Hockey Night With Lily

I agreed to go to a hockey game with my husband Paul last night. He probably would’ve had more fun with one of his friends, but what’s more fun than hanging out with me? Almost anything. Here are some highlights from the game:

Me: Let’s get some popcorn.

Me: If our team loses will you be sad?

Paul: Yes.

Me: I’m getting really good at singing O Canada.

Me: Look at that kid with his shirt off. He’s awesome.

Me: Omg look, he put the popcorn bucket on his head. I love him.

Me: Guess what?

Paul: What?

Me: Only 39 minutes until the game is over.

Paul: You’re fun.

Me: Lol jk.

Me: But seriously…

Me: Let’s get some hot chocolate.

Paul: Sweet boots. You look so dumb. (Talking about my Ugg boots)

Some little girl: Um excuse me, I really like your boots. I like that they have a zipper.

Me: At least someone appreciates me.

Me: Why don’t they ever put the Kiss Cam on us? How rude.

Me: Uh oh. We’re losing. Are you sad?

Paul: Yes.

Me: Have the referees ever gotten in the way of the players?

Paul: Yeah, all the time.

Me: That’s annoying.

Me: Please don’t go into over time. Please don’t go into over time. Please don’t go into over time.

Me: I will literally sacrifice my first born if this game doesn’t go into over time.

Turns out I have to sacrifice my first born. We lost 3-5. Bummer. I am so sad about it. Really broken up. The good news is, there’s one little girl in Canada who has good taste in boots. Bad news is I’ll probably end up going to another hockey game some time this year.


Judgement Day

If you haven’t noticed, judging is one of my favorite pastimes. Sometimes I just can’t help it. If I’m in a location where there’s abundant people-watching, I’m not going to look down at my soda and pretend nothing is happening. Some of my fondest memories have occurred on park benches just observing others. And then making fun of them in one way or another. Not to their faces obviously, that’s way too gutsy. And cruel. But, I guess you’ve gotta be cruel to be kind (in the right measure).

When Paul and I were at the hockey game, we were looking around our area, checkin’ out what kind of motley crew we had to deal with for an hour or so. We made a great sighting. There was this guy, a couple rows in front of us, who had 9 fingers. Fingers are so precious. Could you imagine missing one? It was the ring finger on his left hand. So I guess technically it doesn’t get that much use. Unless you’re married. But I have to wonder how he lost it. I thought about going up to him and asking “Hey mister, how’d you lose your finger?” but then there’s the chance of being judged by the person that you were judging, and that’s just the worst. So I just continued to glance over nonchalantly for the rest of the game. If I had to guess, I would say that he lost it in some kind of shop class. But then how would he still have his pinky? Either shop class or gangrene.

I was walking around the other day, just minding my own business, and then I saw I guy with a fanny pack. I don’t even like to see girls wear fanny packs. I used to have this roommate from Maui and she always wore a fanny pack but she made it look so cool. I think she wore it ironically though, and at that time I didn’t really understand the beginning of hipsters. I just thought she was being cool and unique. Now she’s a lesbian I think. Ahh so cool! Anyway, guys that wear fanny packs are weird. Just don’t. Carry a man-purse or something. Fanny packs just add extra girth to you. I remember when I was at Disney World in the late 90’s, I wore a fanny pack with a tamagaochi key chained to it. Stylin!

Lastly, at the mall I saw what I thought was a man with a mullet holding a baby. It was a woman. Women should not have mullets. Kind of like how men should not wear fanny packs. More importantly, women with mullets should not breed. Poor little future mullet-ed baby. There are so many ways to cut your hair. Or just go into a salon where you will guaranteed not walk out with business in the front and a party in the back. Yikes.

Stuff like this makes the idea of not leaving my house sound so amazing.

Exercise, Hockey

Sledge Hockey

He's doing a good job of pretending he likes being attached to a sled.

If you live in Canada, you have no excuse not to play hockey. Even if you don’t have legs, this country will find a way for you to play hockey. I present to you, sledge hockey.

I saw a commercial ( Have you noticed that the only way I find out info is from TV? I’M SO EMBARRASSED! Not.) with people playing sledge hockey. At first I laughed, because that’s what I do when I see something weird or different. I immediately make fun of it. But then I realized that these people are handicapped and just trying to have some fun. They’re probably having more fun than I am sitting in front of the TV.

I think sledge hockey has different rules than regular hockey. I would look them up and tell you the differences, but that means I would have to look up the generic rules to hockey just to understand the sledge hockey rules. And I refuse to do that.  So just trust me when I say they’re different.

Interesting fact: in the United States, we refer to it as sled hockey. This makes more sense because the players are on little sleds. It snowed while I was in Canterbury, England (England shuts down when it snows. People literally do not know how to function. It’s bordering on retarded behavior.) and I remember that everyone wanted to go “sledging.” My response was always, “Whaaa?” “Come again?” or the ever-popular “Ew.”

So now I’m totally buggin. If cappers (handicapped people) can play hockey, then I seriously need to get into some sort of sport. I feel like I don’t have many options besides running in circles. Team sports terrify me. I hate the idea that others are depending on me. Any ideas would be appreciated. Any bad ideas earn you a virtual kick to the groin.