Girl Crush of the Week: Icy Bitches

There’s something about this time of year that makes me appreciate the ice in people’s veins. I think that might be why The Grinch is such a popular story. The cold weather tends to bring on a bitter bite in the spirits of some. Hopefully you enjoy the following frosty women as much as I do.

The White Witch from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe is one of my favorite icy bitches because she’s both icy, and a total bitch. And she basically symbolizes Satan. Merry Christmas! I like how she was so easily able to tempt Edmund with Turkish Delight. Of course he was swayed to the dark side with food. A boy after my own heart. The White Witch was played by the androgynous Tilda Swinton in the big screen movie. I thought that was a good choice because her face always makes me think “What are you?!” The perfect amount of creepy, bitchy, and chic.

Ever since I was a young child, I was drawn to Queen Frostine from Candy Land. Wearing a big smile on her face alludes to her loveliness. She sports a beautiful gown most likely made out of frosting which is kind of risque for a kid’s game. However, she still makes the bitchy list. If you were lucky enough to get the precious Queen Frostine card out of the deck, you got to skip all the way to her presence. BUT she gives you no warning about Gloppy’s Molasses Swamp further ahead. You can literally get trapped there for the entire game. Hence, the  bitchiness.

Welcomes you with open arms and then sends you to your death.

I mentioned Elsa from Disney’s Frozen in a previous post this month. I’m literally in love with this character. She’s so rad because she was born with these icy powers that her parents make her conceal (rude and dysfunctional). Eventually her powers are revealed and she sings this amazing song about how she basically doesn’t give a crap anymore and she’s my hero in life. During her rage-singing she builds herself an amazing castle. I also really REALLY love her hair. She technically makes my bitch list because she almost kills her sister twice and plays it off like it’s no big thang.

I felt compelled to include Rose from Titanic on my list because she actually has icicles hanging from her, she’s that icy. Rose is a lovable gal in that she thinks she’s too good for Jack but then realizes that Jack is actually Leonardo DiCaprio and she falls madly in love with him, shedding her clothes immediately. At least I think that’s how the story line goes. Anyway, for some reason she feels like she’s unable to spare any room on her floating door raft and just lets Jack float in the water and die. Like, could you not scoot over a couple inches? 

I remember having a picture book of Hans Christian Andersen’s story The Snow Queen. I had to just refresh myself on the tale, and I have to admit that it’s pretty messed up. A lot of the story focuses on weird devil goblins that want to distort people’s happy view of the world we live in. The Snow Queen captures a boy and takes him in her sleigh to her frozen palace. He can only free himself once he completes this impossible task of spelling the word “eternity” using shards of glass. A super safe art project for a child. He’s eventually rescued by his friend and the Snow Queen just chills like nothing ever happened. She’s probably still kidnapping children to this day and forcing them to play with glass.

Do you have any girl crushes right now?

If I Lived In Candyland

A couple of days ago one of the kids I was babysitting brought out Candy Land. A truly classic game.

Firstly, let me just point out that Candy Land is a very Aryan game. Both of the kids are blonde haired and blue eyed. I’m just going to assume that Hitler dreamed about Candy Land during a slumber in his Eagle’s Nest and commissioned someone to make his dream a reality. Those are the game’s origins.

If I were to to travel to Candy Land, I think my adventure would be something like this:

A young Hitler and Eva.

I’m going to be the little girl in the game’s scenario. I grab the little boy’s hand, and we start off on our adventure. Why we’re both dressed in overalls, I don’t know. We come across a plum tree that houses a little green goblin named Plumpy. Plumpy has literally no friends. He’s been banished to the very outskirts of Candy Land because he only eats plums. PLUMS AREN’T EVEN CANDY. Plumpy isn’t of much help to me and my overall-ed companion/brother/life partner so we continue on our way.

The climate changes within seconds. All of a sudden there’s snow on the ground and we’re having trouble breathing. We’ve entered into Peppermint Forest. There’s a really tall, clownish looking man called Mr. Mint. He wears a clashing pink and red poufy outfit yet he claims to be a lumberjack. Mr. Mint might be a woman. Remembering that no one really likes minty candy except for felons and grandparents, we tiptoe out of the forest before Mr. Mint can chop us in half with his candy cane axe.

Running as fast as we can, Billy and I see a castle in the distance. I just decided my partner’s name is Billy, by the way. The castle looks nice enough, but it doesn’t seem to be that sturdy since it’s made of licorice. You would have to be very slender to live there. Luckily, Lord Licorice is of a slight build. He welcomes us and tells us that he can make our wildest dreams come true. Unfortunately neither mine, nor Billy’s dreams involve licorice so we decide to leave the Lord in the dust.

Lord Licorice/ Lord of The Dance.

Becoming more and more fed up with everyone around us, Billy and I try to kill each other. He’s just so stupid with his ugly overalls and striped shirt. He ended up getting stuck on one of those black spots where you have to pick a card of the same color to move again. So he’s basically there for the entire game.

The ground becomes bouncy and sugary. I’ve obviously made the right choice and ditched Billy before the candy started getting good. As I start to cross Gumdrop Pass I meet a weird alien named Jolly. He’s about as memorable as Plumpy. They both have the same body type too–the unfortunate type. I pay him no attention and take a huge bite out of his gumdrop house.

What happens next is the absolute worst. I come across Grandma Nut. I always thought of Candy Land as a variation of heaven. Grandma Nut ruins everything by being old. In my heaven, everyone is young, renewed and perfect. Grandma Nut is old, has no family, and lives in a peanut brittle house. She’ll talk your ear off if you get anywhere near her so cross your fingers that you pull a double red card to avoid any contact. I could imagine her toe nails looking like Brazil nuts.

Grandma Nut's toenails.

I follow the signs to Lollypop Woods. Princess Lolly resides here. She’s one of the best people in Candy Land solely based on her crown made of lollypops. And she curtsies. No one curtsies anymore! Still, Princess Lolly lives way too close to Grandma Nut in order for me to be fully comfortable, so I continue on my way. Bye Lolly. I love you.

Hands down the best place to be is Queen Frostine’s Ice Cream Sea. I’ll admit that ice cream isn’t typically considered candy, but I’m willing to make an exception. Queen Frostine is a real hottie. Lolly is cute, but not on the same hotness scale as the Queen. Is Lolly her real daughter? Why don’t either of them live in the castle with King Candy? Is King Candy supposed to symbolize God? BURNING QUESTIONS.

She could do way better than King Candy.

I start walking away from the Ice Cream Sea. Not because I’m full, but because my head hurts from trying to answer life’s questions. The ground starts to get sticky and thick. I’ve entered Molasses Swamp. Gloppy is there ready to eat me. And he does. Gloppy is scary as hell. I don’t remember ever finishing a game of Candy Land. Gloppy would usually dissuade me from further play time. Kids don’t like to think about molasses. I don’t even know what molasses is and I’m in my mid-20’s.

I hope you liked my adventures in Candy Land!