Neapolitan, More Like Neapoopitan

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Whoever invented Neapolitan ice cream is a total psycho. Turns out it’s those damn Italians. Well, just the ones from Naples. Neapolitan immigrants brought their awesome ice cream recipes to the cool side of the pond a.k.a. the new world a.k.a. the U.S.A. a.k.a. Italy is gross. I’m not saying Italians don’t know how to make delicious foods, because they definitely do. Gelato is amaze maze–I’m super grateful for whoever invented that. And remember in Eat Pray Love when Julia Robert’s character has an eating frenzy in Naples because the pizza tastes like heaven? She eats so much that her pants don’t fit. She would. However, Neapolitan ice cream is just downright wrong.

Okay, I’m gonna have to ask you to calm down about the pizza.

Apparently Neapolitan ice cream is a variation (almost an evolution) of spumoni. Let it be said that spumoni is good and Neapolitan isn’t. Have you ever been to a party where someone brings out the ice cream and it’s Neapolitan? It’s super lazy. The host thinks they’re being super creative by fulfilling everyone’s dessert wishes in one, but little do they know, no one wins when Neapolitan is served. It puts an immediate damper on all of the fun food times that everyone’s having. First of all, kids don’t know what Neapolitan is. They can barely pronounce the word. Hell, I can barely pronounce it. Strike one, Italians.

Secondly, people don’t always love chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Usually guests will favor only one of those flavors. And I can tell you right now it’s definitely not all of them mixed together. Neapolitan is basically served block style with the flavors packed in vertical strips. If you request vanilla, you’re going to get vanilla with a little bit of chocolate. If you want chocolate, expect some vanilla and strawb, and if you want strawberry, I hope you like chocolate covered strawberry ice cream! It’s an impossible task to get one flavor without getting a bit of another flavor in it.

Ice cream should not look like a brick.

The vanilla is always a neon yellow color. Like, a color that isn’t even found in nature. The strawberry stripe tastes like…not strawberry. It doesn’t even have strawberry chunks in it or anything! And chocolate ice cream always tastes like coffee to me, so I’m probably not the best judge for that one. Except I do enjoy a good old fashioned Frosty. R.I.P. Dave Thomas.

I hope that we can all agree that ice cream isn’t worth eating unless it’s delicious. I don’t want to waste my precious daily calorie intake on ice cream that tastes grody. I’d rather eat something that never gets old and has a cute name like Cookie Dough, or Baked Alaska, or Pralines and Cream. Not Neapolitan.

Food, Stores

Tim Horton’s

Always Fresh? Pretty sure that's a lie.

All Americans know that Dunkin Donuts is one of the establishments that keeps our country happy. Without it there would be more untimely deaths, the crime rate would skyrocket, and the apocalypse probably would have happened by now. So, the way I see it is that Dunkin Donuts keeps us happy AND healthy alive.

In Canada (or the C-word) they don’t have Dunkin Donuts. They have Tim Horton’s. Its basically the same thing. But its not because its called Tim Horton’s. First thoughts: Who is this guy? He would sound more professional if he called himself Timothy. The only other Horton I know is Horton Hears a Who, so unless there is an elephant in the back making these donuts, I’m unimpressed.

The gross part is that people refer to it as Timmy Ho’s. I feel like those people probably can’t even afford donuts, so they shouldn’t even be talking about it.

Oh wait. The other gross part is that their company colors are red and brown–kind of like blood and feces. Sooooooooooyeah.

Dunkin Donuts was established in 1950 whereas Tim Horton’s started his biznastyness in 1964. And then he died in a car crash in 1974. So between you and me, he was a copycat and an alcoholic. I’m not saying the crash was his fault, but back then everyone was an alcoholic, so its a safe assumption. Especially if you lived in Canada in the 60’s. Tim Horton’s best friends were probably woodland creatures and booze.

Ugh just found out that Cold Stone is partners with Tim Hortons. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to boycott Cold Stone because of this info. Marble Slab anyone? Plus, Marble Slab just sounds fancier than Cold Stone. I’d rather have my ice cream on marble, thank you.