Last Words

Have you ever thought about your death-plan? Do you want to die surrounded by people you love? Would you like to outlive your friends or die before your spouse so you never have to live a day without them? Traditional burial, open casket, or cremation? What about a funeral parade like they do in New Orleans? So many choices!

I think I would like to die at 80 years old. I don’t want to have trouble functioning. I feel like 80 is young enough where you still have (most) of your dignity intact, yet old enough where people will say that I lived a “good long life.” Like a deceased family pet. There is a part of me that is convinced that the end is nigh in both the biblical sense and in the we-really-screwed-up-the-earth sense. So I feel like I could die really early because all life will come to a halt anyway.

But let’s say the latter doesn’t happen–or at least it doesn’t happen during my life time–and I need to make a choice about how my body ends up. I think it would be ideal to donate my organs (assuming they weren’t too old to use) and opt for cremation. I’ve always liked the thought of having my ashes sprinkled in the ocean. The ocean is so great and envelops the world we live in. I like the thought of being able to travel all over the globe even though my body won’t be here.

I don’t want to take up space in the ground, I want my spirit to be present. My body is just a shell for who I really am. So once I die, I don’t need my body anymore. I definitely don’t need people at my funeral looking at my corpse. I’d rather them look at a picture of me in my youth because I think everyone has a youthful spirit no matter how old they are. Plus, youthful pictures are wayyy hotter than 80 year-old dead bodies.

However, I’ve been super intrigued by cemeteries and graveyards ever since starting college. When I went to school in Utah, there was an insane cemetery close to school grounds that you could wander through for hours. When I went to school in England, my tombstone infatuation only grew stronger because I could visit graves that were moss-covered and eroded. It added another dimension to the cool factor.

Have you ever thought about what you would put on your tombstone? I might put “Loving wife, blogger, and offender of the people.” Jk jk. I really like the first stanza of William Blake’s poem: “To see the world in a grain of sand, And heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, And eternity in an hour.” But I also saw this on tumblr and I really like it: What are your death plans?

Harold and Maude 2.0

Okay this is a really weird idea that I thought of while watching Small Time Crooks. This is how my brain works, for real. You should feel bad for me.

I propose that Woody Allen and I produce a remake of Harold and Maude where I play the Harold character and he plays the Maude character. There wouldn’t be any cross dressing, just reverse roles. Maybe Harriett and Milton or something like that. This idea is still fresh–I clearly haven’t worked out all the details yet.

I think the casting would be pretty perfect. For those of you who haven’t see Harold and Maude, stop reading my ramblings and go watch it already. Too bad Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore. Renting movies is one of the best things ever. Netflix is so dumb and Redbox is literally the worst thing ever. The selection is always like: Three Alvin and the Chipmunks movies, The Raven (you know that really bad mystery where John Cusack played Edgar Allen Poe? No? You don’t recall that gem?), like five movies no one has ever heard of, and Magic Mike. I wish I was kidding.

Anyway, the actor who plays Harold, Bud Cort, didn’t really do anything with the rest of his career besides a cameo in Arrested Development. I feel like I was the only person who appreciated his cameo since no one else really knows who he is. Except perhaps the people that cast him in the show. I feel like I could do that. Star in one really good movie and then do nothing else. I’m not saying that my Harold and Maude remake would be really good, but yes that’s exactly what I’m saying.

*Just looked it up and Bud Cort has actually done a lot with his career. Just nothing as good as Harold and Maude. Sorry Bud.

Harold is a twenty-something man child who has been given everything in life. He is hapless and expresses his emotions by nearly executing his own suicide daily. He doesn’t have much to say. He likes to go to funerals. And he also drives a hearse. I feel like I could be him. The part of Harold doesn’t involve a lot of acting skills. All I would have to do is perfect my “I’m miserable” face which I luckily have already perfected.

I think the tricky part would be getting Woody Allen to not only agree to the part of Maude, but to also tone down his Jewishness. He would probably agree to the part because it would involve a young lady falling in love with him. He tends to pick roles where pretty girls that are totally out of his league fall for him. I wonder why?

Maude’s character is 79 years old and is the complete opposite of Harold. She doesn’t have much, but she is grateful for everything she’s been given. She lives life to the fullest and sees the beauty in everything. She steals cars, saves nature, and also enjoys a good funeral. A match made in heaven, really.

Another bonus to the movie is that the entire soundtrack is compiled of Cat Stevens songs. Cat Stevens A.K.A. Yusuf Islam is a musical genius. He would definitely agree to the remake of Harold and Maude. To be perfectly honest, his music made the movie what it is.