Feelings

Everyday Annoyances

Whenever I meet someone and they only talk about themselves:

When I try to help someone who doesn’t know how to use a computer:

If someone is making me dinner:

When it’s time to do the dishes:

When I talk to myself about blogging:

If someone tries to censor what I say or do:

If someone tries to insult me:

When Paul asks me how my day was:

When I think about dieting and exercising:

When the woman at the insurance agency was giving me a hard time:

If I don’t have a comeback during an argument:

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Exercise, Food

How To Lose Weight Fast!

Something that both men and women struggle with is losing weight. Almost all of us want to lose those last 5, 10, or 20 pounds. Life is hard enough already. Why should we be uncomfortable in our skin as well? I’ve come up with some creative solutions to losing weight without having to exercise or eat healthy. You’re welcome.

1. Chop off a limb.This might sound scary, but I’m pretty sure that you can get a doctor to do it for you. If not, just place your arm or leg in dry ice and it should fall right off. I mean, it might be a little painful, but isn’t going to the gym painful too? Yes! And just think, you can still eat whatever you want! Stop thinking about burning calories and start thinking about burning limbs! These days you really only need one arm or one leg any way. AND if you’re satisfactory at any sport, you could totes win a Paralypmics medal!

Pick a limb, any limb.

2. Get a tapeworm. I’ve been attracted to this form of weight loss for a while. It’s almost too good to be true. You don’t have to exercise, and you can literally eat anything and everything you want. Because none of your food will be digested. The tapeworm that lives inside your intestine will eat all of the food that you’ve eaten and save you from all the cals. So thoughtful! To acquire a tapeworm, all you have to do is eat raw meat. Or become super unhygienic. Either one is a small price to pay for a quick weight loss. And then, once you’ve reached your goal weight, the doctor can remove it for you. You’ll probs have tons of stitches and have to be bedridden for a month, so think about all the extra weight you’ll lose!

3. Move to Africa. Everyone is supes skinny there. Granted, they’re dying of starvation. But like, I feel like Africa doesn’t have the best food so it would be hard to find a good meal. What if you had to hunt for food and you killed a lion for it’s meat, but then you got arrested because poaching is illegal? Then you’d be in jail and they’d feed you close to nothing. Any way you slice it, Africa is a win/lose situation. You’re winning while you’re losing weight.

4. Personal Chef.Hiring a personal chef is a good way to eat healthy without having to think about it. Sure, it cost money, but what doesn’t? If you don’t lose weight immediately, having a personal chef also gives you someone to blame. It always feels better when you can blame someone else for your own shortcomings.

Forcing your personal chef to wear a chef’s uniform is also a lot of fun.

5. The Hollywood Diet. If you must lose weight the old fashioned way, through diet and exercise, then maybe you should try out the skeletor…ehm Hollywood Diet! Try eating celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only drink water. That way, you’ll be ingesting about 50 calories a day. Combined with rigorous exercise, you should be losing 5 pounds a day. This is a quick fix. If you can’t maintain this diet for your entire life, then you really need to do some re-evaluating.

Hope these quick fixes helped! I’d love to see all of your before and after pictures! Especially from anyone who chooses to remove a limb.

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