Hockey, P0wning N3wbs

I predict a riot.

A couple making out during the riots last year. Jealous!

Remember last year when the Vancouver Canucks lost to the Chicago Blackhawks? It was a great moment for my hometown. I don’t even like sports and I thought it was pretty cool that they won. Vancouver, however, reacted differently. No one likes a sore loser, but I guess by now Canadians don’t really mind how they’re received in the media since no one really pays attention to them anyway.

Rioting is so passe’. I feel like the last time I saw a riot was when I watched Beauty and the Beast. I will admit that Gaston was a strong and capable leader, but even as a child I remember thinking, do people really do this?

I guess Canada has a history of rioting–that’s why they were so good at it last year. They know how it’s done. In 1971, there were riots in Vancouver to demonstrate against the support of legalizing marijuana. These were called the Gastown Riots. I don’t know why they were called that, but I’ve learned to stop asking questions and that nothing makes sense here.

Perhaps the most retarded riot in history was in 2008. Montreal Canadiens hockey fans took to the streets to celebrate their big Stanley Cup win against the Boston Bruins. Windows were smashed, police cars were set on fire, etc. Don’t you have to be angry and fed up to riot? Destroying things seems like an okay way to celebrate, but wouldn’t your first reaction be to get a pizza, and not act like a feral animals? I think Canada is the real Planet of the Apes.

Okay I just found another hockey-related riot. In ’94 the Canucks lost to the New York Rangers. Between 50,000 and 75,000 people gathered in Vancouver and looted stores and broke windows. One guy was hit with a rubber bullet and was in a coma for 4 weeks. He probably got so skinny after that. I wish I could be in a coma for 4 weeks. That’s the perfect amount of time. I mean…

There are so many more examples of Canadian riots, but I refuse to write about how Guns and Roses sparked a riot. There’s also another Stanley Cup riot. Why haven’t they deemed the Stanley Cup too dangerous for Canadians to take place in? Imagine if they said Canadian teams couldn’t play in the Stanley Cup. That, my friends, would cause a a series of frenzied events with rabid countrymen. Or all of Canada might spontaneously combust.