Forever Young

It’s official. I’ve been married for one whole year today. I feel so old when I tell people it’s my anniversary. Not that I’ve told anyone besides my own reflection in the mirror, but still. My reflection gave me a look that was like, “sick you’re so old.” It was hurtful.

I’ve realized that I am getting older though. Maybe not wiser, but definitely older. There are a couple of things I’ve noticed that I do now that old people do ( Old= 45 and up. Sorry, I don’t make the rules).

• I watch HGTV. Home and Garden Network, for those of you who don’t know what’s up. I’ve taken an interest in fixing up houses, decorating, buying property, etc. Meanwhile, I’ve never paid a bill in my life and I literally don’t know how mortgages work. I find that watching HGTV makes me feel a little more knowledgeable when it comes to buying a house…some day.

• I wear my glasses a lot. I’ve had glasses since I was in 1st grade. I never felt pretty when I had glasses on. In high school I barely ever wore my glasses even though my optometrist said I would get a lazy eye if I didn’t wear them. I decided it was worth the risk. My thought process was “I’d rather have a lazy eye than wear glasses.” Normal. Now I wear my glasses all the time. I might as well invest in one of those sweet bands that hooks onto the ends of glasses so they can act as a necklace when they’re not on my face. So stylish.
  

  Look out for these on the runway. Fall 2012.

• I get allergies. I guess I had allergies when I was young too, but I just never acknowledged them. This summer I sneezed a total of 28,000 times. I counted. It was so annoying. I took every pill possible to cure my allergies, but nothing worked. Until I came across some nasal spray. How embarrassing is that? I have nasal spray. My husband kindly wrote is initials on his spray so that ours wouldn’t get mixed up. He wrote “butt spray” on mine.

• I have insoles in my shoes. Like some kind of retiree, I walk around with insoles because one of my toes has a neuroma in it. Sounds fun right? It’s like a tumor in my toe, but not really because it’s not cancerous. It’s just this mass that makes my toe hurt or feel numb. Isn’t my life great? How did I get so lucky to have a neuroma in my foot? It’s like all my dreams have come true.

But don’t worry. There are still parts of me that have remained child-like and carefree.

• I’m the worst at eating healthy. When I’m by myself I’ll eat pizza for lunch and popcorn for dinner. I love eating popsicles and chicken nuggets. Ramen noodles make my world go round. And I wouldn’t be happy unless I had a jar of Nutella in my pantry at all times.

• I play video games daily. Not games like Halo or Grand Theft Auto. Mario Games, Crazy Taxi, games for N64 and Wii. One of my favorite things to do is to curl up on the couch and play video games and listen to music. I’ve been doing this since the 4th grade.

• I love going to Disney World. It’s honestly one of my favorite places on earth. And I’ve been to a lot of places on earth, so take it from me. It was fun for me when I was 6, and it’s still fun for me even though I’m almost 25.

• I still swing on the swings at parks. Whenever I walk past a park, or go to a jungle gym with the kids I babysit, I make sure that I hit up the swings at least once. Swinging is just so fun. I still jump off the swings in mid-air too. Like a pro.

I guess, technically, I’m getting older.  But it makes me happy that I still keep myself young by doing all the stupid stuff that I did when I was younger. I’m still the same old gal, havin’ fun and livin’ life.

Preppy: A Lifestyle Part 1

When thinking about the word “prep” a number of things can come to mind. Nice clothes, country clubs memberships. yachts, ski vacations, madris and seersucker, ivy league schools, etc. But it’s so much more than that! Take it from me, someone who has fooled hundreds of my pupils into thinking I’m pretty preppy by taking shortcuts, pretending I have good taste, and acting exclusive. Can one act exclusive? I guess it’s just a nice way of saying that instead of acting like I hated everyone, I just acted like I was above them. Was I snotty? Yes. Am I still? Don’t answer that.

Here to relieve you of all your questions about preppy-ism, I have “The Official Preppy Handbook” as a guide. I obtained the 1980 edition, so maybe some things have changed since then, but I’m pretty sure being preppy is all about tradition. So this is as vintage as I could get. I’m almost certain there’s an earlier version that Ralph Lauren keeps in the back of his closet and prays to every night.

Invest in Ralph for true prep attire.

Let’s start with The Rights of Birthright: The Family. Everything starts here. For most of us it never actually starts because our families are poor and retarded. None of our parents went to great schools, and their parents went to even worse schools. Something interesting about preppy families is that everyone has their official familial title. For example, I would be Aunt Lily if my brother had a child. Or if we were talking about my mom’s sister’s child, I would refer to her as Cousin Buffy (I don’t have a cousin Buffy. That would be ultra-creep). My mom always did this. She would call people Cousin so-and-so, or Uncle this-and-that. Can’t you just call them by their name? Speaking of names, if you want to guarantee that your child is a preppy, name them a name that you would only call a pet. Biffy, Kitty, Teeny, Duke, Muffy, Barbie, Bitsy, Bunny, Corky, Rocky, Chip, Kip, Trip, Skip. Basically, any name that shouldn’t be a name.

Of Mahogany and Macrame. If You had the following items in your house growing up, you were probably raised to be a preppy: Upholstered pieces covered with flowered chintz, many small and worn oriental rugs, prints of dogs, ducks, horses, boats or birds, antiques bought at an auction, museum documented eighteenth century wallpaper, lots of old table lamps, mahogany and brass, pastel sketches of the children, portraits of ancestors, fireplace equipment, ship models and nautical memorabilia, Georgian paneling, dishes of beach glass.

If you had any of these items, your family was the opposite of preppy: vinyl protectors, wall-to-wall rugs, abstract art, Louis-the-anything furniture, flocked wallpaper, indirect, spot or track lighting, chrome and glass, macrame, Hummel figurines, dirt, Masonite paneling, dishes of candy. I’m so sorry if this was your life. I’m crying a single tear for you as I type.

If you want to make your house preppy and you don’t have the money or good taste, just remember that nothing should look like you tried hard, yet everything should flow. Always go with a beach or cottage theme (those are safest and easiest) or Shabby Chic. Throw some Town & Country magazines around and call it a day. You’re welcome.

Keepers of the Flame: Status Quo Institutions. If your parents didn’t force you into any sport or activity, count your blessings. Being lazy is the best, am I right?! But for prep standards, it’s the mark of the devil. Preppy activities include: piano lessons (or any classical instrument), ballet, horse riding, French lessons, tennis (think country club sports), golf, sailing, etc. Summer camp can also be considered a preppy activity. I went to an all-girls camp, which basically means that it wasn’t any fun. I joined swim team (semi-preppy?) and sang in choir. I had people fooled into thinking I liked doing things.

Couldn’t you picture them on a rowing team?

Regulating the Cash Flow: Well-to-Do’s and Don’ts.

1. Your money is handled by a trustee until you reach your twenties. That always seems like an appropriate age to give your children all of their money. The age where they make even worse decisions than when they were in high school. It’s imperative that you make your trustee think that you’re a capable human being. Agree to everything he says and make sure he pays if he takes you out to lunch so he knows that you can handle your money well. These are all tricks of the trade, my friends.

2. Give to charities that will list your name as a sponsor.

3. Spend money on important things, but use thrift for insignificant items. It’s a fine balance.

4. Be slightly careless with your money. “Forget how much cash you have with you, for instance–it helps give the impression that you don’t think too much about money.”

5. Never carry cash. “Borrow or charge.” Borrow? Wouldn’t borrowing make you seem super poor? I wouldn’t suggest borrowing. Being in debt of others is uncomfortable, and frankly, gross.

6. Never replace anything until you’ve exhausted all possibility of  repair, restoration, or rehabilitation.

7. Pick up small tabs. People will remember your generosity, but not the amount. Allow them to pick up the lavish dinners and what not.

8. Don’t say wealthy. Say rich.

A Preppy Value System:

Consistency

Nonchalance

Charm

Drinking

Effortlessness

Athleticism

Discipline

Public Spiritedness

So spirited!