I don’t like science. Never have, never will. I didn’t care how much the sun weighed or how dense a cylinder of water was. I laughed when my Earth Science teacher said that we had to find the cleavage in our rocks. I also had the biggest carbon footprint of all time and couldn’t care less.

Often times I would look around the room, staring at pictures of our solar system or the periodic table. After a couple of years in high school, a reoccurring poster would appear on the walls of my science rooms. It looked like this:tumblr_lguft9HLsh1qb4zxlo1_400

I need to talk about this poster. Let’s start with Carol. Carol is the worst name ever. Apparently she never wore her safety goggles. I don’t blame Carol here. If her class had safety “goggles”, that’s pretty embarrassing. We only had to wear these clear glasses. If ours had a strap at the back, I sure as hell wouldn’t have worn them either. She was probably just trying to be cool and make up for the fact that her name was Carol.

It’s obvious that her teacher didn’t care about her. If he/she cared, they wouldn’t have made it an option to wear the goggles. Another question: why is Carol’s teacher using such dangerous chemicals in the presence of young students? There are sooo many experiments that you could do, but you choose the one that could blind someone? Good work.

It’s obvious that Carol made a mistake. She burned her eyes and probably didn’t run to flush them out with that cool spurty sink that all the class rooms had. Or she could’ve used the shower in the back of the room that I’ve always been tempted to use.

So now Carol doesn’t need safety goggles? Just because she’s blind, she doesn’t need to keep her eyes safe anymore? What kind of logic is that? Or do they mean that she already has protective goggles because she has to wear those sweet sunglasses? Either way, it’s weird. At least she gets to walk with a pimp cane now and she never has to look at how badly she dresses. A win/win really.tumblr_lhobetFaUI1qzkqvao1_500


My Carbon Footprint

Science was never my thing. And by “never my thing” I mean that I loathe it. Earth Science=rocks are dumb. Physics = velocity squared times I don’t care. Chemistry = Periodic Table of Death. Biology = the bane of my existence. I only failed one class during my college career and that was Bio. I re-took it and got a D-. I was clearly enthused about learning. Photosynthesis and cells and plant life are sooooooo boring. I have no time for that. However, I believe that my teacher initially failed me for one reason and one reason only–the size of my carbon footprint.

Me in every science class.

I have pretty big feet. And you know what big feet mean…big shoes! Hah yeah everyone makes that joke, but it’s somehow funnier when I say it, don’tcha think? My size 11 feet make pretty large footprints, so shouldn’t it make sense that my carbon footprint would be above average? It seems pretty straight forward.

My teacher made us take a quiz online to measure our carbon footprint. I printed mine out and brought it to class. I answered the questions as honestly as I could. Here’s an example of a question:

What energy sources do you use in your home? Check all that apply.


Natural gas, propane, or liquified petroleum gas.

Heating oil.

Wood burning biomass.

Being a completely normal person, I only checked electricity and moved on. I mean come on, heating oil? I’m not Amish. Wood burning biomass? WTF is that?

When I got my quiz results it said:

Ughghh really? This is the opposite of impressive. Maybe my teacher won’t judge me, I thought. Oh, she judged me alright. She judged me good and hard. I tried talking to her and I even pretended that I was interested in mitosis! But even my greatest brown-nosing failed me. I was disappointed for like 5 minutes and then I got over it. I realized that I am who I am and if that means I’m single handedly destroying our planet, then so be it.