get mauled, it still counts right? I think in heaven we’ll get to live freely with all of the animals in the world. That’s the only  drive I have for going to heaven. I know that animals will be there. Being a Professional Animal Playing Specialist means that I would get to play with the animals and do nothing else. No cleaning up after them, or studying their behavior. Just playtime. I would definitely deem myself a professional AND specialist because I’m just that good.

I’ve used this picture almost 100 times in this blog. Okay 3 times.

Sleep Study Guinea Pig. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that being paid to nap would be awesome. Napping is the best thing ever. The little girl I babysit doesn’t like naps. I wish I could say “Okay, I’ll take a nap for you, and you can go take care of your brother.” Apparently that’s not the way it works. I have nothing in my brain to hide. It wouldn’t bother me if someone studied my brain and took pictures of it while I slept soundly. Sounds like a dream. No pun intended. Puns are gross.

If you hear of any openings of the type of jobs I described, please contact me. I would be willing to move everything for a job that I love and that I excel in.

Feelings, TV

My Husband and I Are Basically Cam and Mitch From Modern Family

I was talking to one of my blogging friends, Mooselicker. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He asked me which TV or movie couple I would compare Paul and myself to. What an awesome question. I couldn’t come up with anything right away, so think of this entire post as your answer, Moosey goose (sorry, never again).

I asked my family to help me think of an identical couple to Paul and I, but they only came up with dumb ideas usually resulting in me being Renee’ Zellweger. Like, just no. Either Paul was Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, or Tom Cruise and I was Renee’. In what way is that fair? I said Tom Hanks and Wilson from Cast Away, which I think was a pretty good fit. I’d be Wilson, obvs. But then I mentioned Cam and Mitch and everyone ignored me because our food was served. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a perfect match. Except that they’re both gay men. Minor detail.

Cameron Tucker and Mitchell Pritchett are the perfect couple in my eyes. They don’t always get along, but they make things work and they’re consistently the best part of Modern Family. Kind of like how Paul and I are the best part of the world. They’re the definition of the phrase “opposites attract”. They balance each other out.

The only difference is that Paul's not a ginger. And I'm not a large man.

Mitch is mild, yet sometimes tightly spun. He’s a lawyer and Paul is going to be a lawyer! He loves Costco and Paul loves Costco! In older episodes Mitch mentions that he likes ice skating, musical theater, and building things. Guess what, guys? Paul likes doing all of those things too! Did I marry a gay man? Possibly. Mitch was also nervous about raising a child. I’m not saying that Paul’s nervous about child-raising, but he definitely is. He’s responsible, level headed, and always makes fun of me and my dumb ways. In the exact same way that Mitch makes fun of Cam.

Cameron has a very bubbly, outgoing personality. Being slightly over-dramatic, like myself, he contrasts Mitch perfectly. Cam has lot of unusual interests. We don’t share the same hobbies, per se, but my interests are also unique and diverse. He’s a stay at home dad, and I’m basically a stay at home mom. Besides the whole “mothering” thing. Cam is definitely the woman of the relationship. Like all good women, he’s sensitive.

I distinctly remember a scene from Modern Family where Cam and his adoptive daughter, Lily ( I KNOW), are having fun baking in the kitchen. He makes a mess and then walks away. Mitch complains about how Cam has all the fun and how he leaves all the cleaning up for Mitch. After that, Cam pretends to clean up but doesn’t actually do anything. So yeah. That’s Paul and I in a nutshell.

Which TV or movie couple have a similar relationship to yours?