School

My Carbon Footprint

Science was never my thing. And by “never my thing” I mean that I loathe it. Earth Science=rocks are dumb. Physics = velocity squared times I don’t care. Chemistry = Periodic Table of Death. Biology = the bane of my existence. I only failed one class during my college career and that was Bio. I re-took it and got a D-. I was clearly enthused about learning. Photosynthesis and cells and plant life are sooooooo boring. I have no time for that. However, I believe that my teacher initially failed me for one reason and one reason only–the size of my carbon footprint.

Me in every science class.

I have pretty big feet. And you know what big feet mean…big shoes! Hah yeah everyone makes that joke, but it’s somehow funnier when I say it, don’tcha think? My size 11 feet make pretty large footprints, so shouldn’t it make sense that my carbon footprint would be above average? It seems pretty straight forward.

My teacher made us take a quiz online to measure our carbon footprint. I printed mine out and brought it to class. I answered the questions as honestly as I could. Here’s an example of a question:

What energy sources do you use in your home? Check all that apply.

Electricity.

Natural gas, propane, or liquified petroleum gas.

Heating oil.

Wood burning biomass.

Being a completely normal person, I only checked electricity and moved on. I mean come on, heating oil? I’m not Amish. Wood burning biomass? WTF is that?

When I got my quiz results it said:

Ughghh really? This is the opposite of impressive. Maybe my teacher won’t judge me, I thought. Oh, she judged me alright. She judged me good and hard. I tried talking to her and I even pretended that I was interested in mitosis! But even my greatest brown-nosing failed me. I was disappointed for like 5 minutes and then I got over it. I realized that I am who I am and if that means I’m single handedly destroying our planet, then so be it.

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living in canada, P0wning N3wbs

Going green. Another reason for me to hate everyone.

Is this some kind of secret black magic coding?

Ever since I can remember, I have hated recycling. I know its good for the earth and it makes it better for future generations, but I just hate it. I especially hate the people that live for it.

Let’s be clear. I’m not one of those people who throws trash out my car window without batting an eye. I will only throw out biodegradable things. I just like to have one trash can for everything. I also hear that recycling is expensive. And I’m all for extra money. Its just so much more work to sort things, or to remember to put boxes in one bin and cans in another. My husband likes to recycle our cans because the government gives us money back. And by money, I mean 4 bucks.  But whatever. As Tesco says, “every little helps!” I like to say that in my Bert from Mary Poppins accent. Aka the worst cockney of all time.

I failed biology my freshman year of college. Mind you, I got A’s and B’s in everything else. I am convinced that I failed because my teacher made us take this online quiz to measure out carbon footprints. Let’s just say…mine was the biggest.

Anyway, Canadians are super into going green and all that jazz. During the first week we were moving in, I had a lot of boxes from all of my stuff from home that I had sent here. And, like a true Canadian, I put the boxes in the paper and cardboard box. One day, when I was bringing another box inside, a man in my building stopped me and asked, “Did you put all of your boxes in the dumpster?” I said yes, looking down at my box that was identical to the ones I threw out. OBVIOUSLY. Then he said, “You need to break up your boxes because you didn’t leave any room for me in the dumpster. I had to break them up to make room.” What I should have said was, “Oh, poor you. I’m sure that really ruined your day. Shut up and get out of my doorway before I punch you, and your Lord of the Rings shirt in the face.” Instead I said, “Oh! Okay. Sorry about that.” Like a total n3wb.

So basically, even when I try to recycle, I do it wrong. See, what that guy really did was discourage me from ever recycling again. Its his loss, not mine.

Final note: Nothing disgusts me more than compost piles.

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