Know-It-Alls

Apparently there’s a new show on Canada’s Discovery Channel called Canada’s Greatest Know-It-All. Watching this sounds about as appealing as hanging out with my grandpa for the day. Aka the worst.

Being a know-it-all means two things: you have a lot of meaningless knowledge, and you have literally no friends. Why would I want to watch people like that on TV when I wouldn’t want to be around them in real life? I feel like that show would just make me angry. The only people that should be contestants are people in college. Maybe not though. Know-it-alls come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.

This reminds me of another show that I loathe, The Big Bang Theory. Why would I want to watch annoying people talk about science? I’ve given the show a couple chances thinking, “I really hope this gets funny” but it never does. All of the guys on that show are so fugly. Whoever is in charge of costume design should be shot. No one dresses like that. Not funny. AND there’s a laugh track. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of shows that I used to watch that have a laugh track, but with The Big Bang Theory it just seems so forced. Here’s a clip of the show without the laugh track. Its just so so stupid.

Oddly enough, I’ll still watch shows like Hoarders and Toddlers and Tiaras and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Even though I can’t stand the people on those shows, I’m intrigued by their way of life (and by how dumb they are). Okay fine, to be honest I watch Hoarders so I can see houses full of fermented poop, the Kardashians so I can see the love of my life, Scott Disick, and Toddlers and Tiaras so I can be mesmerized by girls like this:

 

 

What’s the point of Alaska?

"Please don't make me live in Canada" - Every Husky

I finally arrived home. I know you were all really worried about me. Dry your tears–I’m safe and sound in the Land of the Free and the home of Mickey D’s. On our flight from Seattle to Chicago, Paul and I sat next to a man from Alaska. And when I say man, I mean cowboy. And when I say cowboy, I mean that he smelled like beer and dirt.

While trying to avoid the cowboy’s bloodshot eyes, I started thinking about Alaska. Alaska is basically in Canada. Do we really need 50 states? I think we should give Alaska to Canada as a sign of trust and payment for all of the future oil that we’re going to steal from their oil sands. Yes, Canada has oil in it’s sand. I could be living in a very wealthy country some day, folks!

But in all seriousness, do Americans pay attention to Alaska? No. Would we care if Alaska was missing? No. Would care if every Alaskan was held hostage? Probs not. So why do we need it? Isn’t that just wasting more of our money? Downsizing seems so smart. Isn’t that a trend? America is like the TLC show Hoarders, and Alaska is burying us alive. Actually, it’s just setting off my OCD because it’s not connected to the mainland. I’m willing to make an exception for Hawaii. I’ve never been to Hawaii but I saw “The Descendants” and “Lilo and Stitch” so I think I’m able to make a fair judgement call on this one. Hawaii stays.

This guy on the plane said that he was helping rebuild one of the first (and only, I’m guessing) cement sailboats. If that’s the kind of stuff they’re doing in Alaska, then maybe we should just dump it on Canada and let them support Alaska. Also, Canada would be over-accepting of Eskimos. They would probably only refer to them as Inuits like the politically correct people they are. And don’t act like they wouldn’t enjoy having 700,000 more members of Canadian society. Perfect solution.

The Real Deal

The $1 coin. Isn't this everything you've ever wanted AND MORE?

So apparently the US is not the only country that makes those insane collector’s edition coins that no one actually uses–they just end up collecting dust and making you one step closer to being featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive. Canada has come out with their own, bizarre version that has been deemed important and I, for one, don’t understand why.

The Royal Canadian Mint (Really? The Canadian Mint is royal? Just because Canada is part of the commonwealth-which reminds me of welfare for some reason-doesn’t mean everything is royal. But whatevs.) is producing 5 special coins to celebrate the fact that they were the first country to have National Parks. Which is cute I guess.

The special $1 coin will be called Parks Canada Centennial Coin. SO CREATIVE. An article described the coin like so:

” intricate and detailed design features stylized land, air and aquatic fauna, varieties of flora, as well as a symbolic park building and the silhouette of a hiker framed by a snow-capped mountain range.”

A bit of a stretch. Is “aquatic fauna” even a real term?

The $2 (toonie…puke) is called the Boreal Forest Coin. What.

They are releasing 3 quarters named Wood Bison, Orca, Peregrine Falcon, respectively. I’m sure you can imagine what those will look like. Not good. And why did they only decide to make 3 quarters? Why not 4 so people could have a whole collector’s dollar? Nahhh makes too much sense/cents. Okay in all seriousness, puns are so gross.

I just did some coin research. Something that I never thought I would ever say. And I guess there is a Canadian Coin Club. Pshhahaha. They have coins that are worth up to $200. WHY would anyone ever need those. The only reason someone would use a sack of hundred-dollar coins is to give to the queen for permission to circumnavigate the globe. They would be handy if we had an apocalypse and had to use our resources to stay alive.  I guess $200 dollar coins are a pretty decent resource.