Judging, Music

Wanted: New Wardrobe For Katy Perry

This has been a very traumatizing morning for me. First, I get news of Reese Witherspoon naming her new baby boy Tennessee James. Out of all the baby names in the world, she picks Tennessee. This isn’t the 20’s. What’s his nick name going to be? Tenny? Ness? TJ? Barf. I just can’t deal with this news so early in the morning. Another tidbit of info, for those of you who keep tabs on Jersey Shore members (I’m assuming I’m the only one), JWOWW is engaged. If you’re not already married or engaged, just remember that a girl who calls herself JWOWW is engaged before you.

Onto the most annoying part of my morning. I mean, besides the person that’s hammering outside my window. I wake up to find Katy Perry dressed like this:

The popcorn coming out the bottom of the dress my final straw. What’s yours?!

I’ve put up with this for way too long. You’re 27 years old. Dressing like that makes you look like you’re playing dress-up on ecstasy. Stop it. I know you think it’s “your thing” or whatever. I get it. But it’s time to move on. Your songs are cute, and you could be cute too. But instead you look like you didn’t get to have a childhood or something. Which you probably didn’t. But don’t punish my eyes because of it.

Also, the clothes you wear are helping you attract the worst guys ever. Case in point: Russell Brand. When you and Russell started dating I was like, “Aww that’s cute. Two freaks found love.” And then when you got married, and quickly divorced, I knew that even Russell was like “Wtf are you wearing?” And that’s saying a lot coming from someone who’s never brushed their hair since birth.

I have no words.

Then you went on to date Hollywood’s sloppy seconds, John Mayer. Yes, John Mayer, the guy who said his penis is racist because it doesn’t like black girls. THAT GUY. And this is all because of your stupid clothes.

You live in LA. There are clothing stores on every street. How hard is it to find a t-shirt and jeans? And can you stay away from the hair dye and wigs for like two seconds? I know you’re dying to be unique and quirky and grab everyone’s attention, but it’s been done now, okay? Same goes to Taylor Swift’s curly hair. It’s like, okay, we get it. You have curly hair.

Katy, I hope this message finds you well. XOXO

(PS. I saw your movie alone because no one would go with me. So, I actually do care. You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind.)

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Beauty

Beauty is Pain/Pain is Beauty

Rosie is committing hundreds of beauty crimes.

As I was putting on makeup out of sheer boredom the other day, I realized that females do a lot to come across as normal. I know Jenna Marbles did that youtube video on “How to Trick People into Thinking You’re Good Looking” which is funny and true, but the stuff we do is so beyond that.

I’m going to make a quick list of crap that we, as females, have to do to keep up appearances. This list is not for the faint of heart:

1.  Waxing and plucking. If you have eyebrows, they better be tamed. If you have a moustache, no one should know. If you have sideburns, get the razor out, because honey, that’s sick nasty. If you have light hair, you better color in your brows, and if you have a unibrow, you might as well just end your life now.

2. Dying, Highlights and lowlights. Lord help you if your hair isn’t shiny, bouncy, and full of volume. You better make a bee-line for the salon if your hair is an “in between color”. Let me tell you something, Tan hair doesn’t look good on anyone. So blah. Chocolate brown or blonde. Also, if your hair is pin straight, doesn’t hold a curl, is too curly, or frizzy, get that under control pronto.

3. Tanning. If I can see the color of your veins, then tanning beds are calling your name. Don’t do spray-on, that can get messy and smelly. However, tanning beds can get cancer-y. But no one wants corpse-colored legs, so tanning beds it is!

4. Teeth whitening. There is no such thing as “too white”. Get Invisaline while you’re at it.

5. Makeup. If you can’t draw a straight line with eyeliner along your lash line, what good are you to this world? Figure out what kind of lip and cheek color suit your complexion. And if you’re white, forget about wearing pink eye shadow. You’ll look like you have an eye infection.

6. Skin treatments. If your skin is not as smooth and glowing as a baby’s butt (do they glow?) then you should invest hundreds of dollars into skin products so your face doesn’t look so fuggles.

7. Fake nails. You bite your nails, eh? Guess you’ll have to wear fakes for the rest of your life to avoid social suicide. It’s so fun having Vietnamese women glue hunks of plastic to your shaven down nails.

8. Working out. Wait, you don’t have the body of a super model? What kind of cruel joke did the gene pool play on you? I have a new home for you, its called the gym. Learn to love it.

9. Shaving. If the movie Psycho doesn’t bother you, its probably because you’ve seen your own blood run down the shower drain hundreds of times. Or because you’re a psycho. Shaving your legs is time consuming and will no doubt put you in an awkward position or two. To avoid it, wear pants and tights for the rest of your life.

10. Contacts. Unless you’re going for the hot librarian look (you must be brave), get rid of your glasses. I don’t care if you have a lazy eye. Find contacts, or a way to fight it. I’m sure people would think it was nifty that you could look two places at once.

There are so many more things that we do to look like our best selves, but in reality, do we need all of that stuff to be pretty and socially acceptable? Don’t answer that. Even though the list seems brutal, I would rather do all of that than have a penis.

Heaps better, darling.

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